The Road Not Taken
by gidget89
Summary: AU. What if Alex and Bobby met much earlier in their lives? BA Rating may go up later for language.
1. A Yellow Wood

A/N: Da Ta! New story. And can I take a minute to proclaim my love for last night's ep? It was crazy. CRA- ZAY. Anywho - so here's my new story , and it will be unlike the previous - except for the whole shipping thing, because I am a shipping whore for B/A. Get over it.

Summary: _AU. What if Alex and Bobby had met much earlier in their lives? What path would Alex choose? _ Basically this is my wandering muse wondering what if Alex had met Bobby before her husband? She worked Vice, he worked Narcotics - both units often work together, so what if their paths had crossed, hmm?

Disclaimer: I'm not making any money from them - and I don't own them. Juts playing in the pool that is NBC's

* * *

I twisted the card containing the information I needed in my nervous hands. The writing on it was probably screwed , but it didn't really matter now, since I was there. VED's Manhattan South unit. When I had gotten the promotion finally after two years out of the Academy, I had been excited and nervous and everything in between. Mostly though- I had been so damn eager to tell my dad. He had grinned, talking about how I was moving on up – and before I knew it I would be detective – and actually going places. My dad still to this day regretted his own decision to not go for his detectives. I frowned at the thought – I still hadn't voiced my own reluctance at the idea – but Vice was an exciting place to be. And if I wanted to get anywhere- which I did, just maybe not where Dad thought I wanted to be – then I needed to do my rota in Vice. Every female in the NYPD did, in the end.

I walked up to the front desk nervously, licking already dry lips and wishing it could be tomorrow or next week so these first few days would be over with. "Hi. I'm looking for uh.. Sargent Mike Malone?" The guy at the desk – pushing forty and clearly spent half his career with the company of donuts – rolled his eyes, and pointed a thumb over his shoulder.

"Upstairs, first door on the left. Welcome." He spoke this as if he had rattled off the same thing for days on end, and I walked past him muttering about the warm welcome. Jogging lightly up the stairs, I wondered briefly if I should have showed up in uniform. My brother Sean had warned me not to – but I felt oddly naked in a plain long sleeved shirt and jeans. After wearing a uniform everyday for two years- I felt stripped without it. Sean would probably laugh at me and welcome me to the 'real police work'. I found the door, and saw that it was slightly ajar. The writing on the glass indicated that it was indeed Mike Malone's office, but the lettering of Sargent had been rubbed out so it just read Sge. Taking a deep breath – this was it- I knocked lightly, and almost stepped back in surprise when the door jerked open in front of me.

"What?!" The woman who stood there looked pissed beyond belief, and I glanced around nervously, thinking she couldn't possibly be tat pissed at me, she didn't even know me. She was just an inch or so higher than me, with olive skin and dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. Her brown eyes literally sparked at me ash she stood glaring – but the shield she had hung from the chain around her neck clearly indicated she was a cop. "Well? Are you gonna just stand there or answer me?" Her voice was irritated and I snapped out of it quickly.

"I'm – uh Alex Eames – I'm looking for Sargent Malone-" She smiled as if amused by my stuttering and I cringed inwardly. Reaching out, she grasped my arm and pulled me in the office. Slamming the door fully shut behind us she walked behind the only desk in the room, a beaten up seventies model that was strewn with bits and pieces of paper, and had a colorful mug full of pens shoved on the edge. The room was slightly dingy, the walls once white – but not seemed slightly gray and forlorn. No pictures hung on them , but I did spy the corner of a frame behind the computer monitor.

"Ya found her. I'm Mike Malone – and you would be-" she pushed through the pile of papers finally spying a yellow personnel paper and waving it about triumphantly before sitting in the squeaky chair behind her desk and leaning back, putting her feet on the desk with a thud. "- Alexandra Eames – ah, my new girl." She grinned and transferred her gaze to me, her eyes running up and down my body once, and then twice. I felt a slight flush creep onto my face despite my best efforts not to, and she grinned again, laughing slightly. "Great – I love rookies." She muttered, pulling her feet off the desk and slamming them down to the floor with an expression of delight. She stomped her feet a few more times with an expression of satisfaction, and waved at the single chair in front of her, some horrible throwback that was probably red once but was now a muted rusted orange.

"Yes." I spoke quickly finally remembering to talk. "I was just transferred . I worked in-"

"Don't care." She waved me off with a frown. "Listen – you need to learn a few things. One always call me Mike or Sarge and that's it. You're one of two undercovers we have – the other one is Alicia Smith – you'll meet her later. We have four guys on our squad, and each of them is more of a pain in the ass than the last. They will make rude comments about the outfits- they will cat call, and generally piss you off beyond belief. But not one of them will let anything happen to you while you're out there. They're downstairs in the unit room. Conner, Jefferson, Deates and Richards. The most important thing you'll learn however, is that my word is law. I am a hardass, and I will bust you if you step out of line. If you don't we'll get along fine - hell I may even like you. Any questions?" She stood as she spoke and I stood as well, stammering but not managing to get an actual question out. She walked around me, and jerked the door open, stomping again really loudly. I walked behind her with a confused expression and she smiled back at me. "I like to let the boys know I'm coming that way I don't have to see anything I don't want to – or anything that would result in more paperwork for me. I hate paperwork."

"Really, I couldn't tell." The retort was out of my mouth before I could stop it and I paused, berating myself. Shit – like I couldn't keep my mouth shut for the first few days at least? Dammit.

"Yeah- you got that from my desk huh? Way to put those police skills to good use." She laughed as she spoke, and I sagged in relief at her words. She carried on forward, down the hall, pointing out things as she went. "Locker room – no separate one for the chicks, sorry about that. If the guys give you any real trouble kick their asses – as long as I don't hear about it. Break room, home of the worst coffee on the planet and literally no food. Any chance you're a domestic type?" She glanced back hopefully, and I laughed.

"Uh- not really no."

"Shit. Just once I'd like someone who is- we starve on our own." She shrugged and carried on down the hall towards the back staircase. "Detectives are through there- they're Homicide, we share the building, but they don't bite. Would make more sense for the city to have NEU with us- but why do things that save money and travel? That would be logical and the assholes that run this place are far from it. Down the very back there is our Captain – Daniel Hill. But don't ever bother him under _any_ circumstances, got it? As far as you're concerned, I am Captain." By this point we had reached the bottom of the stairs and entered a large room down there. There were six desks, each in rows of three and currently there were four men sitting around one of them, talking loudly.

"Hey!" Sargent Malone- _shit no, Mike_ – yelled out, and all four sets of eyes turned towards us. "This here is Alex. She's our new girl-" Suddenly the eyes were running over me and several comments were heard, along with a whistle. "Stop that assholes! Listen – she's new, and she'll be with me or Lish for the first few days. Lord forbid I leave her alone with you dogs – so – play nice with her, or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll be singing soprano in the shower from now on, got it?" They quieted down immediately and nodded. I glanced in shock at Mike – surprised and a bit in awe that someone so small inspired such respect. She slapped an empty desk next to her, and turned to me. "This is yours- do whatever with it- but keep in mind it'd have to be really impressive to beat Deates pinup collection over there." She waved a hand to her left and I saw the corner desk had was could only be described as soft porn photos lining the sides.

"Hey!" One of the men – a short burly man with red hair and innocent blue eyes – grinned. "It's art woman – don't forget it."

"You call me woman one more time, and I'm putting you on the street to catch the trannies Deates." She turned back to me, with a roll of her eyes. "Alright – so the short red headed perv is Deates. The tall one -" she pointed to a man who was well over six feet with close cropped sandy hair and twinkling brown eyes - "is Richards. He's been here longest- almost as long as me, but not quite."

"Yeah, I'm the only one with the distinction of seeing our Sarge work the street. She was smoking hot back then." He grinned and the guys around him laughed.

"What the hell do you mean – _back then_ Dick? Screw you." She laughed as she spoke and one of the other men, a younger guy – all brown curly hair and a puppy dog face slapped him in the arm.

"She's got you there Dick. I dare anyone to say Sarge isn't still a shot today."

Richards glared at him and the puppy backed away slightly. "Shut the hell up Jeffs. You're just wetting yourself with excitement that you aren't the rookie anymore."

"Both of you shut up." Mike glared at them, and silence fell once more. "So where was I? Right Richards- we call him Dick for short- and not just cause he is one. And that is Jefferson – Jeffs. He was the newest til you showed up. Yo – where the hell is Lish?"

The last man – who looked to be in his late twenties and was practically so good looking you almost wouldn't believe it – stood up, running a hand through his blonde hair and grinned, showing off his dimples. He sidled over to us, shrugging apologetically at Mike. "She might have just finally succumbed to my charm and given up work altogether."

"Or she could be in the john, washing your latest attempt off." Mike frowned at him – but unlike the other times, she seemed serious – not a trace of amusement. "Don't make me kick your ass again Conner. No hitting on my girls." Turning she grabbed my sleeve again, as I stood there sizing up the men in the room around me. These would be the guys responsible for my safety in the future – and I wanted a good handle on them. Being dragged out of the room, I shivered slightly, somewhat unsettled by the feel of Conner's eyes on me.

Mike didn't say a word about it as we headed across the hall to another unisex washroom. Pushing the door open and walking through, Mike called out. "Lish – you in here?" A woman who looked to be just slightly older than me , maybe twenty eight or so to my twenty six, walked around the corner. She had pale clear skin, big hazel eyes and a mass of thick curly crown hair. She was also at least five foot eight and made me feel like the ugly duckling standing next to the beautiful swan. She smiled broadly at Mike.

"Had to get out of testosterone central for a bit. Is this the new girl?" She smiled even more warmly if possible and reached out to shake my hand – the first person in this whole damn place to do it. Of course she had to be beautiful and nice too. Sighing inwardly I shook her hand and grinned.

"Alex Eames. Fresh meat of the day, apparently." She released my hand with a laugh.

"I remember it well. A bit too well, actually. Let's not talk about it anymore. Mike- you leaving her with me?" Lish turned to Mike, who was waiting by the door, a touch of impatience in her stance.

"Yeah-" she grinned at Lish with a relieved air. "NEU is on my ass about that bust at the club last week. I gotta go give Stevens a call and tell him to screw off-"

"Are they sending anyone over?" Lish asked in a sly tone, and I frowned, merely watching the exchange.

"No- it's not that bad that they need to send him. Yet. But you damn well know he'll be coming by soon enough- all that action we caught down at 321 – they'll be begging us for help with the bust as usual." She rolled her eyes slightly, and turned to me. "Lish here is going to stay with you today. She'll take you through the ropes, take you on the oh so delightful shopping trip for your 'uniform' and tell you what beat you'll be working. Tomorrow night you'll start the real work. If you need anything, I'm always upstairs – unless I'm down here. Alright?" I nodded dumbly, not sure what to say and turned to Lish. She laughed at the expression on my face.

"It'll be ok. By the time I'm done with you today, you'll have embraced your inner whore. First thing though- we're gonna need to get this cut-" She fingered my hair, which was hanging in a single braid down my back. I tensed and she smiled sympathetically. "Sorry- but hookers don't walk around looking like Heidi. Come on – it'll be fun. A day out of this place at least- though we'll have to meet the boys for lunch. It's the rule so they can get to know you too. Don't worry though- I won't leave you alone with them."

* * *

The day had gone by with surprising swiftness. Lish was fantastically funny as well as being stunning and perfect. She made it hard to hate her – which was endearing and annoying at the same time. She was there when they cut my hair for it's long length to just below my shoulders. I told her about how, when I was a kid , my mother had refused to let me cut it much to my annoyance. It was her stake- her attempt to make me the girly child she wanted. I had hated it at ten, but had become used to it by high school, and was afraid to change it. She merely laughed and told me I didn't need the hair to prove I was a girl. The clothes would more than do that for me. And she was right. I almost wanted to die of embarrassment when I saw what she had selected for my undercover outfit. The skirt looked like it would wrap around a damn Barbie doll and the top – it you could refer to something transparent as a top – wasn't any better. The shoes had taken forever to find – but we achieved success right before lunch.

We entered the diner with a half hour to spare before the buys would arrive, so we settled at a table and ordered coffee to tide us over. Lish sat, smiling into her cup and telling me stories about stings – funny things that had happened. She didn't tell the scary shit though – even though we both knew it was there.

"So what about the unit? I felt like an idiot this morning- like I couldn't string two words together-"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It's difficult to get a word in some days, between the boys and Mike." Lish laughed softly, her eyes twinkling.

"What about Mike? How is she as a Sarge?" My question was born of curiosity. Most females cops that went through Vice took off as soon as possible. It was just one of the rotas you had to do – but no one stayed.

Lish's face sobered and she stared at me a moment, before answering. "Mike is- she is a fantastic cop. I always bitch her out because she could go higher than she is- she just doesn't want to. She tough, but she's fair. And she really gives a damn about what we do- it's not just a job for her. She works way too long, and way too much. She hangs with us- but I've never seen her date. That's because of Mattie though – her daughter. She's four."

"She has a kid?" Somehow this came out more shocked than curious, but I had trouble picturing Mike with a child.

"Yeah- hard to picture huh? It always is until you see her with Mattie – then it's all clear. Mike had really good reasons for staying with Vice- but that's her story to tell. As for the rest of the unit- well, let me see. Deates is a guy. Basically- a man's man, but he's actually really funny and sweet when you get to know him. Dick is like the daddy. He watches out for everyone – Mike especially which pisses her off to no end. He talks a lot of shit – but is a fantastic guy to hang with. Jeffs is a baby, pretty much. He's sweet and over eager and everything that screams rookie. And Conner- well-" Lish broke off, a smile crossing her face "- he's a bit of a prick- but a well intentioned one. He's a womanizer – different dates every week, loves chasing skirts – but despite his bragging, he's never hit on any women he's worked with. And here they are, actually." I turned towards the door to see the group of men striding in, before spotting them and sitting down. Suddenly the table was crowded and noisy, filled with well intention jibes and teasing.

"Aww – I kinda liked the Heidi look Eames. What'd you cut it for?" Deates had sat next to me, and was grinning, his blue eyes teasing.

"Apparently it's not the 'streetwalker' look." I replied with a smile.

"There's a look? I thought having ti-"

"Shut up Conner!" Lish elbowed the man next to her and he gave a sheepish grin. He really was incredibly good looking – but you could tell just by looking that he was the type to avoid. The talk turned to getting to know you talk for a while – where were you patrolling, when did you graduate type talk, except for Dick – who apparently wore the fact that he was an Army transfer proudly.

I decided halfway through that I was going to like my co workers. They were fun, and apparently very close. They seemed a bit surprised that I wasn't very quiet at all – but I had more than enough experience making myself heard around too many men. Between my three brothers and father- lunch seemed more like a family meal to me.

When we arrived back at the unit, Lish and I sat at her desk, and she told me what would be expected. "Alright Alex – honest truth I was so nervous I thought I would throw up my first night. I mean, when I came in I thought hell, it's just standing on a corner right? Except it's not. There's a hundred other girls out there- so you have to have certain qualities. Be a bitch. For some reason johns love it, they eat it up when you treat them like dirt."

"Maybe because they are dirt?" I asked dryly, and she laughed.

"Second thing is be natural as possible. Try not to be uptight or mervous- and that's hard to get over. Third is this unit isn't like other units. We don't just go be bait and that's it. Mike expects us to do just as much of the police work as the boys. We investigate, we interrogate – those rooms are in the basement, with the holding cells – did Mike take you down there?"

"No."

"You'll see em soon enough. And the most important thing is to distance yourself." Lish's voice lowered as she spoke, her expression serious. "It's real easy to get too involved – you'll see girls out there that are beaten every week by the same guy, and keep going back. You'll see runaways and junkies, and children sometimes. We can't save them all – and you need to accept that before you start. Otherwise you'll never leave here." Her words echoed throughout my head the rest of the day – distance. I could do that right? Of course I could, I'm an Eames – emotional distance is like our family trait. All three of my older brothers did it successfully in their careers as cops. I could too.

As I packed my bag at the end of the day – and left with a smile from Lish and a warning the 'real work' would start tomorrow from almost all the guys – I walked out of the locker room with a satisfied smile. I had survived the first day – which was the hardest one, right? I was halfway down the stairs when I heard a voice.

"Yo Eames!" I turned to see Mike standing there at the top of the stairs with a bemused expression. "Welcome to Vice. Let's hope you survive." I smiled crookedly, and turned exiting the building. Hope I survive indeed.


	2. I Could Not Travel Both

A/N: Whew! Damn - a lot happened I didn't intend in here. For one, Bobby wasn't suposed to pop up until the end, but there he was, hanging around. And Alex wasn't supposed to like him this much right away- but who wouldn't, right? I mean come on. I know this isn't typical Bobby- but I picture him as a but more self assured while in Narcotics - just out of the Army, i think he'd be a bit more cocky. Plus he couldn't be a ladies man without being good with the ladies right? heh.

Disclaimer: Still not mine, I cry about it at night. Really.

* * *

"Eames. Get your ass in here for a second." Mike's voice halted me outside the locker room door, floating out from her office like a whip. Sighing, I rubbed the back of my neck. I had just showered, glad to finally be out of my undercover clothes. It was damn near four am, and I finally had a few days off, which I had been looking forward to starting like, right now. My first few weeks at Vice had been a learning experience. Like I had to learn to ignore the urge to kick a lot of dirty men in the balls- getting my satisfaction from seeing their faces when the cuffs came out- and not for the kinky reasons they supposed. I had learned that regular Vice hours were five or six pm to four am. I learned that interrogations were exciting, and thrilling and like a giant live played out chess game, each side maneuvering their pieces until someone check mated. I also learned that I loved every other aspect of Vice – except undercover. I loved the narcotics side, the gambling, the busting of loan sharks- that may be one of my favorites. I got to wear jeans, and kick people's asses with my male co workers gladly cheering me on. After our first bust that got physical, they had been shocked at how well I could fight. I told them three brothers do that to you. After that, they almost enjoyed letting me do it- if only for the looks on the mens faces as they got their ass kicked by Heidi. Despite cutting my hair- Dick had decided I was Heidi, plain and simple and it was all they called me now. Well, everyone except Mike, who thought it was ridiculous. It almost made me love her for it – since I hated the name. 

"Yeah Sarge?" I poked my head around her door, hair still wet from the shower and I'm sure exhaustion was lining my face. I had a hard time adjusting to the night routine- but I knew it would get better. At some point, it had to.

"Sit down- I want to talk to you." Mike spoke in a brisk tone- but I knew it didn't mean anything bad. In fact, despite Mike's warnings of what a hardass she was, she was actually a great Sargent. She kept a close eye on all of us- and was really involved in cases and operations. Several times already, she had been my back up on stings. I sighed, coming all the way into the office and settling into the orange chair that I hated. I decided then, that maybe the squad should buy her some new chairs for Christmas. It would be for us as much as her. I tilted my head expectantly and she glanced up from the usual pile of paper work sitting in a haphazard pile on her desk. She claimed it was organized chaos, but personally I doubted it. "NEU just called- they have a club sting they want to go in on – several operatives have purchased coke there over the last few weeks- but always from different guys. They want to connect them all- and they think one of us- meaning one of you girls – would have a better chance than them. Lord some days I hate NEU – like we don't have enough shit on our plates without loaning one of you out to solve their case for them." She rummaged through the pile on her desk as she spoke, scowling until she found the piece of random paper she was looking for.

"And you want me to do it?" I asked incredulously. Lish would clearly be the obvious choice, she had more experience, and she was just.. better than I was. Mike looked up with a smile at my shock.

"Lish has done stuff for them a million times. It's time they see what my new girl has got." I swallowed nervously at her words – I was just getting comfortable here, I didn't want to go. "You – I think now, usually they let you take one of our boys with you. I don't have all the details though- they're sending Goren over." She glanced at her watch impatiently as she spoke. "And he better get his ass here soon, I'd like at least three hours sleep before my daughter wakes me up, damn it." She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face, and glancing down at her coffee cup in distaste. She took a sip anyway, making a face as I watched amused, slouching down and shoving my hand sin my pockets.

"What are you going to do about loss of manpower?" I asked mildly, wondering if I could still yet get out of this.

"We'll pull in our auxiliary girl and run some under age liquor busts. Eames- I want you to know this is up to you. I don't require you girls to go over to NEU – it's a favor I grant them, because I happen to like Goren. Which is why they always send him to ask. So, if after hearing the details, you don't want to go- just say so, and it's done. However-" She held up a hand to forestall my happier expression. "- it's a great learning experience, seeing how another unit works. Plus it looks good on the resume, for wherever you're headed after this. Where are you going?" She tilted her head to the left, her gaze quizzical. I sighed, not sure what to say.

"I don't really know. My dad wants me to get my detectives – but I'm not sure. I always thought maybe ESU."

"Bet he'd hate that huh?" She smiled wryly, and I grinned back. Her eyes rose above my head, and I sat up straighter, knowing that the NEU guy had arrived. Mike remained in her relaxed position. "Goren- how fantastic to see you again. Really." I fought the urge to look behind me, and was rewarded by Mike's wink as the man entered the room. I didn't get up, or offer him the chair- I was bone tired, damn it. He entered my peripheral vision, and I turned towards him, looking up. He was tall, at least six three, maybe bigger- it was hard to tell from down here, and I wasn't whipping out a yardstick to see. He had curly hair, that was dark and close cropped and his frame was slightly thin – not quite filled out, but broader than most men anyway. He smiled shyly at Mike and when he spoke his voice was warm.

"I can tell Mike- I mean, the hospitality here is – always so great."

"Yeah? Well maybe when you waltz in here one day offering something instead of begging for mine- I'd be happier. Robert Goren, this is Alexandra Eames. She's my new girl- and the only one I'm offering, so suck it up." Mike spoke with an arch to her brow as she lazily introduced us. Goren on the other hand, turned his attention to me, his eyes studying me for a moment before he held out a hand politely. I shook it, losing mine it's depths and watching him as closely as he was watching me.

"She's one of yours Mike – she'll be fine I'm sure." He leaned against the wall after releasing my hand, holding a file in one hand and grinning.

"If she accepts, Goren. I told her it's up to her." Mike glared at him silently, before glancing back to me. "You guys can talk in the squad room, it's dead now anyway. Eames- if you go – who're you taking – assuming of course, she can take someone?" She looked to Goren who shook his head slowly.

"Sorry- the sarge wants NEU only on the bust." Mike scowled and he held out his hands, open but for the file, and his face apologetic. "Sorry Mike- not up to me. I could care less personally. She'll probably have Smith or Jack for back up-"

"What about you?" Mike asked in a tired tone.

"I'll be on the inside. No worries, Mike, we'll take care of her." His face was serious as he spoke and Mike growled slightly.

"That's what you all say. Eames-" she directed her gaze to mine again and I sat up even straighter if possible. "- will you be alright here? I can stay – but the details will be on my desk tomorrow-"

"No Sarge- go on home, we'll be fine." I answered quickly, knowing she'd stay at the slightest sign. And she was probably more tired than I was at this point. She was always here when I arrived, and here when I left. She nodded slowly, and waved a hand.

"Alright, go on." I stood and walked out the door ahead of Goren, which was probably a good thing. The guy towered over me, and it was a bit disconcerting. I rolled my neck as we walked down to the squad room, entering to see Lish and Conner conversing in the corner. I watched silently for a moment, almost forgetting the great hulk behind me. Womanizer, my ass. I shook my head, turning towards my desk, which looked a damn sight messier than it had the first day. I had paper strewn about it, and a mug held my pens – a hand painted collage of blues and reds. My brother's son – still only three had made it for my birthday, and I kept it as a proud display. It sat next to the photo my mom had forced us all to take last Thanksgiving. My dad sitting at the head of the table, with Sean and Caleb on either side. Seamus was on Caleb's right and Mindy, Sean's wife was by Sean. Then Liz, my younger sister was beside her, all smiles and perfect hair, and big blue eyes. I was on the left, laughing as Tommy – my nephew – tried to use mashed potatoes as hair product on me. Mom was taking the picture- as usual.

Sitting in my chair, I saw that Goren and dragged another chair over and was sitting to the left of me, behind my desk instead of in front of it. I frowned slightly, edging my chair a bit right and he perused the contents of my desk with curious eyes. "So- are you going to let me look at the file, or what?" My voice startled him and he turned, apologetic.

"Sorry- I just- have a tendency to look at everything. Job hazard I guess." He shrugged, and I nodded slowly, still waiting for the file. A shadow passed over us and Conner leaned over me, his hands on the back of my chair.

"Hey Heidi- what do the narcs want you for? Are you taking one of us- cause just so you know, don't take me- those guys hate me." He whispered as though we were alone and I rolled my eyes.

"I can't imagine why Conner." I spoke dryly and he ignored my jibe, glancing over.

"Hey Goren- didn't see you there-" I snorted at the obvious stupidity of the comment – who could miss the man beside me? He was freaking huge. "How's it going?"

"Fine." Goren answered politely but succinctly and I felt my curious side kick in. They clearly didn't get along – I wondered why?

"Always the chatterbox huh Goren. Listen take good care of our girl here-" His hand rested on my shoulder and I fought the urge to rip it out of his socket. I shrugged, leaning forward to turn and glare at him. His eyes twinkled and I knew he was just pissing me off on purpose, knowing I was tired and ready to kill someone. I sighed – sometimes work was worse than living home with my brothers.

"Go home Conner- I'm not in the mood to kick your ass tonight. I'm tired." He had the decency to look slightly ashamed, but only for a second before the devil danced in his eyes.

"Sure Heidi – " He was cut off by Lish's arrival, and I shot her a glance of thanks. She grinned and winked.

"Joe, weren't you taking me for breakfast? I'm not getting any younger here- and don't say anything. Come on." She tugged his arm, pulling him back and looking past him. "Oh hey Bobby. How you doing?"

"Good- you?" This time Goren's answer was warm, and his smile was genuine and lit up his face. I felt an odd sense of irritation skitter along my nerves, I wanted to go home dammit, not watch as Lish accomplished the feat of flirting with two guys at once.

"Good- we'll have to catch up sometime. Come on Conner, let's go." Somehow Lish seemed to sense my mood and she shot an apologetic smile at me as she exited the room with Conner. When they left, I breathed out an audible sigh of relief, only to find Goren watching me carefully. When he saw me notice, he handed the file to me, opening it on the desk for me, and leaning across, pointing at the paper within.

"The club has been- under surveillance for a while now- Different guys dealing every night and never the same guy. Never even there the same nights. We think it's because the owner is front running. But we can't seem to get anyone deep enough in – that's where you come in." He tapped the finger on the report and I glance dover at him, surprised to see he was still hovering around my shoulder area.

"What would I do?" I asked, and he pulled his hand back, propping his elbows on his knees and glancing at me. He looked like a huge version of my nephew and I almost laughed out loud.

"Well you'd- you'd go in, make a purchase and- and-" He seemed to falter here and I decided to help him out.

"Work the guy over? Get him all hot and bothered and let information slip?" Goren glanced away , his face troubled, and his fingers now tapping along his lower lip. I watched him for a moment – he made me rather curious- he seemed a bit of a contradiction. Physically he seemed all over the place, nervous energy and ticks, but when he spoke his voice was clear and sure. His mannerisms reminded me of someone, especially when he spoke, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Well, yeah, unfortunately. But we'd have three guys outside - Smith, Jack and Sanchez. And I'd be in there with you- probably not with you, but close by. We've had four od's in the area- the last one was a thirteen year old kid. We want to get these guys." I nodded, I had already known I was going to do it- probably since Mike first mentioned it. I was a bit nervous, but something about this guys put me at ease- and I wasn't worried for my safety or anything. Rubbing a hand over my face tiredly, I glance at the clock. I still had plenty of time before I could catch the 5:40 train. Of course-

"When do you guys need me?" I asked briefly. He frowned, watching me sit there, with my elbow now propped on the desk, on his file, actually, and my head held up by my hand. I stifled a yawn and he smiled.

"Tomorrow night, I'd think. Still not used to the nights?"

"Hell no. Alright – I'll do it-" I winced, thinking of my mother's reaction when I called and told her once again I wouldn't be having time off, and would be unable to visit. She was Irish through and through – including her temper and this was the third time in the last few weeks something work related had come up. Maybe I just wouldn't mention the voluntary part of it. "Can you write down whatever info I need? I want to grab coffee before I catch my train and I-"

"I can drive you. Home that is- if you'd like." His tone was polite as he offered and I blinked slowly.

"Can I still get coffee?" I asked hopefully and he nodded slowly.

"Well sure- but shouldn't you not drink it this late? I mean, don't you want to go to bed?" I laughed out loud at him, and he pulled back a bit, clearly not expecting my mirth.

"Sorry- it's uh- it's an on going thing around here that I run on coffee and hormones alone. I always drink coffee, no matter what time it is. I won't have an issue sleeping. There's a diner around the corner that has some alright stuff- it's twenty four hours, so I'll take what I can get I suppose." I stood slowly, opening my drawer and pulling out my purse, a battered old leather thing that my mother thought was horrendous, but it held all my stuff, so I didn't really care. Besides, paying bills came slightly above having a pretty purse- no matter how much I may want one. Not that I'd ever tell her that. I turned to see him leaning across my desk, looking at the photo as his hand traced the edge of my pen mug. I rose a brow, and when he unbent and looked at me, he flushed slightly.

"You uh- have a large family?" He waved to the picture and I nodded, walking around the desk and heading for the exit.

"Yeah- Irish. Three brothers, one little sister. All of my brothers are on the Force too -"

"Wow. That must be hard on your dad-" He had to shorten his strides to match mine and he sort of hunched lower as he spoke, to get more on my level. While I appreciated the effort the result was him scuttling along side me like some giant crab, and I giggled slightly.

"No, my dad was a cop too. He couldn't be happier. My mother however.." I smiled wryly, and he nodded.

"What about your sister?" His questions were oddly personal, but I got the sense he was just curious, not trying to be rude, so I let them go.

"No- far from it. She's still in high school, but she's not the rough and tumble type if you know what I mean." The fresh air- well as fresh as it got in Manhattan at five am – hit my face and I stopped a moment, breathing deeply and pulling my coat closer to my body. I continued walking, jogging a bit as he hadn't really noticed I had stopped. We didn't speak much, as I went to the diner and paid for my coffee, asking if he wanted anything. He shook his head no, and we exited into the inky night again, this time with him leading to the lot outside our building. His car was unexpected – what looked like a 71 Dodge Charger, in great condition too. I stopped, staring in awe for a moment, and he turned.

"Yeah, sorry- I took my car- it blends better when I'm undercover, which I was earlier. Is that- is that alright?" He sounded concerned and I almost laughed at him, but instead I sat on the curb next to the bumper, sipping my coffee absently.

"Oh yeah- I mean what is it, a '71? '72? It's beautiful. Just let me finish my coffee." He smiled slightly, looking at me quizzically.

"You know cars? It's a – uh '71. My friend fixes old cars, he got me a great deal-" My eyes didn't leave the car as he spoke, and I took another large gulp, standing and circling the car with excited eyes. As I studied the rear striping and the fin with an excited expression I didn't notice him step up beside me. "Are we out here instead of in it for a reason?" I turned to him, aghast.

"I wouldn't drink in there- I mean the interior must be beautiful if it's anything like the outside. Your friend does a great job. Lord I'd love to see your engine.." He laughed out loud, and it was almost as if his whole exterior changed with it. His face lit up, and the lines eased. He looked like a little boy, and it made you grin in response.

"Wow- I've uh- never had a girl say quite that to me before. Would you like me to .. pop the hood?" He grinned as he spoke and I smiled back, deciding that despite my reluctance I liked this guy. Rolling up on the tips of my toes and bouncing a bit excitedly, I nodded eagerly. He laughed, unlocking the driver door and reaching in. A distinct click was heard, and I rounded to the front, waiting for him to lift the hood. When he did, I gasped out loud, placing my coffee cup on the ground and leaning forward eagerly.

"Oh lord, what is that a 383?" I leaned over, not touching the engine, but peering all around like an excited kid. He chuckled behind me, and I pulled back slightly, realizing I was getting a bit too excited. "Sorry- my brothers were big into cars and I was big into whatever they were."

"It's alright. Are you ready to go now? You can take the coffee in you know." He shut the hood, and I shook my head, picking up my now nearly empty cup and finishing it off. Walking over to a nearby trash bin, I dropped it in and came back, sliding into the passenger side, that he had held open for me. When he slid behind the wheel and started the car, I grinned again. It was a damn nice car. As we pulled away, he looked over at me in question and I stared blankly.

"Oh! Right – address huh? It's 135th street." He nodded, taking a right at the next intersection.

"So were you a tom boy?" I shook my head and folded my hand sin my lap to prevent myself from running them over the dash.

"No- not really. Well, yes and no, if you see what I mean. I ran around after my brothers. Fought with them, played with them. But when high school hit I stopped, or only did it on weekends. High school were my 'make it up to Mom' years. I was social and everything she thought I should be." I watched the lights pass by as he drove – he drove fast, but seemed to be perfectly in control of the car, so I didn't flinch.

"What did she think you should be?" He asked mildly, and I turned to watch him with thoughtful eyes. He stared at the road, his hands gripping the wheel comfortably. Tilting my head I studied him in the dim light, watching how he drove, his movements sure and precise.

"Prom queen." I answered dryly.

"And you were." It was a statement not a question, and I waited for him to expand on it. He took one hand off the wheel and waved it slightly as he spoke. "You seem like the type- that if you go after something you get it. So I assume you were prom queen."

"Yeah I was." I watched him for a moment, and it finally clicked who his mannerisms reminded me of. Dick – he had that same self assured manner, that natural leadership aura about him. "You were Army weren't you?" He glanced over startled, and I felt a surge of triumph – he seemed hard to surprise.

"Yeah- I was. Intelligence, for a few years." I whistled at that little bit of news. The guy had to be sharp if he had been Army Intelligence. I glanced out the window – we were nearing my place now, and I felt oddly disappointed about it. He was interesting company, and I had actually really enjoyed myself. I rolled my eyes at myself, I must be hard up for a date if this is what I considered fun. A cheap cup of coffee and a car ride. Smiling, I had to admit it was more the man though.

"It's the building on the corner there." I pointed it out, and he slid to a halt in front of my doors. He glanced through the windshield, and looked at me.

"Studio?"

"Hell yeah- like I could afford actual walls on my salary." I joked lightly. "Walk up too- keeps me fit." He laughed slightly, and got out, opening the door for me. I looked up in surprise- the guy was unreal it seemed. "Thanks. So I have to be here-" i waved the business card he had given me earlier - "what time exactly?"

"Uh- around three if you can make it then. We'll have a briefing, go over the plan- who's going to be where – and it'll give you a chance to meet the guys." He frowned slightly as he spoke, and I looked up at him, a bit dazed for a moment. Pulling myself together, I smiled and nodded.

"Alright, I'll see you then. Thanks for the ride." I didn't wait for a response, but ran my ass up the front stairs, shoving my key int he door and pulling it open. Only once I was in the safety of my hallway, walking up the endless flight of stairs, did I allow myself to peek out one of the windows. Damn – it was not going to be easy working next to that guy. Remembering how friendly Lish had seemed, I felt an odd sense of disquiet. Shrugging I decided that at any rate- tomorrow was sure going to be interesting.


	3. Be One Traveler

A/N: Dude, this is what happens when I take three days to write a chapter- it ends up being nine pages long and even then I had to cut it off. I wanted to keep going. Which lucky for you, means an update tomorrow. Yay. Any mistakes I make about police procedure are my own- sadly I'm not a cop- just know what I learned through research and on tv.

Disclaimer: Still not mine. The more I write- the more depressing that fact is.

* * *

I stood at my closet door, digging desperately through the clothes – or lack thereof – inside, with my head cocked at an awkward angle and my phone biting into my shoulder. The reception is tinny and filled with slight white noise – which normally I hate but today I am thankful for. I hardly ever use the damn cordless anyway – it's awkward and unclear, but Dad bought it for me, and at times like this – where I can be berated by my mother and try to pack a bag for work at the same time – it's invaluable. I flip through the outfits in my closet , searching for classy junkie- a look I don't exactly just have laying around, and roll my eyes at my mother as she speaks.

"Mom-" I broke off, as she had started another tangent and I can't seem to get a word in edge wise. My eyes light up as I spot a black mini skirt from college – that could work. Yanking it out and throwing it in the bag on top of my hooker boots – the ones I refused to leave at work because I freaking loved them so much, they looked great under jeans – I turned my attention to the tops next, doing my best to ignore my mother's voice as I did so. "Mom – it's not like I had a choice-" I lied easily, flicking through the tops as I did it. Purple- _ugh. No, black would be too much black- maybe red?_ I dug deeper into my closet, shoving clothes aside. Digging is an unfortunate side effect of have a closet the size of a postage stamp and enough clothes to fill a room. Finally I grasped the shirt I was looking for. It was a long sleeved red top – silky and close fitting with a deep vee in the front. _I'll need my good bra for this._

"- I mean, they have no right to keep you there for three weeks Lexi- you haven't had a day off in three weeks, and I've half a mind to call someone and complain. I mean who is that Captain of yours?"

"Mom, no! Are you crazy? I'm new- that's why I'm working so much- and you yourself said if I want to get out of here quickly-" _Which I really don't_ - "I have to make the best possible impression. Believe me, I don't want to work today – I would much rather be home -" _As if._ "But I have to. I can't pass opportunities like this up." All of which sent her off on a tagent about why did all of her kids feel the need to go and try and get themselves killed every single day, and why couldn't she have been a doctor or a lawyer, or someone who didn't sleep with a gun. I sighed softly listening to her, finally finding the really great black bra I was looking for, and exchanging the one I was wearing under my blue shirt for it. A feat not to be unappreciated, especially as I did it with the phone still to my ear and my neck permanently touching my shoulder. Walking over to the kitchenette area, I looked at the clock again – wondering if I should cab it or grab the train. _Cab._ I wouldn't be able to hoist Mom off the phone quick enough anyway.

"Mom – enough, please." I finally broke through her little rant. "If I _had_ been a doctor or a lawyer, you'd probably see me even less, and believe me you don't have to carry a gun to get shot- just face one. Me carrying one just evens up the odds a little. Mom, I have to go-"

"Well, I'm so sorry that you can't even make time for your mother today. Apparently you're too busy off nabbing drug heads or whatever it is you are doing today – but if you want to go off while your poor mother hasn't even gotten the time of day – fine." She huffed on the other end, and I closed my eyes, trying not to bang my head repeatedly into the counter- or the phone.

"I'm sorry Mom – it's just that you've been doing nothing but yell- I assumed we were done with the two way comversation part of the call." I gritted through my teeth as slowly as possible. I assume she was mollified by this because she started up again – this time going on about Tommy and how he traced his own hand – _his own hand, Lexi imagine that_ – all by himself too. I bit my lip, and searched through my tiny cupboards for my instant coffee. I'll need it for the rest of this, I was sure. A knock comes from my door, and I glanced over in surprise. I hadn't buzzed anyone in – and unless it was the super, or someone at the wrong apartment... I walked over, grabbing my gun from the table by the door- just in case – you never knew. I looked through the peep hole. And then immediately pulled back, an odd smile on my face and a slight tingle in my stomach. Goren- _Goren_ was standing outside my apartment. I stared at the door for a second, the sound of my mother's voice buzzing in my ear, and heard a second knock- this one more forceful. "Just a second." I called out, my hands fumbling with the chains and the phone once again relegated to the crook between my ear and shoulder.

"Lexi- who are you talking to?" My mother's voice burst through and I swung the door open. If possible he looked better in daylight- standing there in jeans and a dark shirt under a beaten leather coat, and holding two cups of coffee – _oh my God coffee!_

"If one of those is for me, I may love you right now." I stepped back, and he walked into the room with a slight smile, holding one cup out. I snatched it, bringing it closer to my face and inhaling it's lovely coffee scent.

"Love who? Alexandra Coleen Eames you answer me this second!" I lowered the cup, wondering how my mother was capable of killing my 'hot guy brought me coffee' buzz in ten words.

"Mom! Lord- someone just got here, with coffee. That's it, I swear." I waved him over to the left side of the room, that I like to pretentiously call my dining room – since it has a small table with two chairs.

"Who got there?" I could practically hear the slyness ooze out of her voice and I froze. _Damn. No way in hell am I telling her it's a guy._

"Mike. She's uh- dropping me off at NEU. So – unfortunately I have to go." I rolled over any protest she might make and ignored the looks Goren was giving me at being declared to be my female boss.

"Lexi – are you-"

"Seriously Mom. I'm sorry I can't make it- but the next few days I have off, I'll stay over night- I swear." I paused- waiting and praying – and finally she huffed slightly in irritation.

"Alright Lexi- just- be careful, and I love you, all right?"

"I love you too Mom. Bye." I hung up the phone before she could yell or ask another question or wonder why exactly my guest has been completely silent. Dropping the phone on the table, I sat down in one of the two chairs. Taking a large sip of the coffee – it's black and sweet and just how I like it. I looked up at him with a smile once I've put it down. "So not that I ever question people who bring me coffee- especially when I'm out – but why are you here, exactly?"

He sat in the chair across from me gingerly. My table and chair set are beautiful and I love them, a mosaic table done in pieces of ivory and rose colored ceramic, but the chairs are tiny wrought iron things you'd normally see outside cafe's that have outdoor seating. Fortunately, it doesn't break – just makes him look ridiculously large in a tiny chair. "Well- I figured you might like a ride. I knew your address, and your neighbor- Mrs. Moesher – was on her way in – I helped her carry her groceries and let her tell me all about her four cats. Your name is listed inside on the buzzer."

"Offering a ride _and_ coffee. And they say you can never meet the perfect man." I laughed slightly, cradling the cup in my hands and taking another sip.

"Hardly perfect." He mumbled slightly, glancing around the room. "Wow – it's-"

"Small? Cozy? Low maintenance? Come on, I've heard them all." I grinned, knowing my apartment is tiny. But it's bright, and has great wood floors and enough room – barely – for my bed, my sofa and desk and my table set.

"Very you." He finished and I looked up in question. "Small – but well put together." I laughed, and maybe blushed a bit – not that I'd admit it.

"Well, I haven't heard that one before." I stared down at my cup and silence reigned for a moment. He seemed fine with the lack of noise- but it made me nervous. I'm not used to quiet. Ever. "And you're here two hours early, why?"

"Well, I figured you'd take the train, and the trip takes 43 minutes, adding in time to get to the station, you would have left at approximately around 2:03 – or 1:42 if you wanted time to get coffee or just leave time to get lost – miss stops, that type of thing. You strike me as a planner so I figured on the earlier time. I didn't want to miss you – so I got here early." I smiled as he spoke, a grin that spread across my face. He stopped speaking, and looked around, almost as if embarrassed by his speech. "Sorry- I – kind of overthink things sometimes." He stared at me a moment, and I almost got the sense he expected something from me, but I'm wasn't sure what.

"It's better than not thinking at all. And you're right – if I was taking the train today I would have left at 1:42 – maybe earlier. I tend to miss stops a lot. Something about the subway allows for deep thinking that lets you forget where you're going." His gaze on my face seemed startled – by what I'm wasn't sure, but a smile crossed his face and he shifted, causing the chair to creak ominously. Suddenly a look crossed his face that is slightly distressed.

"_If_ you were taking the train? Did you actually have a ride- I'm sorry-" he stood suddenly, looking around as though he forgot where the exit was. Which was impossible as everything in my place was ten feet away.

"No." I admonished him, standing too and frowning. "I was going to take a cab. So you're saving me money- so much so that I'll let you drive me somewhere to get breakfast. I'll even buy." I walked the ten feet over to my bed and grabbed my bag. Confusion crossed his face as he took in the bag, and I pulled on my coat with a smile. "My clothes for tonight. What I'm wearing now doesn't exactly scream desperate junkie seeking to trade hook ups for coke." His eyes wandered over what I'm wearing, and I turned to open the door, my skin tingling. He stepped out behind me and I locked the locks, before starting down the stairs with a secretive smile playing around my mouth.

* * *

We had breakfast at one of those corner shops that specialize in things that aren't good for you. The conversation was minimal – he seemed happy to just be silent and eat- occasionally telling me bits and pieces about the crew I'd be working with today. Occasionally he would tell stories of busts made in the past, and I would laugh, but not too much. Mostly I sat for an hour, terrified that I would say or do the wrong thing. Which was stupid, I knew – but I swore he made me feel like a sixteen year old on her first date again – which was ridiculous. I wasn't this girl – the one who tried to be quiet and just impress the guy she was with. I hadn't been that girl since my first boyfriend Patrick Doherty had thought I would just smile and nod my way into bed with him. All it had taken was a good left hook and he hadn't thought it again. In fact he had barely looked at me again for the remaining three years of high school. After that I decided it was better to just be me up front- less after date scuffles. My father had cherished that story for years afterward- I think it comforted him when I would go out.

Before I knew it , I was standing in front of a group of men , mostly scruffy looking and as far from what you though of as cops as you could get. Narcotic officers were under cover so often any civilian would have trouble picking them as a cop if they were walking down the street. But overall, they seemed like an alright bunch of guys – I was used to narcs since Sean was one over in Brooklyn North – he loved his job even if it drove Mom nuts and Mindy hardly slept when he was out on busts. So from experience I knew that narcotics was 90 percent planning with 10 percent adrenaline pumping busts. They seemed to accept me at Goren's simple introduction, asking me how I liked Vice and one of them, Smith I think- asking if Sean Eames was my brother. When I replied in the affirmative, they all turned to me with a new look in their eyes – almost all of them, including Goren surprisingly, had worked with Sean.

"Alright girls, enough chit chat – time to get to business." A burly man with low set eyes and a fierce glare entered the room. All talk ceased, and I could only assume this was their sergeant. He stood at the front of the room, an imposing presence, and glowered out over the group. "Alright, as we all know, we're hitting club 321 – the objective is to get the girl in there, have her purchase and try to get into the back- once she does- and we confirm that they're cooking like we all know they are – we can move in. Jack, Sanchez and Smith are on radio ops outside. Goren you're inside and I'll be working the perimeter. Now where's the girl?" He spoke in a rushed tone, and I bristled a bit at constantly being referred to as 'the girl'. I could kick half these guys asses, and it irritated me being referred to by gender alone.

"Eames sir- and she's here." Smith spoke from behind me, and the sergeant's eyes landed on me.

"Kinda scrawny, aren't ya? Ah well – I suppose it'll work for you. Junkies aren't exactly pin up girls are they?" I stared ahead of me coldly, not really looking at him but through him. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction, but when I refused to give him one, he shrugged and looked down at me. "Anyway- did you have any questions?" I was silent for a moment, wanting to just stay silent, but I needed information that he could give me. Finally meeting his gaze, I asked.

"What happens if I get back there and there's no cook house?" My voice was strong and sure, but the mere thought of being trapped back there, unable to blow cover and with no grounds for back up to come in terrified me.

"Goren'll handle it. Just give a signal." I remained stone faced, but inwardly I wondered what the hell Goren could actually do. "And if that's it, I'll see you all out here and ready at 22:00. Got it?" Without waiting for a response, he left the room and I stared after him in disbelief.

"Shit no wonder Mike hates him." I muttered, only to hear Smith laugh behind me.

"Yeah- he and Mike have what I would call a hate hate relationship. Lucky for us though, Mike actually likes Goren. Lord knows why-" I turned in my chair, to see Smith grinning and hanging over the desk portion of the student chairs that were in the room. Goren was sitting one aisle over, slouched down and ignoring Smith's words. "But there you have it. Sarge is just pissed anyway- we're two men short. I mean- normally we're one man short anyway- we have an empty spot in the squad, but George was shot last week in a bust. He's fine, but laid up, and we're short staffed."

"Why didn't he let me take one of our guys then?" I asked, curious – I saw Goren stiffen slightly in his chair and stare straight down.

"Did Mike offer one of your guys? Hmm.. she musta been in a great mood. Anyway Sarge hates when other guys get the bust- if one of your guys were in with you and they actually do the arresting, it counts as a Vice arrest- not NEU. And he don't like that." I rolled my eyes, not quite believing that a superior officer would put arrest rate above the safety of his guys. I made a mental note to have Sean ask around about this guy. After that, everyone seemed to scatter to their own desks, concentrating on last minute tasks. I didn't really have much to do, except stand around by the coffee pot, consuming cup after cup.

At one point, after an hour or three, I wasn't exactly watching the clock, Sanchez walked up next to me. He was a short guy – only a few inches taller than me, but he was thick and looked like an ox. His hair was long- longer than mine now, and pulled back in a ponytail. He also had a full beard, and you could see several tattoos peeking out from under his plain black shirt. Leaning against the counter beside me, he watched as I drank yet another cup of coffee. "Are you nervous? You shouldn't be- we won't let anything happen to you." I could tell he was trying to be reassuring but it made me snort slightly.

"Why would you think I'm nervous?" I asked mildly, pouring another cup of coffee.

"I dunno- maybe the fact that that's what? Your ninth cup of coffee in two hours? Or maybe because you keep watching all of us- some more than others, of course." he grinned at me as he spoke, and I found myself smiling back- despite his appearance he seemed to be one of the more level guys around here. "For instance I notice you keep eying my partner a bit. Not that you'd be the first- seems like Goren picks up fans wherever he goes." I didn't flush, or look away from where my eyes actually were watching Goren- if I looked away now, it'd be as good as an admission.

"Well- he's an interesting guy. Nice too- and polite. Two reasons women would be interested right there. It goes a long way." I remarked in an offhand manner. I could feel his eyes watching my face and I looked over at him finally.

"Hey- I'm nice too. And I can even be polite- but somehow the girls- they don't really see past the- the-"

"Looking like you'd stab them aspect?" I laughed out loud and he laughed with me. "Well – true you don't really look like someone you'd bring home to Mom, but you're NEU. It's kind of part and parcel. You need to look the part. So is the missing guy from the squad the other under cover?" He looked at me with a surprised face, shaking his head no.

"Goren is. He didn't tell you? He's a bastard- really – I have to grow a mane and a beard to fit in, but Goren- man when he gets going, no one would know he isn't a junkie. He's got it all down pat- the shakes, the tremors, the wildness. Like once, we were cornered by this group of dealers- and Goren – he just went insane man. He was running around, acting like a raving lunatic- he didn't even have a weapon, not a knife, not anything on him. But he scared the shit outta those guys, and they ended up running from him- it was some crazy shit man. Goren- he's not easy to get along with- especially if you stumble across a scene with him- but I gotta tell ya- he's saved my ass with his actions alone more times than I can count." I smiled as he told the story, my mouth twisting up and my eyes watching as Sanchez spoke in a quiet tone.

"Guess his fans aren't all female huh?" I spoke wryly, and Snachez stopped, staring at me for a beat, before laughing out loud- the sound surprisingly deep and rumbling. I grinned and he slapped me on the shoulder, almost causing me to loose my coffee.

"I think I like you girly. Let me tell you something. Usually the girls Goren does date- I don't like. They're – I dunno- transitory, never permanent if you know what I mean. They're also usually too tall for me, but I gotta say- if he doesn't ask you out- I may do it myself." Sanchez laughed, grabbing a mug from behind me on the counter, and continuing to chuckle as he glanced at me and poured his own coffee.

"What are you two conspiring about over here?" Goren had walked up, refilling his own mug and eying us warily.

"I was telling Eames here, she's more than welcome to a ride on the Mexican stallion, man." I laughed at this, and Sanchez grinned at his partner's glare.

"It may be too much for me to handle." I spoke dryly, and Sanchez laughed again.

"You know it baby- but I'd go easy on ya- you're worth it." He leaned against the counter, clearly not going anywhere and Goren stared at me in shock.

"Carlos- stop that. You don't need to scare off the one Vice girl that can tolerate you." Goren's tone was light, but Sanchez stood straighter and looked at him.

"Jealous Bobby?" He snickered, looking back over at me. They stood face to face and it looked dangerously close to escalating into a school yard fight. I rolled my eyes.

"It gives me the shakes." I interrupted and they both turned to me in surprise. Confusion was written on both their faces and I sighed. "The coffee- you asked-" I spoke to Sanchez and indicated my cup. "Short of actual drugs is gives you the best impression of the shakes." Sanchez grinned, nodding and saluting me with his cup before winking at Goren and leaving. Goren was staring at me with respect.

"Where did you- I mean if you've never done under cover for us-"

I shrugged it off. "My brothers mostly- and common sense." I leaned back against the counter, and he stood there for a moment, before nodding awkwardly and heading back to his desk. Once he arrived I could see him exchange remarks with Sanchez, both leaning across the desk and speaking heatedly. I shook my head, and decided to take a walk around the building – I was getting way too bored here.

* * *

Several hours later and what I'm sure was several liters of coffee- I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror- the guys had agreed to let me use the bathroom while they used their locker room – applying mascara heavily and with a slightly unsteady hand. My eyes were slightly wild and the pupils had long since shrunk thanks to the large amounts of caffeine in my system. Stepping back, I observed the look I had gone for. My skirt was short- a hell of a lot shorted than I remembered, barely skirting the tops of my thighs. It did have the advantage of making my legs look really long – probably the reason I had bought it in the first place. In combination with the boots that zipped to below my knee and had wicked heels, my legs looks endless for maybe the first time in my life. The shirt was deeply cut and the bra I had the foresight to wear lifted and pushed everything up where it was prominently on display. It was trashy looking – but I was still completely comfortable, because in comparison to my hooking outfit, it was practically nun like. I ran my hands through my hair one more time, making it appear tousled and a bit crazy. Satisfied, I stepped out of the room, to be met by claps and cat calls from the men standing there.

"Hot damn Eames-" Sanchez stepped up beside me with a wolf like grin. "No wonder you have a hot rate over at Vice- hell, _I'd_ offer to pay for you if I saw you on the street." I laughed slightly, noting that Goren wasn't among the group, and Carlos noticed my interest. "He's already gone ahead- didn't want to arrive all at once. So we're gonna wire you up baby- and send you on your way. If you can't get back there looking like that then we may as well give up trying to get these bastards."

An hour later, I was sitting in a cold van around the corner from the club- nervous as hell and feeling like I was ready to throw up. I never felt like this walking the streets with Vice- I was almost never alone with the johns- and if I was for even a second Dick would bust in there, exchange or no exchange. For a brief moment, I wished he was here. He had partnered me for the most part- despite Conner's attempts to get assigned to me, Mike still usually put me with Dick and I appreciated it. He was like a solid second presence, unseen but still there.

"Alright, so if you get back there and see something, the signal is 'Holy shit'. Simple right? If not, no drug activity and just you and the dealer- Goren said to get nervous- say something about your boyfriend. He'll come in if needed. Got it?" I nodded nervously at Carlos- who had insisted I call him that on the way over – now that he had seen all my bits, as he put it- while taping me up. "You'll be fine Eames. Knock em dead." Carlos winked at me, and I stepped out of the van into the cold dark night. I didn't take time to look back, but instead walked steadily down the street and around the corner, heading for the pumping of music across the street. I could feel the excitement that hung heavy in the air, and my eyes scanned around me, watching everything in high speed thanks to the copious amounts of caffeine traveling through my system.

The doorman took one look at me and barely blinked before opening the door for me. When I went inside the heat hit me in a wave, and the smell of stale smoke and sweat hit me full in the face. The music was pumping like crazy- and a sea of bodies twisted and writhed on the dance floor like a giant orgy. I stumbled slightly as I stepped over the threshold, but most people brushed it off as another drunk. I went to the bar and hollered for a shot of tequila, holding it gingerly in my hand as I walked across the sea of tables. My blood was pounding and my eyes were scanning the crowd- searching for the mark that Carlos had given me earlier. Emilio Cruz. Finally I spotted him, standing by a back door, and watching the crowd. He was big- but not huge, maybe five eleven or so. You could see clearly that he was carrying, and he observed the crowd, standing in front of a door and his eyes narrowed. Taking a deep breath to calm my heart rate, I stepped into his line of sight.

Downing the shot- I dropped it on a table and began to walk around, plainly stumbling into people, begging for help. I went over my spiel- how I just needed a small hit and did anyone know who could help me, please? I felt disgusting as I ran into one guy or another who didn't have a hit to score, but had no issues with their hands grazing the back of my skirt and trailing down my thighs. I swallowed the nausea and continued on, the liquor burning in my stomach and my breathing shallow and rapid. I could feel the tension in my shoulders, and I grabbed the next guy- again repeating my lines. Over his shoulder I finally got a glimpse of Goren- sitting in a shadowed corner- a drink in front of him and his eye son me. He was still in the leather coat- and I briefly wondered how the hell he could wear it in this heat. He shifted in his seat slightly and I saw him leaning forward, his fingers running down the glass as his eyes never left me. It gave me an odd sort of comfort, and I was dimly aware of the guys discussion in my ear piece, as Goren was reporting what was happening. Finally after what seemed like the tenth guy- I felt a hand on my arm and I looked over to see Emilio at my shoulder, his hand touching between my shoulder blades intimately and leaning forward.

"You looking for something baby? I may have what you need." I turned fully toward him, pressing myself closer against his body- so close I could smell the musk of him, thankfully not laced with alcohol or anything else. Just the scent of him and perhaps tobacco hitting my nose as I leaned in, practically rubbing up against him in my eagerness. Running a hand up over his arm to his chest I looked up at him with my wide wild eyes.

"Do you? I just need a bit- just a little bit- I was trying- trying to quit but I can't . I can't do this- it's so hard." My voice was shaky from nerves, but it worked and I clung to him, pushing my desperation on him like a live aphrodisiac.

"Aw baby- I know it's hard. I'll tell you what- I'll just give you a bit- and then you'll be fine right? Come on." He lead me down a side hall, and I could see a door marked Employees Only ahead of us. We entered it, and I saw we were in a bathroom, with four stalls. "What's your weapon of choice sweetness?" His voice was soothing and his hands were still traveling up and down my back, pulling me against him, reaching down to slide my skirt up slightly. I resisted the urge to throw up right there, steeling myself as I looked at him.

"Coke." I whispered slightly, bringing a hand up and touching my nose in what could be taken as an unconscious touch. He grinned, pulling my hips tightly against his for a moment. Nodding he pulled a small baggie out of his pocket, and holding out a hand. I handed him a compact mirror and he cut a line out on it, handing it to me. I held in reverently and he nodded. _Shit_. I pulled some money out of my tiny purse, shoving it in his hands, not counting, knowing it would look odd if I did. I stepped into a stall and he laughed, allowing me privacy, thank god.

"You don't like being watched while you do the nasty, huh pretty? That's alright. You have your taste." His laughed echoed as I pulled an evidence bag from my purse, emptying the drug into it. I made a loud sniffing noise- wincing at the ridiculousness as I did so- and stepped out of the stall. My walk was calmer, and I effected a steady smile as I stepped nearer to him. Wrapping my arms up around his neck, I swayed slightly, leaning against him as he laughed. "Needed that did you girl? How was it?" His voice was heavy and suggestive as he whispered by my ear. His breath was hot and heavy, almost panting and I shuddered involuntarily. He took it as a sign of pleasure though, and ran a hand up against my ribcage, his hand clumsily fondling one of my breasts as I fought to stay still. Grabbing me against him again, he pulled me back into the club.

"Anyone can get in there Red. I'm gonna take you somewhere more private and you can show me just how much you loved it. Maybe then you'll get some more, huh? Would you like that little girl?" I nodded numbly, allowing myself to be pulled along behind him, tripping in my heels as they dragged across the sticky carpet. He chuckled and headed towards the door in back, and I saw Goren's face briefly as he cut across our path. He didn't look at me, but he was close enough for me to reach out and grab and for some reason that made me feel calmer, my breathing slowing to a steady pattern. I barely had time to blink before I found myself being shoved through a door into a dark room beyond. The door barely clicked shut behind us when I could feel his hands pulling at me, running down my ass and slipping under my skirt. I could barely breathe he was pressed so close, and it was so dark it felt like being smothered. The concrete wall bit into my back and I pushed him back with an unsteady hand.

"Wait." I managed to gasp out, and he fell back, his mouth o longer hovering over my skin. My stomach rolled and I looked around- deciding that now would be a good time to have a bit of a terror attack. Breathing harshly in the silence, I built up a sense of panic until I was practically hyperventilating. "Dark. I don't like the dark." He pulled off me, pulling me down the stairs there, and I almost tripped. At the bottom he hit a light switch- and the room illuminated suddenly. At first all I could see was concrete and gleaming white tiles, and then I saw the cot in the corner, and the room beyond with it's gleaming tubs and clear plastic bottles. The acrid smell of chemicals hit my nose and I almost sagged in relief.

"There , there baby- it'll be okay. See? Light- all better. My boss left me in charge tonight- you like it?" He took in my shocked gaze as I stared at the expanse of what must be the basement.

"Holy shit."


	4. Long I Stood

A/N: Another big one. And seriously I intended for there to be more of a dance with Bobby and Alex in this story- but they insisted that it be more about how they would unfold along this path, so who am I to argue? Thanks again for all my reviews, I freaking love them, as usual.

Disclaimer: No Harm , no sue.

* * *

It felt like everything moved in slow motion after that – except me. I remember shouting as ESU entered the building upstairs, I remembered Emilio scrambling off of me, his breathing heavy and he was swearing. He tried to run, and I finally got to do what I had wanted to all night, felling him with a knee to the groin and a swift upper cut. The door burst open and several men ran down but it was a blur to me. I waited until he was cuffed before fleeing the scene. I pushed past the crowd, people grabbing and pushing, but I pressed past them. I heard my name more than once, but I didn't stop until I was outside in the fresh air, and able to lean over a trash bin, emptying the contents of my stomach. The liquor burned on the way back up too, and when I was finished, I slid down to the the cold concrete of the curb, my head on my knees and still feeling his hands on me. I shivered slightly, feeling the air hit my clammy skin in a refreshing way.

A coat fell over my shoulders and I looked up to see Carlos standing there with a sympathetic smile. "You all right Eames?" I rubbed a hand across my eyes with a laugh, and nodded before slowly standing up.

"Yeah- fine now. Um.." I searched for my purse, but realized I must have dropped it downstairs. "My bag- I put the coke in an evidence bag. It's in there but I must have dropped it in the basement-"

"We found it." Goren's voice issued from behind Carlos, and I glanced up at him. "You- you did great in there Eames. Shit- you would have convinced me if I hadn't known any better. Good job." He grinned, and I felt the adrenaline kick in again, my heart rate speeding back up again. Suddenly I felt wide awake and just bouncing off the walls, like a second wave of energy hit me. I grinned, nodding and watching them haul Emilio out of the club. He glared at me, and I waved with a smile.

"So what now?" I looked to Carlos, who laughed and shook his head.

"Now we go book the guy, and you go home, with our many, many thanks. Go get a shower and some sleep Alex. You'll need it." Carlos stepped away from me and I nodded numbly handing him back his coat. Walking over to the van with him, I grabbed my bag from inside, and reached in my shirt, ripping the tape away none too gently, and passing over the mic that had been strapped to me, along with the receiver.

"Want a ride?" A voice asked in my ear and I turned to see Goren there with a serious expression in his eyes. I frowned in response.

"Don't you need to be there? For booking? Interrogation?"

"The guys can handle it- it's not like I haven't done it before." He rubbed a hand up over the side of his head as he spoke, and glanced at the ground. "So- would you like a ride home?"

"Yeah- sure, I guess." He nodded at my unsure answer, and lead me over to a nearby ally where his car was parked.

"Still wired?" He glanced over as he unlocked my door and I nodded, sliding around him and onto the seat. When he got in the car, I answered.

"Yeah- I mean, it was odd right? Like I was strung so tight doing it- I was nervous and then after- it was like every ounce of energy drained out of me- but then-"

"It hit you again? Second wind- or adrenaline rush. It's not uncommon after high stress situations. But the nature of adrenaline is that it's temporary to give you enough of a rush to fight or flee and then wears out. So as much as you think you could be up for hours- in reality you'll crash in about an hour or so." I stared at him for a beat, listening to him with wonder.

"You have a lecture on it just filed away back there don't you?" I touched his forehead lightly as I spoke and he smiled.

"I try not to- to lecture, really."

"Must be hard sometimes, huh?" He grinned at my question and laughed slightly. I turned to the window, watching the street lights fly by in a blur as he drove quickly. Leaning my head against the glass, I felt the vibrations of the tires rotating on the pavement filter through my skin and hum through my body. I could feel myself calming down as it did so. It must have calmed me so much that I fell asleep, because next thing I knew, I felt a slight shake and a whispered 'Eames'.

"'lex." I mumbled, turning toward the source of sound, but keeping my eyes closed.

"Eames-"

"Alex." My voice was halfway between a moan and a whine now, and I felt a vibration and then heard a chuckle.

"Fine- Alex. You have to wake up- come on." I blinked, my eyes adjusting to the dim light in the car rapidly and my senses becoming more and more alert as I did so. To things like the fact that there was something warm and soft under my head, and it happened to be Goren's shoulder. I froze for a moment, and I could distantly hear the thump of his heartbeat. It was a nice sound and I smiled, before sitting upright a moment later and rubbing my eyes.

"I'm awake- I'm awake." I muttered, more to convince myself than him and I heard his soft laughter. "Fine- you were right- adrenaline gone." I mumbled as my hand fumbled with the door handle to the right of me. His hands covered mine, stopping them.

"Really? Here, stay still, I'll get the door." There was a rush of cold air that hit my skin as he opened his door, and I blinked, more fully awake now. When he opened my door, the cold air seemed to smack me in the face. I took his hand and stepped out of the vehicle, and he leaned behind me to grab my bag. The door shut with a heavy metal thud, and I stood on the sidewalk for a moment, looking up at the dark sky.

"I love the fall. I wish we could see the stars though-" my voice was barely a whisper on the frigid night air, and I felt his hand, large and warm at my elbow.

"Me too- but it's freezing and you'll get sick if you stand around much longer in those clothes." I could feel him gently pulling me up the stairs and I smiled, following him. Once we got to the foyer, I dug in my bag for my keys, and somehow managed to open the door with them. The warm air hit us as we stepped into the foyer. I had thought he'd leave then- but somehow it didn't surprise me that he would walk me all the way to my door. He pulled me along with him, when I was plodding up the stairs muttering about fifth floor walkups.

"Come on Alex- what about keeping you in shape?" His voice teased as I finally reached my floor, and stood in front of my door, leaning against it as I tried in vain to get the keys in the door.

"I'm fine. And I swear my next apartment will be on the ground floor." He took the keys from my hand, and slid them into the deadbolts one by one. The door swung open under his deft hands almost effortlessly, and I glared at it before shrugging. Truthfully, I would probably swing open under those hands too. The thought sent a shiver across my skin, which suddenly seemed hyper sensitive. I felt every inch of his hand span as it rested against my back gently, pressing me forward. And unlike Emilio's hands, his didn't make my skin crawl, but rather I had a sudden urge to have them every where else on me. I could feel my skin tingle and warm under his touch, and irrationally I felt the urge to press myself back against him.

"You shouldn't say that Alex- ground floor apartments are-"

"Most likely to be robbed and or invaded. Yeah I got that lecture from my Dad. It's why he only approved the fifth floor apartment." I frowned, switching on the lamp by my door and a soft glow invaded the room, illuminating my sofa and desk, and almost reaching my bed in the far corner.

He nodded, glancing around, as if to check that the apartment is truly all right. I moved over to my sofa, sitting down and glancing around me, fully awake now. The short nap in the car had refreshed me, and I felt slightly edgy. "Hey, want some coffee?" I inquired and he laughed, tilting his head slightly as his eyes studied me. Those eyes made me feel a bit intoxicated as they traveled across my face.

"Aren't you out?"

"Shit. Yes- uh- tea? Water? Vodka? It's about all I have. I'm not big on groceries- or anything that involves more than boiling water- sorry." I shrugged and he walked over, sitting on the sofa next to me, his large frame taking up more than half of it.

"No- I'm fine. Do you need help with anything? You were half asleep back there- I don't want to just leave you." His damn eyes were again inspecting me and I grinned as a thought occured to me.

"Why, you want to help put me to bed Goren?" I giggled to myself, bending over to slid the zippers on my boots down. I eased my foot out and repeated the action a second time, before glancing up having realized he hadn't said anything. His eyes were watching my hands, his eyes slightly dark and I smiled to myself slightly.

"Bobby." His voice was a strangled whisper and I sat back up, turning to him in question. "Call me Bobby." I tucked my legs under me, relishing the feel of no shoes as I flexed my aching toes under me. He plucked one of my shoes from the floor, staring at it in wonder, his hand almost bigger than the sole of my boot. "They're so tiny. You're so tiny." He glanced over at me as he spoke and I smiled.

"I blame my Mom. My brothers? All over six feet- my dad too. But me and my Mom? Tiny. Even my sister managed somehow to be five eleven- the lucky whore. But me? No I get to be five foot two without heels, and I hate it." I sighed, leaning my head back as I spoke. "I can't reach the top shelf ever- so I have tons of unused shelf space- I get underestimated all the time-"

"Maybe that's a good thing though. Look at Emilio- he didn't perceive you as a threat because of his size. But you surprised him and got the upper hand. The element of surprise can be very useful- especially in our line of work-" I rolled my head to the right, watching as he spoke. He always seemed to be so sincere about everything he said. He would wave his hands, look you in the eye, make you feel like he meant every word. And maybe he did- I didn't really know, but I really really wanted to.

"Bobby-" I cut him off and he glanced at me in surprise. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my suddenly tense nerves. I felt off kilter, but not in a bad way, and I knew I didn't want him to leave. "What happens now?"

His brow furrowed and he studied me silently for a moment, as if giving serious weight to the question. I sat up straighter and leaned forward, watching him. "It's- what do you mean? What happens now as in right this second, or now as in tomorrow, or next week, or next month?"

"Now. Right this second, and later. I like you Bobby- and God if I don't feel fifteen saying that but there it is. I like you." I smiled nervously as I spoke, my heart rate increasing and I swallowed at the end, wondering if I should have said anything at all. His eyes met mine and he stared at me for a moment, before raising a hand, and tracing a finger along my jaw.

"I like you too- but you scare the shit out of me Alex." His eyes were intense and his voice was barely a whisper as I leaned into his touch, shifting myself closer to him.

"Why?" I whispered back, reaching up and taking his hand in mine. I held it, bringing it down to my lap, and pinning it between my two hands. His fingers were long and tapered, and his hands looked deft- yet strong.

"I don't really- date girls that I really like. It- commitment isn't something I do. And somehow- I look at you and I know- you're not casual. You're not someone to just date. And it terrifies me." His voice was hesitant and halting, and I felt my heart stop for a moment, and I closed my eyes briefly. His hand rotated mine, and his fingers began tracing a pattern on the inside of my palm.

"It scares me more though, to think that if I pass this up- you won't be there again." His fingers ran up across the back of my wrist and I shivered lightly in response. "So- would you-" He seemed to halt, his eyes meeting mine and I could see the nervousness there. I smiled as his fingers reached my inner elbow now, and I moved closer, nodding.

"Yes." I answered before he could even finish the question and he grinned, the smile crossing his face fully. "I have days off after this-"

"Me too. We could-" He was leaning closer now, and I could feel the whisper of his breath against my cheek.

"Maybe tomorrow-" I mumbled, not really following the conversation, and he nodded once before I leaned over, closing the distance between us, and pressed my mouth to his. His lips were soft, and he tasted like something dark and sweet, and I could feel my insides liquefy a bit. His hands came up to cradle my head, tucking my hair behind my ear as he took over control of the kiss, angling his mouth across mine gently. I let him, accepting as my mouth opened under his and my heart pounded in my ears. When I felt his tongue wrap around mine, I all but climbed in his lap, he felt so good. His hands ran down my neck, along my back and shoulders- and his touch erased any others that had come before him that night. My body leaned into his, wanting more, to be closer as his hands hit my hips, pulling me against him. I felt like I couldn't breathe- and I didn't really want to ever again either- the room was quiet and softly lit and his hands were tracing lines of fire across my skin. I never wanted it to stop.

Eventually though, I did pull away, almost gasping for air. My forehead rested against his, and I felt a need building deep inside me that would unfortunately not be filled tonight. Sighing, I rested my hands along his shoulders, trying to regain my equilibrium. My eyes met his and I smiled softly at how dark they were. "Wow."

I felt his laugh at my statement, and giggled in response. My smile grew into a grin, and I felt as though something light was filling my chest- waiting to burst out. He leaned back, his hand tracing the side of my face and his eyes watching me intently. It made me feel giddy- and beautiful and wanted. "Yeah- wow." He whispered back, and I shifted my legs so I was sitting next to him instead of on top of him. "So- tomorrow, right? We could- have dinner, or do.. something." he laughed self consciously, before continuing. "Normally I'm a bit more articulate than this- and I'll have a better plan later. But right now-"

"It's alright. I don't care what we do. Dinner, movie, whatever. I'll do anything-" _With you._ It was unspoken, but the implication hung heavy in the air, and his hand tightened on my waist.

"Good. I- uh- I should go before-" His meaning was clear as well, and I nodded shakily, sliding away from him reluctantly and standing. He stood as well, and I walked with him over to the door. He looked down at me with a small smile, shaking his head. "So tiny." I laughed, knowing he was right- our difference in height is especially noticeable now that I'm in my bare feet. My head doesn't even clear his shoulder, and if I laid it on his chest, I'm sure I would hear his heart perfectly. "So- I'll- I'll call you. Right?"

"My number- you'll need it." I spoke suddenly, realizing I wasn't that clear on details. I scribbled it down on a loose piece of paper on my desk, handing it to him. "Or I'm- you know in the book." I grinned nervously and he laughed, tucking the paper in his pocket.

"Okay- I'm- I'm gonna go." He gestured to the door behind him and everything felt awkward for a second. I stepped closer to him, and all awkwardness seemed to disappear. His head lowered and I rose on my tip toes, almost on point and met him halfway. This kiss was brief- sweet but filled with promise. He stepped away and exited with one more look, and as I closed the door behind him, and slid the bolts into place, I pressed my ear to the door. When I heard his footsteps echo down the stairwell, I gave a little silent scream, spinning around and grinning. All of a sudden, it was a beautiful night. And tomorrow would be a beautiful day.

* * *

I grinned walking into the house the next day. I'm sure my smile was blinding in it's audacity- but somehow I couldn't quite get it off my face. My cheeks hurt, and I'm sure it had stayed there while I slept too. I sing songed a good morning to the desk sergeant who scowled back. Wandering up the stairs I paused outside Mike's door to knock. At her hollered 'come in' I entered with the grin.

"Well look who's back, and with glowing reports too. Believe me, getting the ass over at NEU to write anything other than 'sufficient' is a freaking miracle. Not thinking of leaving us now, are you?" Mike sat behind her desk with it's usual clutter and I grinned again and shook my head.

"Hell no- I spent all of last night either scared out of my mind, trying not to throw up, or throwing up. I'll stay here for a while- thanks." I stood in front of the desk, leaning against it slightly with the smile still in place.

"Uh huh- they all say that to me. Alright- go grab your stuff and get out of here. I don't want to see you for three days- is that clear?" She finally looked up and saw the expression on my face and shook her head. "Shit- what did you get laid last night or something? You look- way too happy for this early."

I laughed and shook my head, hopping up from the corner of her desk, my smile beaming. "Nope- just- in a great mood, that's all."

"Yeah well, get your 'great mood' under control before you come back to work, please. You're making me sick just being that happy. Now get. Oh and Lish wanted to see you before you left, so go on down and see her , otherwise it'll be my fault I'm sure." Mike waved me out and I gladly escaped, smiling at the thought of three solid days off. Of course, I'd have to spend one of them at home- I'd promised Mom, but one day out of three was.. well I still had two days to myself right? Not to mention that one of them would be spent with Bobby. I skipped down the stairs, and walked into the squad room, empty save for Lish.

"Alex- Jesus you look great for someone who probably got no sleep." Lish laughed, and indicated that I sit on the desk, which I did. "so- how was NEU?" She grinned and I laughed slightly, feeling a spike of irritation in remembrance of her easy conversation with Bobby.

"Good- great. It was a rush. The guys all seemed nice though- Smith and Carlos and Bobby-"

"Some nicer than others, huh?" She grinned knowingly and I rolled my eyes. "Oh come on- even you have to admit- Bobby's pretty great. He's never even looked at me with anything other than professional interest though-"

"Good thing seeing as you have a thing for Joe." I broke in dryly and she flushed, glancing around.

"Alex! Stop it- I told you- he's a womanizer."

"Yeah and you want to reform him." I laughed lightly and she narrowed her eyes, leaning back and glaring.

"You're avoiding the topic- Goren. What did you think?"

Hopping off her desk, I grinned. "That's for me to know and you never to find out. If that's all you wanted was to gossip about boys- you can call me later. I'm off to be work free for three days."

"Have fun." She called out as I walked away. "And I will call-"

"I know. Goodbye Lish." I laughed, and exited into the hall- heading towards the doors. Out by the steps, I was stopped by the guys- heading in from the locker room. After some good natured ribbing and Dick grumbling for me to get back soon, since he didn't want to work with the auxiliary, they headed into the squad. All except Conner, who waited until they left, his eyes watching me.

"Hey Alex?" His voice was almost mild and uncertain, and I glanced at my watch with a frown and back up at him.

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get dinner one night you're off?" His face was neutral, but I felt my stomach drop at the question. _Crap._ I wasn't good at this- the whole letting people down gently thing. I usually just dropped them, no concern needed.

"Joe.." I spoke with a sigh, not wanting to have to do this and hoping he'd get the hint and back off. He stood, waiting for me to finish, and my hope died on the cheap flooring. "Joe- please don't- don't do this.."

"Why not? Alex- come on, you're great- good looking and fun, you understand the job. What's not to like?" He had his hands shoved in his pockets and I closed my eyes for a moment , hoping when I opened them he wouldn't still be standing there, pouting like a little boy.

"Joe- listen, I'm- not really looking for casual right now. And frankly- casual is all you are." There. A perfectly plausible excuse, right?

"What if I wasn't looking for casual either?" He stared at me, moving a step closer. _Shit._ "Alex- I really like you- and maybe it's time for me to-"

"Don't." I cut him off, stepping back and giving myself some space. "Don't make me do this the hard way, please?"

"I am serious here. _Really_ serious. Tell me that makes a difference and you'd reconsider-" I frowned up at him, and stared as he tried to convince me. In another world- he might have been able to. He was a good looking guy- and charming in his own abrasive way. But that would be a world before Bobby- and now I was in the awkward position of telling him that.

"No, Joe." I cut him off quickly, deciding that ripping the band aid off was the best way to go about this. "It wouldn't work even if you were serious-"

"You don't know that-"

"Yes, I do!" I spat out forcefully, pushing myself backwards from him. "It just- it wouldn't work."

"Are you seeing someone? Because if so- I apologize." He seemed to be collecting himself, trying to feel out the appropriate response to the situation.

"I am." I responded softly, biting back a smile at the thought. I was seeing someone, and it felt odd- yet so good to say that. Sure technically it was just a first date- but Bobby had said himself last night- we wouldn't be casual- and we both knew it. "I'm sorry Joe. You're a nice guy- and if- if you are ready to settle down- maybe you're just looking in the wrong direction. Maybe you've already met the right girl- you just haven't really looked at her." It was a close as I could get to saying 'go look at Lish, you idiot'- without actually saying it. He nodded slightly, smiling.

"Yeah- sure. I'm really sorry- for pushing Alex. I hope-"

"It's not a problem Joe. We're friends right?" He nodded, and waved quickly before walking around me in a hurry. I frowned slightly, my mood dampened a bit, but the grin resurfaced as I walked toward the train station and my elation reappeared. I was going on a date – and I was happy. Even the thought of Joe, or my mother couldn't ruin this day for me.


	5. Looked Down One

A/N: This is where plans get me. I sit down saying something like 'alright muse- let's get the date and the family visit done this chapter'. My muse cackles evully and then proceeds to make me write over eleven pages. I should have broken it up- but I felt if I stepped out of Alex's regular work another chapter it would ruin my flow. I need my flow. Thanks for all the reviews- I'm glad you guys finally picked up that Joe was _Joe_ - I had mentioned his name before but no one caught it.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be. I'd cry about it- but I'm having to much fun playing.

* * *

I sat on the bench in the cold sunlight- waiting. I had arrived home to a message from Bobby- asking me to call him, which of course, after several deep breaths and a few rather girl like squeals I'd never tell anyone about, I had. He had suggested meeting here, in the park. I had no idea what we were doing- and he refused to say, but had at least told me to dress casual. So I had- in my faded jeans and a dark blue long sleeved light sweater- and my brown cord coat, I sat in the weak sunshine and watched kids at a nearby playground run around screaming at each other. The smile that couldn't seem to leave my face widened at the sight of them. It all reminded me of my brothers and sister growing up. We had been a handful to say the least.

"Hey." He sat beside me on the weathered bench and I smiled brightly at him.

"Hi. So are you gonna tell me what we're doing, or are you planning on blindfolding me too?" His arm had stretched out along the back of the bench and I could feel the warmth from it behind me. He looked out across the park for a moment, and he seemed oddly content. "You are going to blindfold me, aren't you?" His chuckle escaped, and finally he turned to face me.

"No blindfolds today, I promise." He held his hands up in a surrendering gesture and I waited patiently. Even this early I've learned that teasing Bobby is difficult- you needed to let him wander to his point on his own. "You know this is my bench?"

"Well, the guy that sleeps on it at nights may disagree." I quipped and he smiled, shaking his head.

"It's where I come to think."

"You come to think by a playground filled with screaming children?" I shifted slightly closer as I pulled my coat closer to me, wishing I had brought a scarf today.

"I like the kids- they're happy." He responded simply, turning his eyes to mine. I felt something tug inside me at the look in his eyes, but he smiled in the next moment and whatever was there disappeared. "So- I didn't want to take you to any of the usual places-"

"I suppose I'll take that as a compliment- otherwise we're off to a bad start." My voice was filled with suppressed laughter and he glanced at me trying to suppress his own smile.

"Anyway-" He spoke over me, his rich voice stressing the word. "I didn't want to do the usual dinner, dancing, movie, clubbing crap. I think you're different than that." I nodded as he spoke – privately agreeing, I wasn't much of a club girl anymore anyway and movies were never a good first date. You couldn't talk properly.

"Good plan – you're right. So where are we going?" I bounced a little as I asked- I was never good with surprises and I used to drive my parents nuts around Christmas. My brothers and I must have had a million plans to search and find the presents before Christmas day. He pointed behind me, and I glanced over my shoulder.

"66th Street?" His smile widened at my dubious question.

"Some cop you are- what's over there?" He laughed and I elbowed him in the ribs in retribution.

"Uh- more of the Park? Not many shops- street vendors? The zoo? What?" I paused at the way his eyes lit up, and backtracked my thoughts. "Wait- the zoo? You're taking me to the zoo?" His expression faltered and I instantly felt awful for saying it that way. _Stupid Alex. _

"Well- I thought-"

"No, it's fantastic! I haven't been there since I was a kid, and definitely not since the big renovation. I love the zoo- especially the peanuts. I used to feed them to the animals, even though you're not supposed to." I had jumped up by this point, and was pulling on his arm to get him to stand to, which he did slowly.

"You broke the law? I am shocked Alex." I laughed and put my arm through his while walking toward the street.

"Yeah well- prepare to get a lot of them today. I was a bad kid."

"And you're on the straight and narrow now?" He teased gently and I laughed.

"Maybe not so narrow- but definitely straight." As we walked, he looked down at me and smiled. He was even making an effort to shorten his strides – I could tell in the way he would mis step every few feet.

"So, what's on your agenda for your three whole days off?" I rolled my eyes and grinned.

"Well- today is you- tomorrow is my parents – I promised I'd spend the night – which is good because I desperately need laundry done, and Mom's and Dad's is so much freer than the local laundry mat. And Monday- well I dunno. Probably gonna get some Christmas shopping done, Lord help me. I have to start now though- otherwise I'll hit the after Thanksgiving rush- you know, mall's crowded, makes me want to pull out my gun type deal?" I laughed nervously because I seemed to be talking a lot, but he was a good listener- and it was easy to do. He pulled me to a stop by a coffee vendor, and rose a brow. I smiled and nodded in response, and he ordered two coffees before heading towards the entrance.

We by passed the children's section on our way in- with me stating that while kids were cute – kids in a petting zoo would try anyone's patience. So we strolled past the clock and I dragged him along toward my favorite feature. I leaned against the railing with my coffee as he studied the map the admissions lady had handed him. "I'm glad they kept the Sea Lion pool the center. It was my favorite when I was a kid." He leaned next to me, and I watched the sea lions lounging about on the large rocks in the center of the water.

"Well- everything's separated by climate now. Arctic, Tropical and Temperate. Which one first?" I glanced over and laughed.

"Memorized the map already, did we?" I took a sip of coffee and watched him from beneath my lashes.

"Photographic memory- sue me. So do you pick, or shall I?" I waved in surrender and he smiled widely. "I want to see the penguins. I've never seen one."

"Penguins? Haven't you even been to the Zoo? Or are you not a native New Yorker?" I asked in a curious tone, and he smiled.

"Yeah – I was raised here, but I just never went as a kid. It was just me and my Mom- and we didn't really have the time. Once I joined the Army- it seemed a bit ridiculous to go to a Zoo."

"Oh I see- so I'm just a convenient excuse to live out your life long dream of seeing the penguins." I spoke dryly and he laughed.

"Yup. It's all about flightless birds for me, so let's go live my dream huh?" Just then a sea lion popped up by the railing and I laughed out loud as he – or she, I wasn't really sure – raised himself on the edge, stretching towards us.

"Aww look- you hurt Tony's feelings with all the flightless bird talk." I laughed, leaning over the railing.

"Tony?"

"Sure- he looks like a Tony don't you think?"

"You know they have real names-"

"Yeah and I also know the plaque is on the other side and you couldn't tell which was which, so he's Tony." He shook his head with a smile, watching as I stretched a hand out even though we both knew Tony was too far away to touch. "He's cute. And insulted you like birds better."

"I'm sorry Tony." Bobby spoke to the sea lion seriously and I laughed, hopping down from the railing. Dropping my now empty coffee into the trash, I turned with a smile and let him lead me towards the appropriate area. On the way, his hand found mine and they laced together. I smiled – amazed at how something so small could make me aware of every single breath I took. I felt like a kid again, when holding hands was a huge thing and made your heart beat faster. On our walk, I tried to subtly pull information from him – but he was cagey.

"So how old are you?" I asked in my usual blunt manner. If I wanted to know something I usually just asked and his laugh was deep and rich.

"If it was me asking you-"

"I'd say 26. In July. I'm not old enough to have hang ups about my age."

"Are you saying I am?"

I shrugged and grinned up at him. "Hey- you're the one avoiding the question."

"33. And my birthday is in June. Happy?" He steered us along the path, his hand still warm in mine, heating me up far more than the coffee ever could.

"Uh oh. June what?"

"30th- why?" He sounded mildly curious and I laughed.

"Mine's July 5th – that makes us both Cancers which according to my mother- who reads her horoscope every freaking day- it's not a good thing. Same signs don't usually get along." I smiled as I spoke, already knowing he needed the visual confirmation that I was teasing again.

"Well- astrology is crap anyway- everyone knows that. I suppose you could consider it symbolic or a form of ancient art- but everyone knows it's not science."

"Yeah well- don't say that to my Mom if you ever meet her. She'd argue with you til the cows came home." We had entered the Arctic area at this point, only pausing briefly to look at the puffins, before moving toward the penguins. We stopped at the railing again, finding a spot despite the hordes of families that roamed around us.

"Emperor penguins. Birds that can swim- do you know how crazy that is?" He looked at me as he spoke and I watched the birds inside stand around, waddling back and forth.

"I'm sure you know why they swim and don't fly- but answer me this? How come they walk like that?"

"Have you seen their legs?" He asked incredulously. "They don't have any due to the fatty pouch. They use it to incubate eggs and chicks later. And they swim thanks to evolution- had to adapt to the Arctic." I watched the birds as he spoke, they all stood together in a large group.

"Why do they stand together like that?" He glanced over and watched for a moment before looking back to her.

"It's behavioral science. In the Arctic they stand together to conserve heat- they stay warmer in groups. Eventually what started as common sense just gets ingrained into the species, and they just do it despite it not being that cold here." I nodded as he spoke, I found that I liked listening to him talk- about anything really I just liked the sound of his voice.

"And they're monogamous, right?"

"Actually wrong. They're serially monogamous. Each year they select a mate- and are loyal to that mate but the next year they usually pick a different mate." He glanced down at my dry laugh, arching a brow in question.

"I know a lot of guys that are 'serially monogamous'." He grinned at my dry humor and I leaned closer to him, to hear him better over the crowd. "Ah well- at least they're shiny. I didn't expect them to be so shiny."

"It's the oil that waterproofs them. Look." He pointed to the left slightly, and I looked over, seeing that he was pointing out a baby penguin peeking out from beneath their mother.

"Aww- that's cute. And I totally just sounded like your typical airhead girl there." I laughed slightly and he laughed with me, his hand dropping to rest on the back of my neck and tracing lines beneath my hair. I shivered in a way that had nothing to do with the cold air circulating the area, and leaned closer to him.

"It is cute. Babies are usually born in June or July so he's only four months old at best?" I leaned back fully against him as his hand made it's way to the side of my neck, and my whole body seemed to hum underneath his hand. "Am I bothering you- with the lecturing I mean?" He had leaned down and his voice was a whisper by my ear. I shook my head in a negative gesture.

"I don't mind- I like to listen to you." He nodded and I felt his chin brush against my ear, the rough beard there tickling the delicate skin. After a moment, he took my hand again, and we headed to the next area of the zoo.

* * *

Several hours later, we were outside his building, and I was exhausted. As we rode in the elevator and I teased him about being able to afford an elevator, I leaned against the back panel. When the doors opened, and he lead me down the hall to his apartment, I thought about various ways to destroy the shoes I had on. I had worn heels, black boots – because clearly I needed the height advantage around him. I would clearly need to up my tolerance for pain since I would never be able to wear flats around him. Once he opened the door though, the thoughts flew out of my head as we walked in. His apartment was big- huge to me, since it had more than one room. It was very plain though, white walls, black leather furniture, glass tables. The only thing that was totally Bobby about the place was the shelves and shelves of books.

"Wow- this is great Bobby." I spoke as I sat down on his sofa and proceeded to take my boots off immediately. He noticed this, and pulled my feet onto his lap as he sat down.

"You should have worn-"

"Don't say it." I held up a hand to stop him, but my hand dropped and a slight moan escaped me as his hands began rubbing along the arch of my foot. "Nevermind- say whatever the hell you want." He grinned, pressing his thumb along the curve of my foot. As he did so, his eyes inspected my feet.

"Your toes are crooked." he stated, running his hands along the tops of my feet now. "You danced?"

I nodded, my eyes following his hands. "Mom thought ballet was a requirement. Both my sister and I were in it for years. My sister quit when she was eight or nine I think? I kept with it until I left high school. Once I joined the Academy though – there wasn't much point in continuing. I didn't have time- and my feet were horrible looking. It just wasn't worth it."

"Makes sense- I mean you move gracefully- especially for someone your size." His eyes met mine and he tucked my feet next to him.

"And do you have any hidden talents I should know about, Bobby?" I teased gently, looking around me as I spoke. "Besides being a librarian in another life, I mean."

"I like to read. I have a hard time sleeping sometimes- books calm me. And other than that- no. No hidden talents here."

"I somehow seriously doubt that." I answered dryly. He shrugged slightly, getting up and walking towards what I assumed was his kitchen. I stood too- but took a moment to examine the titles on his shelf first. There was everything from medical texts to classic fiction. Several books were in different languages, and I smiled as I followed him into his kitchen, which was large enough to have a table inside it- no small feat in a New York apartment. "Liar." I sat at one of the chairs and he turned from the stove where he was doing something with a pan. "I already know you must speak different languages- I saw your books." He shrugged with a smile and turned back to what he was doing.

"I .. picked up a few things in the Army. I was stationed in Germany for quite a while. I pick things up quickly, I guess." His tone was modest and slightly embarrassed and I snorted under my breath.

"You guess, huh? So how many languages do you speak, exactly?" He placed a glass of water in front of me, and I ran my fingers along the rim, watching as he walked back to the counter, cutting vegetables.

"A- a few." His tone was clearly not comfortable, so I dropped the subject for the moment, not wanting to upset him. I had been having a fantastic time all day- surprisingly enough and I didn't want to press it now.

"All right- you keep your secrets Bobby. When did you learn to cook?" I watched as he prepared the food, amazed at how easy he made it look. When I tried to do anything like cooking, it usually turned out very badly.

"After the Army- I had to live on my own, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm a big guy. I eat a lot. So I got some books, and worked through trial and error." I laughed lightly at his statement and watched him closely.

"Oh I've noticed." I spoke dryly before taking a sip of water. He turned and looked at me with a smile and I winked which caused him to laugh. "I can't believe you taught yourself though. You're beginning to make me feel inadequate over here." He shook his head, tossing something in a pan, and crossing over to me, dragging the other chair out beside mine. Sitting, he took my hands in his and smiled.

"Don't- you're fine just the way you are. I like your sense of humor, and the way you talk a lot."

"Oh thanks so much." I laughed as I spoke, and he leaned forward, capturing my mouth with his own. All thought left me as I wrapped my arms around his neck, and let the heat that had been teasing me all day take over my body. I pressed myself against him, feeling his heartbeat echo mine as I opened my mouth under his. His arms slid up from my waist to bury themselves in my hair, and I moaned slightly at the feel of them. One of my hands had found it's way into his hair, brushing against the dark silkiness of it. When his mouth left mine, I felt a moment of loss, but he didn't remove his hands, and kept me pressed against him, adjusting me so that I was actually sitting more on him than my chair.

"Your welcome." he spoke with a small smile. "I like you, Alex." His eyes met mine and I felt my heart skip slightly at the expression in them. His hands ran through my hair lightly, pulling it behind me and down. His mouth found my neck and I was shocked I could still be in a solid form at the feeling his lips against the skin there elicited. I gasped , a strangled half breath that seemed to catch in my throat, and I squirmed in his lap slightly. His hands released my hair, coming down to grip my hips roughly, stopping their progress and his breathing was heavy. "Alex.."

"Sorry." I whispered, not really sorry at all as I felt him pressing into me.

"Sure you are." This time his voice was the dry one, and I ran a hand along the side of his face where it leaned into my neck, his breath hot against my already heated skin. "Okay-" he breathed out regretfully, his hands lingering at my waist, tracing circular patterns there. "Dinner will burn if I don't get up right now. " I smiled and shifted so that he could move, getting up stiffly and walking over to the counter with his back to me, which made me laugh out loud, earning a glare from him. Part of me was grateful he was able to stop- I wanted to take this slow- and do it right for once. It was important to me this time. Of course the other part of me longed to say screw dinner- literally. I sighed softly, watching him move again and taking a large drink of my water. It was going to be a difficult evening.

* * *

The sunlight was bright as I trudged my way out of the train station with my three bags of laundry. I bit back a curse for forgetting my sun glasses, even in early November, the sun was blinding at times. "Lexi!" I heard my father's voice call, and I turned to the sound. He was walking toward me, and I dropped my bags, reaching up and giving him a brief hug.

"Hey Daddy. How are you?" He leaned down, picking up two of the three bags and shaking his head. I picked up the remaining one and followed him to our car.

"Fine. And apparently you still don't do laundry- lucky you have ten million clothes then, eh?" His brogue made the teasing tone more apparent, and I rolled my eyes.

"It's the drawback of getting me overnight. You get my clothes too. Oh well." I grinned and threw the bag in the trunk as he snorted slightly. Once we were in the car, I turned to him. "So what's the plan for the day?" It was Sunday morning, and I had to get up at five to catch an early train, but I knew my Mom would kill me if I came on Sunday and wasn't there for church.

"Well, service is at ten of course- and then dinner. Your mother is making ham today. Sean and Mindy and Tommy will be by. Caleb too- but Seamus is working, much to your mother's dismay. And of course, Liz is at home, where she ought to be. She's been a bit moody lately though- see if you can talk to her, eh?" I nodded in response, watching suburbia roll by outside my window. We had always lived in the city when I was a kid- my Dad had been a beat cop until he was injured. He managed to get a reassignment to a suburb station though- and my Mom was finally able to have her dream – a house with a fence and more than a strip of a yard.

When we pulled in, my Mom ran out, hugging me fiercely as I sighed. "Mom- you saw me three weeks ago. It hasn't been three years." I spoke dryly as I dropped my things in the laundry room off the kitchen and she followed me, making scolding noises.

"Alexandra Eames, your mother is allowed to hug you whenever she wants." I nodded tiredly, glancing around the large kitchen with a smile. "Now go get changed for church- I hope you brought something decent- and wake your sister while you're at it. I swear she would sleep her life away if we allowed her to."

"She's a teenager Mom," I smiled as I crossed the tiled floor quickly. "It's what they do. I'll get her." I exited the kitchen, smiling at my Dad who was currently seated in his arm chair, doing the Sunday crossword. Taking the stairs two at a time, I burst into the room my sister and I had shared for years without knocking. "Good morning sunshine!" I spoke loudly, pulling the shade up and letting sunlight stream into the room, which earned me a moan and a grunt from Liz's bed.

"What was that?" I spoke loudly again, jumping onto the bed next to her with a grin. "I didn't quite catch that."

"I hate you." Liz spoke more clearly this time and I laughed.

"Aww- Liz. I love you too. Come on. Up. Church time." I sing songed and Liz rolled her eyes at me in typical Eames fashion. I tugged the covers down, before she could throw them over her head. "Come on, aren't you happy to see your big sister?" She smiled reluctantly, still glaring at me.

"Fine. Fine, I'm up. Get off me so I can get dressed."

"Well- you're so chipper, I think I'll bring you up some coffee. See how much I love you?" Liz shoved me off the bed and I hit the floor with muffled laughter. She exited the bed herself, turning and sticking her tongue out at me before she left the room, a favor I returned. "Brat!" I hollered at the door as it shut. I lay on the floor for a moment before heaving a sigh and rolling over. Time to get up.

* * *

Several hours later I was standing at the stove, arguing with my mother. Nothing unusual about that, but the topic we were arguing over was. "Mom- I just said maybe it's time for me to learn! That doesn't mean I'm keeping anything from you, or that I'm never coming home again. In fact- if you look at it logically it would mean I would be home more- to learn."

"Lexi you hate cooking. You hate the thought of cooking, and I'm pretty sure you could burn water if you tried-"

"She already did, remember?" Sean butted in from his position at the table, coloring with his son in his lap.

"Oh yeah-" Caleb snorted from across the table where he was grinning. "When she burnt the old aluminum kettle to the stove- Lord it smelled so bad-"

"Shut up, both of you." I snapped. I turned back to my Mom with a sigh. "Which is why I should learn. It was just a thought- I may want to actually feed myself one day. Hell one day- I may be responsible for feeding others-"

"That's a scary thought." Caleb muttered, earning a glare from both me and Mom.

"I mean it doesn't look that hard and-"

"Who is he?" My mother had crossed her arms, and was now glaring at me with narrowed green eyes. For someone so tiny- my Mom could be mighty intimidating- I had seen my brothers quake in fear in front of her more times than I could count.

"Who is who?" I asked, echoed closely by Sean who had now turned towards us, not paying attention to Tommy who was coloring off the page. Looking down, he jumped up, prying the crayons from his son's hand gently and handing Tommy over to Caleb who laughed.

"The boy, Lexi. Who is the boy?" My mother waved her wooden spoon at me as she spoke, and I cursed inwardly.

"What boy? There is no boy." My mother didn't say anything, just glared her glare at me, and I frowned back. "No boy Mom. Seriously." Which was true- technically. Bobby hardly counted as a boy.

"You're lying Alexandra." The spoon jabbed in my direction and she glared more, stirring the pineapple glaze in front of her. "But that's fine- if you don't want to tell me, I understand. But if the boy is still around at Christmas, I expect to see him, am I clear?" I sighed, glancing over at Caleb who was miming Mom's expression from behind her. I glared at him, which only caused his silent laughter to increase.

"Fine Mom." I answered tiredly, causing her to smile. She shooed me out of the kitchen, along with Caleb and we headed to the large backyard, grabbing our coats off of the hooks by the side door. Caleb swiftly wrestled Tommy into his, and set him loose once we reached outside. Slinging an arm over my shoulders, he grinned.

"Come on sis, could be worse. She could have said Thanksgiving." He laughed at my expression, and I muttered obscenities at him while he laughed harder. "Is that any way to talk to your favorite brother?"

"Who said you were my favorite?" I crossed my arms, keeping one eye on Tommy as he ran across the grass to the large swing set my parents had put in for him. The yard was fenced , so I knew he wouldn't go far.

"Timeline. I was closest to you in age- so I was forced to tolerate you." I smacked his arm roughly.

"Listen buddy- I am older than you and don't forget it. _I_ had to put up with _you_, not the other way around." He shrugged, walking backwards towards the swings.

"Whatever- I'm going to go play now." I shook my head as he turned and ran towards the swings, scooping Tommy up and whirling him in the air as he shrieked with laughter. I turned towards the deck, spotting Liz sitting in the sun, and joined her.

"I hate boys."

"No you don't." She replied with a smile. "They're all idiots, but they're our idiots so we love them. So-" She turned to me with a gleam in her eye. "Who's the guy?"

"What?"

"Hey- the kitchen window was open and I happened to be over there. You can lie to Mom- you can keep it from the guys- but me? No way in hell. So don't make me ask again. Who's the guy?" Her eyes sparkled as she spoke, and I glared at her. She was like a larger image of me, same blonde hair, same crooked smile- but she had gotten our mother's green eyes instead of Dad's brown. And she had gotten Dad's height, which made her about ten times prettier than me.

"Just a guy," I muttered and she laughed out loud.

"Oh please. I've seen you after dates Lex- and I know you. You have been disgustingly happy today- it almost makes me want to avoid you. So spill. I won't tell- you know that."

"Fine." I huffed, crossing my arms across my chest and staring across the yard. "He's a cop- with Narcotics-"

"Oh, does Sean know him?" She asked, sitting up and glancing across the plastic table at me.

"I don't know- probably." I frowned, wondering if that would be an issue come Christmas- I'd have to ask Sean first.

"So what's his name? What's he like? How long have you been seeing him?" Liz fired the questions at me quickly in rapid succession.

"Jesus- are you sure you don't want to be a lawyer Liz?" I joked lightly and she glared.

"Yes I am _not_ going into Law enforcement than you very much. I want to teach kids- you know I love them, now stop avoiding the question." She leveled her own glare at me and I rolled my eyes, throwing my hands up and smiling.

"Fine! His name is Bobby Goren, and he's sweet. Not like the guys I usually date-"

"Well that's great. Already it means he's not a huge ass." She spoke in a flippant tone and I glared. "What? You date losers Lex- admit it. It's the first step."

"I hate you." I spoke swiftly and she nodded grinning. "Whatever- anyway he's not an ass. He's polite and smart and kind and really funny. And great. And I've only been on one date with him-"

"No wonder you look so nauseatingly happy. Was it last night?" I nodded and she glanced out across the yard. "What did you do?"

"We went to the zoo, and he made me dinner." Liz's laugh earned a scowl from me.

"The zoo? Seriously? Well- it's better than a movie I guess. What's he look like?" She was leaning across the table now and I smiled at her affectionately.

"Tall- really tall. Six three or four maybe. Dark hair, dark eyes. He's not really good looking- in that pretty way you know- but he's got nice eyes, and a great smile." Liz smiled next to me and nodded.

"Lord- sounds nice. Good- I can be the first to meet him when I stay with you next weekend." I turned in surprise and she avoided my eyes.

"What? Liz- first off I can't guarantee I have next weekend off- but isn't that Homecoming for you? You're Queen- or you will be, and David's taking you.."

"David's not taking me anywhere." She bit out bitterly. I got up, moving into the chair next to hers, and taking her hands in mine. "He broke up with me- last week. I wasn't ready to sleep with him and I guess he wasn't willing to wait. He's taking that slut Jenny Fitzgerald to the dance. And I don't really feel like being there. So instead, I'm going to come visit my favorite sister, who will loose sleep and shop with me, and when I get back- I'll be over it."

"Are you ok?" I asked softly and she laughed.

"Eames don't cry Lex- we get even. I'll be fine."

"He was a jerk anyway." I reassured her, and she nodded.

"Totally. Not worth my time." She repeated after me as if reading from script. I hugged her fiercely, pulling back and smiling.

"You're a smart girl Liz. Smarter than I was anyway- and you'll find someone better. And you're right- even if I am working next weekend, it'll be nights. So we can spend the days together at the very least."

"Yeah- and I can teach you to cook- if you want. Wait. You _do_ have a fire extinguisher, right?" I laughed, nodding and she laughed with me. The moment was only broken by Mom calling us all into the house. We walked in together, my arm wrapped around her, and planning the visit.


	6. Far As I Could

A/N: Seriously this story is like a monster for me- I can't stop writing it. And while are you are thankful for that, I'm sure- my kids aren't so much, lol. Happy Thanksgiving to all of the Americans- hope you're enjoying your day. My plans include a whole lot of nothing cause it's merely Thursday here- maybe I'll do another fanvid, Lord help me.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Wish they were, but I am thankful to Dick Wolf, NBC for giving them to us.

* * *

The night was cold, and even the beaten leather coat I had on couldn't keep the chill from invading my body. Which probably had more to do with my absolute lack of clothing than the jacket's abilities, but I blamed the coat none the less, as Dick's voice crackled in my ear piece.

"What Heidi – you think they'd let you wear a parka? You're lucky you had a coat that looked believable." I sighed in disgust, leaning against the brick wall and glancing down at the other girls huddled there in a group. They were sharing cigarettes- and the scene reminded me of the penguins from the zoo, which caused a smile to cross my face for a brief moment. Then a gust of bitterly cold wind blew by and the smile dropped away. I rolled my neck, resisting the urge to ask Dick the time – again. It had only been five minutes since the last time I asked, and in the three hours I had been traversing this street, I had only gotten one tag. I buried my chin to my chest, pulling the coat against me more securely.

"I want to go home." I muttered into the mic hidden there. "It's fucking freezing out here-"

"Such language from our Heidi, Dick." Deates' voice echoed in my ear. "I mean really, listening to her now, would you believe she's just a good Catholic girl?"

"Catholic girls are never good." Dick's voice answered in amusement. "All that repression is what gets em I think."

"Oh shut the hell up." A few girls look my way in curiosity- so I stare off into space, using what Dick calls the crazy stare. Better they think I just talk to myself than make me. I wandered further down the street, away from them, wrinkling my nose at the strong smell of urine emanating from the ally behind me. Some nights I hate this job. I hopped from foot to foot trying to get some body heat going, but all it succeeded in doing is making me realize I can no longer feel my feet. _Great._ The week has seemed to drag really – I had spent the first half of it clearing up paperwork from the under age drinking busts Dick and the Auxiliary had cleared over the weekend. Because really, it wasn't like the Aux would do her own paperwork- she was only 19 for Christ's sake, and a volunteer at that. A few gambling busts had spiced Wednesday up, but Thursday rolled around and it was time for our usual sting. Dick and I liked Thursdays- they were usually busy nights. Payday and all that- but the cold was keeping the boys in tonight, I guessed.

I decided to stroll up and down the street- at the very least it would keep me warm, or warmer at any rate. I forced my numb legs to move, trying to put a roll into my hips as I walked. Liz had called today- letting me know she would be here tomorrow morning. I had told her to meet me at the station- since I knew we would be busy – but apparently I was wrong about that, and now had a long night alone in the station to look forward to. In fact, over all – I had been having a crappy week. Between dealing with Lish's incessant questions, and Joe's attitude- he still wasn't happy about me saying no- it had been wearing. The only bright spot was that Bobby had called me several times – and had even come over yesterday afternoon. We'd watched movies and I had relaxed for the first time all week. It was difficult though- we both worked nights with no steady schedule of nights off. So our time was limited to very early morning or late afternoon.

"Alex!" Dick's voice was sharp in my ear, and I started. The mere fact that he called me Alex meant that he had tried Heidi and Eames several times. "Daydreaming again, hmm?" His voice teased. He had been on me all week for lack of attention. "Mike just called, she's hauling us back in. One bust in three hours does not a good night make."

"Oh thank God." I muttered, turning on my heel and striding down the street. I walked swiftly- but not too fast. It was all I could do not to break out into a run, knowing that the detail van was around the corner and down the street- and that meant _heat_. Lovely warmth. Once I rounded the corner and was out of sight of the regular girls, I did jog slightly, reaching the van and hopping in quickly. Deates handed me a blanket he kept in the back, and I thanked him.

"I got you coffee too- what's that get me?" He teased while waggling his bushy red eyebrows.

"My eternal gratitude?" I spoke quickly, taking the cup from him and holding it in my hands, allowing the heat to seep into my numb fingers.

"I could be saving you from frostbite and that's _all_ I get? Ingrate." I grinned at him, and arched a brow as Dick pulled away from the curb.

"Well what do you expect Deates? I only _dress_ like I hand out sexual favors."

"Yeah- plus your boyfriend would kill me."

"He would not-" I broke off at his shit eating grin as he slapped Dick's shoulder.

"Ha! I told you she's got a guy! I want my twenty bucks man." Dick grumbled from the front seat, and I glared at the two of them.

"That was unfair- and what the hell do you care? It's not like I'm not allowed-"

"Of course you're allowed Heidi girl." Dick's voice emitted from the front, and I glared at the back of his head while he chuckled. "See- I said you turned down Joe cause he's a dick and you lied about the guy. Deates here though- said that you wouldn't lie- you would have just said no even if you weren't seeing someone. And apparently he gets the title of knowing you better. I really thought you were just blowing Joe off. Not that he doesn't deserve it if you were."

"I wouldn't have lied to get out of a date. And I can't believe he told you all about it, anyway. Shit. Does Lish know?" I finally felt defrosted enough to risk a sip of the coffee, which didn't have nearly enough sugar, but I shrugged. It was hot, and right now, I'd probably take hot water if it was handed to me.

"Nope." Deates shook his head quickly. "Strictly drunken rambling on guys night out." He held up his hands in defense. "We wouldn't have let him if she was around." I nodded, noticing that Dick was pulling into the station lot. "So- do we know him? Or is he a civvie?" I rolled my eyes, not answering and stepping out of the van.

"None of your business Deates." Dick opened the door for me with a laugh at Deate's expense, and I entered the warm building gratefully.

"I'll find out you know- I am a cop." Deates spoke in a hushed tone as we stood by the stairs.

"Prove it." I whispered back with a smile. "And just for betting on me- which is illegal, by the way – you both can do paperwork while I go grab a shower." They groaned, muttering about hardass women, as I took the stairs two at a time, eager to be back in my own clothes and warm.

* * *

A half hour later, I was seated at my desk, blinking at yet another multicolored paperwork form, when Lish came to sit beside me. "Jesus it's cold out tonight. You guys get any bites?"

"One. And I froze my ass off." I muttered, rubbing a hand across my face and glaring at the form like it was responsible.

"We caught a few- but I almost wish we hadn't. At least you got to come in early." She grinned at me and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Yeah- and now I get to finish up my paperwork for the freaking week- and wait for my sister. I wonder if I'll be able to grab a few hours sleep.." I glanced at the clock which read three am, and transferred my gaze back to the small pile of paper in front of me.

"You're crazy- I am going home to my cat and a warm bath and my copy of Lethal Weapon 2 on tape. Mmm.. me and Mel baby- that's my big plans." She laughed as she spoke, and I grinned back.

"Beats my paperwork and a nap on my desk."

"That it does. Have a good night Alex. I'll see you tomorrow night." She stood with a wave and I watched her exit with envy. Just then Deates leaned over my desk with a whisper.

"Dick is goin' home. Mike too- she said just throw the paperwork on her desk when you're done. Jeffs is gone too, but Joe is hanging around." I fought to hide my grimace, but Deates grin told me he caught it. Pulling a chair over next to mine, he took a form from me and smiled. "So I'm gonna make it up to ya for betting- illegally, wouldn't want you to arrest my ass. I'm gonna help you out here- until your sister shows, or Joe leaves. Whichever." He shrugged and I leaned over hugging him.

"Anyone ever tell you despite being a porn freak, you're awesome?" I chuckled, sliding more sheets his way as he groaned.

"Art. It's _art_ Eames."

It was nearing four am, and Joe was still wandering around the building aimlessly, making me want to staple him down or shoot him- or both. Deates was valiantly waiting it out- but we had finished paperwork a half hour ago and had moved onto playing Go Fish with the pack of cards he had hidden in his desk. He had teasingly suggested playing for money, which I had laughed over.

"So how long do you think it'll take him to get over this? Why is he even hanging around here?" I muttered, swiping Deates' jacks as he frowned.

"Til he sees the guy Eames. I don't know- maybe he thinks you lied and he's pissed. You almost never get personal calls at work- nothing really shows you're seeing anyone." I rolled my eyes at this, annoyed. "Eights?" I shook my head, glancing down at my cards.

"Go fish." He picked cards up and I glared around me. "I don't get calls because we work the same shift. And I shouldn't have to prove anything to him anyway. It's not like I stomped all over his sensitive heart. Jesus." Deates nodded with a smile, then shrugged.

"Dunno what to tell you girl. It's awkward and who knows-" He broke off, seeing someone come through the doors, and I tensed, praying it wasn't Joe. "Goren- man, what are you doing here? Not back to borrow my girl are ya? Cause it's Lish's turn and if Dick has to work Aux again, he'll be pissed." I turned with a smile, seeing Bobby walk into the station with a serious expression. My smile slid away and I frowned slightly as he walked behind me, placing a hand on the back of my neck and remaining there for a silent moment.

"No- just dropping by-"

"Oh my lord, it's _Goren?_" Deates grinned, jumping up swiftly. "Heh- see. Proved I'm a cop Eames!" I laughed slightly as Bobby stepped away, leaning against the desk.

"Yeah- what a detective." I spoke dryly, and Deates glared at me. "On the bright side though- you can leave now."

"You're just saying that cause I was winning." He spoke in a teasing tone, walking over this his desk and replacing the cards.

"As if. I was winning." Deates grinned and pointed at me, walking backwards toward the doors.

"Rematch- next gambling sting. Good to see ya Goren." He exited swiftly, probably thankful to escape and I turned to Bobby with a small smile.

"He was keeping me company. What are you doing here?" I asked softly, and he took the chair Deates had vacated. He shook his head slightly, not speaking for a moment.

"Heard you guys were done early. I tried you at home, figured this would be the next place I found you. You want a ride home?" I frowned and shook my head. He wasn't telling me everything, and he seemed slightly on edge.

"I can't leave yet. Liz is coming up for the weekend, and I thought we'd be busy. She's meeting me here." He nodded as I spoke, listening intently.

"She's the youngest- right? How's she getting here?"

"Train. She should be arriving on the 6:30." I turned to my desk as I spoke, clearing away the clutter on top of it. It didn't really need it- but I needed something to occupy my thoughts and hands. His hands came to the back of my neck again, and I turned my head towards him as it slid along my jaw, stroking the skin softly before settling at the side of my neck. I moved closer, looking at him with worried eyes.

"Bobby- is everything all right?" He smiled at my question, pulling me closer to him.

"It is now. Uh- how about we get breakfast- or whatever. I can drive you to the train station to pick Liz up. Then you won't have to get the train to your place." I smiled, nodding and he pulled me closer still. He still had that edgy look about him, and I knew something was wrong, but I didn't press for details. It was probably a case. I wrapped my arms around him, giving him a brief hug. When I went to pull away however, his arms pinned me there, keeping me close to him. I remained still, knowing he just needed time. Laying my head against his shoulder, I waited. Eventually he pulled away, pressing a light kiss to my hair before taking my hand and pulling me up with him. I grabbed my coat from the back of my chair, and my purse from the drawer I threw it in yesterday evening. Hand in hand we left the station.

* * *

He was quiet in the car- so when I suggested we grab something and head to his place, he didn't argue. He remained unsettled while we ate- and when we settled onto the couch after something in him was still slightly off. I didn't know what to do to help- so I did the only thing I could. I sat close to him, wrapping my arms around him and holding him. He made a half hearted attempt to suggest a movie but I shook my head. It was just past five now, and we only had an hour before we needed to get Liz. The darkness that seemed to hang around his large frame disturbed me, but not as much as the fact that he wouldn't talk about it. I didn't push him though- I knew better than most that sometimes there are things you can't discuss. Especially in our line of work. So I simply laid down with him on the sofa, his feet hanging over the arm, and me curled into his body like a small cat.

My arm rested across his waist, curling around the other side and pulling him as close to me as I could. His wrapped his arms around me, once again kissing the top of my head and sighing softly. I opened my eyes, and watched the movement of his chest as he breathed evenly. I pulled my arm back, setting my watch alarm, knowing that I would fall asleep and hoping he would. I tucked my arm back when I was done, and a warm hush seemed to fall over the room. His hand ran along my hair, stroking it rhythmically and I snuggled in deeper, burying my face in his neck.

I woke ten minutes before my alarm was due to go off, and I shifted slightly, glancing up. I frowned- not wanting to leave, not wanting to move, and definitely not wanting to wake him. It was the first time I had seen him sleep- and he looked like a little boy- albeit a giant one. The nap had done wonders for me, although I credited the company more than the nap. Shifting up onto my elbow, I stared down at him. The tension had seeped out of his body and face during sleep and he looked peaceful. Smiling softly I placed a hand on the side of his face gently. His eyes opened immediately, and his body tensed up before he blinked. Seeing that it was me with him, he smiled and the stiffness drained out of him. "Hey."

"Hey yourself." I smiled, not wanting to remind him of his earlier mood- so instead, I leaned down and kissed his bearded cheek gently. His hand came up to rest on my back, a source of warmth that spread across my skin. "Time to get ready and go. Regretting the offer yet?" I asked with a chuckle and he shook his head seriously.

"Not even a bit. Thank you Alex." I paused in my attempt to get up- an attempt he was easily foiling by keeping his hand on my lower back.

"For what?"

"Just- being here. That's all." My eyes met his and I could see a lightness enter his again, so I just smiled and nodded.

"Where else would I be?" His hand reached up, smoothing my hair down and pulling my face closer to his. Kissing me softly, he released me, and we stood reluctantly. Pulling my boots on with a groan, I thrust my arms into my coat. "You may not regret your offer- but I sure as hell am regretting mine. What on earth was I thinking, telling Liz to take the early train?" I muttered pulling my coat shut with a frown. He walked behind me, sliding his hands under my hair and pulling it out from my collar.

"You were thinking you'd be at work. Thursdays are usually big. So what's Liz like?" His tone was mildly curious as we exited the apartment and I laughed lightly.

"Well- if you think I talk a lot, you haven't seen anything. She's a good kid though- seventeen. She's going to NYU next year- once she's in the city I'll never get rid of her."

"You two are close?" He glanced at me as we slid into the car, tilting his head slightly. I smiled gently, my mind wandering back to our growing up years.

"Yeah- it's weird really. I was nine when she was born, and we all hated her trailing around after us. Even Caleb was five then, so a baby sister was the last thing we wanted. Plus my parents made us share a room- which made me more pissed. It was my room before she came along." I laughed and then shrugged quickly. "Somewhere along the way though- I got used to it I guess. I liked that she came to me first- before Sean or Seamus or Caleb- even before Mom."

"She looked up to you." He stated simply, manuvering into traffic. I glanced over with a nod, before frowning.

"Uh, Bobby?" He glanced over in question and I laughed. "Where are we gonna put her? Your car is a two seater."

"We're gonna stop by my friend Lewis' and I'm gonna borrow one of his cars. He won't mind." I arched a brow at him and he chuckled. "Really- I've known Lewis forever. He'll be fine with it." Soon enough we had pulled up to small garage with no lights on. Bobby got out of the car quickly, muttering that he'd be a minute, before he sprinted up the wooden steps on the side of the building. He knocked on a door on the top floor, and carried out a conversation, smiling and laughing a few times. It wasn't light enough for me to make out the person he was talking to, but a few moments later, he was opening my door. "We're gonna have to take Lewis' car." He lead me over to a small volvo and I grinned.

"So your friend, the antique car freak, drives a volvo?"

"Yeah- well Lewis says cars are like women. He only gets to look at the pretty ones-"

"And gets to drive the volvos?" I ask with a smile, getting into the cold car. "Ouch- tell him to never say that to his dates, huh?"

"Will do." Bobby laughed, and I was pleased to see that he seemed in a much better mood. When we pulled into the train station parking lot, we had about three minutes before the train arrived, and ran into the building, laughing. By the time we hit the platform, the train was just pulling in. When Liz stepped off she was grinning like an idiot, and ran over, hugging me fiercely.

"Damn he's cute." She whispered quickly before releasing me and smiling over at Bobby. "You must be Bobby- I'm Liz." He shook her hand, frowning slightly in surprise that he needed no introduction, and I looked down, inwardly cursing Liz.

"Hi Liz- nice to meet you." He smiled at her, before taking her bag and walking with us to the exit.

"Oh shoot- did I just give the wrong impression?" Liz laughed lightly, glancing over at me with sharp eyes. I stuck my tongue out at her and she did the same, giggling. "Lex wasn't talking about you- I mean, just to me. I mean not that she doesn't want to but our Mom- and- never mind." Bobby just laughed, putting her bag in the trunk and opening the door for her. Once we all were inside, he turned the key, looking over at me.

"You weren't lying about the talking thing." He laughed with a smile, and I nodded, sinking into my seat with embarrassment. Liz however, paid no attention, sitting forward and hanging in between our seats.

"So how was work Lex? Are you tired? Cause I really wanted to try to get out today- if you don't mind. If you need a nap though I'll understand- but I'm eager. The winter dresses are out and Daddy gave me money for my prom dress- the cooler colors look so much better on me, and I want to get started-" She hardly breathed and I frowned back at her, worried that she was putting up a front since the break up. "Don't look at me like that Lex. I don't care."

"Alright. Whatever you say. Work was boring as hell last night- the only exciting thing that happened to me was I almost caught pneumonia standing outside for three hours in next to nothing. I got to have a little nap-" I felt his eyes slide over to me as I spoke and I blushed slightly, trying to ignore him and the smile that was threatening to burst out of me. "So I'm good to go."

"So Bobby- will you be joining us at all, or do you have to work today?" Bobby looked both terrified and warmed by Liz's question and I laughed, enjoying his discomfort.

"Uh- no. Shopping for prom dresses isn't really me- and I do have to work later." Liz looked disappointed and I glared at her. "But-" Bobby's voice broke in and we looked over at him simultaneously."I can make time to take you both to lunch tomorrow- if you want-"

"Bobby you don't have to do that." I spoke just as Liz proclaimed an excited yes. His eyes met mine and he smiled.

"I know- I want to." He slid in front of the curb in front of my place, and we stepped out of the car. He insisted on carrying her stuff up, and when we got to my place Liz laughed, walking over to the bed and bouncing like a kid.

"Looks like I'm forced to sleep with you again Lex." She grinned evilly and I smiled back.

"Nope- you can sleep while I'm at work. No kicking for you brat." She rolled her eyes, before excusing herself to the washroom. I shouted that I was walking Bobby downstairs and she shouted something back that was thankfully muffled.

"So- I guess Lewis will be upgrading for a few days then?" I question and he looked confused for a moment before understanding set in.

"Yeah- thanks for reminding me, I'll have to let him know." He took my hand in his as we stood in the foyer, and he pulled me closer. "The lunch thing- if you really are bothered by it-"

"I'm not bothered by it Bobby. It's just I'm worried about you. My sister is a lot to take when you're forced to love her by blood- I shudder to think what she's like for strangers." His hand came up, trailing across my face, and cupping the side of my head gently.

"I- I don't mind. She looks an awful lot like you." He observed and I smiled.

"Yeah- a taller me anyway. Are you sure?"

"Yes- I'll see you tomorrow, all right? Have fun- dress shopping." He laughed and I smacked his arm lightly as he pulled me close and kissed me softly. "I'll call you, hmm?" I nodded dumbly, watching him exit quickly and fold himself back into Lewis' tiny car. He waved once before pulling away, and I sighed softly, before turning to head back upstairs to my sister, and the inquisition I was sure would be waiting.


	7. To Where It Bent

A/N: Well praise the lord, I swear I tried to upload this a thousand times yesterday, sigh. Ah well, now I'm a chapter ahead, which is nice. Enjoy- and once again thanks for all the reviews, keep em coming!

Disclaimer: not mine. Never will be.

* * *

"So how was the visit Heidi?" Deates was grinning at me several days later as I lay my head on my desk and groaned in response. "That great huh?" He pulled his chair up next to my desk and I turned my head towards him with a glare. He shrugged in response, and eyed me cautiously. "What?" Grabbing candy from the bowl of skittles I kept in my top drawer, he tossed them in his mouth grinning. "So- did she meet the man?" he chuckled as he spoke and I kicked him hard under the desk.

"Who met what man? Wait- don't tell me you know who the guy is?" Dick exclaimed as he walked up to my desk, dropping a file on top of my head. I sat up with a huff, opening it and ignoring their conversation. It was a series of reports on an illegal gambling house down in Harlem, and I studied the papers with feigned interest.

"Of course I know. He dropped by on Thursday to see Heidi here. You'll never guess." Deates' voice was smug- and I hated to think what his face looked like if he sounded _that_ smug.

"Wait- you know who Alex is seeing?" Lish had leaned over now, and Conner who was by her desk, turned his eyes sharply toward us. I rolled my eyes as Deates nodded. Lish got up and stood over him, her arms crossed. "Well?! Are you going to share?"

"I- well I don't- if Eames wants to keep it-" Deates stammered suddenly and I turned to him in surprise. He was watching me carefully, shaking his head as the people around him stared at him hard.

"I don't care Deates- I'm not hiding anything per say. Go ahead." I waved a hand at him and he grinned, relaxing. I smiled back, it had been sweet of him to offer to keep the secret, even if there was never a secret to keep.

"Heh- Goren. It's fucking Goren from Narcotics." He leaned back with a grin, his hand snaking out and stealing a few more of my skittles. I glared, smacking his arm as he withdrew it.

"Are you kidding me?" Lish's voice exclaimed turning to glare at me. "You didn't say a word." I shrugged, grabbing some candy for myself.

"I didn't not say anything- I just didn't talk about it. I would have- it's early yet." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Joe withdrawing, and settling back against Lish's desk, returning his attention to the file in his hand. "And it's nothing we need to discuss. Besides which- we have a stake out to do, right boys? And I believe you owe me a rematch." I looked at Deates as I spoke, and he grinned.

"Sure, I'll bring the cards and you bring the candy." He pushed back, rolling across to his desk and Dick stood there with a frown.

"And what the fuck am I doing?" He muttered as I smiled sweetly up at him.

"All the work?" He glared for a moment, before shaking his head and walking towards the desk to sign out the gear we'd need with Deates' laughter echoing him.

* * *

"I hate you- and if gambling were legal, I'd send you in there." Deates muttered as I slid the candy towards me with a smile.

"First off- you suggested poker, and may I remind you that I fronted you the candy to begin with-"

"Details." He waved airily and I laughed at him under my breath.

"Doesn't matter now anyway- it's my turn to watch, Dick. Take a break." I stood and walked over to where Dick was hunched over the telescopic lens. He straightened with a smile, and settled down by Deates, writing in the log book. I pulled the stool over, seating myself and putting my eye to the lens. The building remained darkened with no sign of activity. I sighed softly, I hated surveillance.

"You're just afraid I'd take you next hand." Deates voice teased from behind me.

"That's exactly it." I spoke dryly, my head unmoving as I stared into the darkness searching for signs of movement that just weren't there. A junkie was down a few doors, huddled into the portico of a building and muttering to himself, but other than that there was no sign of activity.

"I knew it." His voice sounded satisfied, and I heard Dick mutter next to him.

"So Goren, huh Eames?" Dick addressed me in a low tone and if I could have rolled my eyes I would have.

"Yup." My answer was short but it didn't deter either of them at all.

"Have you heard the stories about him?" Dick's voice was mildly curious and I stiffened in my seat before forcing my body to relax.

"Nope- don't want to." My voice was shorter now, and he must have heard it because he didn't speak again for a while.

"They're just stories anyway. I've worked with him enough to know he's a damn good cop- and that's all I give a shit about. How long have you been seeing him?" I sighed in annoyance, people would never believe what gossip whores the men I worked with could be.

"Not long- two weeks maybe?"

"What about your sister? How was the visit?" Deates asked, thankfully steering the conversation away from the topic of my love life.

"Good- she was dress shopping. Other than making me want to shoot several innocent bystanders in a store- a good time was had by all." Deates chuckled, and shifted in his seat after another few moments of silence.

"All right- I'm going to grab some coffee, who wants?" I rose my hand without speaking and he laughed. "Yeah- I would have bought for you anyway. Dick?" He must have gotten a non verbal response, because I heard him leave the room, closing the door shut behind him. Dick continued writing in the log book, his pen scratching along in the silence.

"Eames- I didn't mean anything-"

"I know Dick. It's ok." My tone was final, and he sat silent for a moment, before turning back to the paperwork. Dick was always on top of his paperwork, it drove Deates and I nuts. We were always scrambling in the office afterward, left alone to do the work. Dick just laughed at our complaints though- stating that if we really hated it, we'd do it earlier. The room was silent, and the road was dark as I stared out through the lens. My mind drifted as I did so, running over Liz's visit. It had been good- the lunch with Bobby in particular had been interesting to say the least.

"_Alex- come on, you seem- you seem close. There's nothing wrong with that." His tone was cajoling, reassuring and I sat straighter, glaring._

"_See, it's less the 'oh look how close we were' and more the 'oh remember what happened when you were caught in Tommy Johnson's car' thing that bothers me." I spoke evenly, narrowing my eyes at Liz who grinned, pushing her plate to the side and leaning forward across the booth we were seated at. The place Bobby had selected wasn't really high scale, but he said they had the best steak, and I had to agree with him, after trying it._

"_Tommy Johnson's car?" His eyebrow quirked up slightly and I rolled my eyes._

"_Well I wasn't planning on telling that one Lex, but since you brought it up-" She broke off as I kicked her under the table and glared. Liz just grinned and leaned back, wrapping her hands around her mug and turning her gaze to Bobby. I felt my stomach drop out at that look. Shit. It was an Eames look- the one that came right before we nailed you to the wall- slightly unassuming with underlying tension. "So Bobby-" Bobby glanced up and I frowned. He didn't know what was coming. I probably should have felt bad, but like any good cop I let the situation handle itself. I could learn from this. "You're in Narcotics. How long have you been there?"_

"_I uh- transferred in three years ago." He answered simply, revealing nothing I didn't already know. I almost sat up straighter- Liz versus Bobby would be interesting to say the least, and I watched him closely, ready to leash Liz at any sign of discomfort from him._

"_Army right? Lex mentioned it to me. Where'd you serve?" She spoke with a smile, her manner open, and he smiled back._

"_Well then, Alex would have mentioned I was Intelligence right? I was posted lots of places. Germany- South Korea, I moved around a lot." He stirred sugar into his coffee as he spoke, and I took his empty plate and stacked it on top of mine , ready for the waitress to take, if she ever came back._

"_It must have been exciting seeing all those places." Liz spoke with interest and he nodded in response but didn't speak. She leaned forward more. "A chance to get away?"_

"_Away from what?" His question was mild and I almost laughed out loud at the blatant dodge. I was starting to feel better about letting Bobby meet the rest of my family eventually. If he could survive the Eames inquisition – hell right now he was coming out on top- then he would be fine._

_Liz shrugged, unsure how to respond, and she sat silent for a moment. I broke into the silence, giving a much needed distraction. "How's your schedule this week? Mike's giving me Thursday and Friday off." He turned towards me, angling his body so he was almost facing me, and he was frowning. _

"_Shit. I have Wednesday and Saturday. But I can see if I can switch with Jack. I'll work something out." I knew he would, and I smiled up at him. The fact that he was willing to try always amazed me. Most men were all about their needs, all the time. I nodded, and his arm stretched out along the back of the booth, inching towards me. I turned back towards Liz, and felt his hand tangle under my hair, the fingers resting against the sensitive skin there, and moving._

"_You're Italian right Bobby- part?" Liz was sitting back now, and Bobby turned his attention to her._

"_What makes you say that?" He asked, neither confirming nor denying. I smiled privately at how little he revealed to her._

"_Well I know Goren is English – but you have Italian coloring, and a lot of the traits. The nose, the eyes- and you're a toucher. Italians are very physical." Bobby smiled, a crooked half smile as he watched Liz._

"_You're pretty smart Liz- and yes, my mother's family was Italian." I filed away the information in my mind and watched as Liz smiled in response._

"_Not smart- I just read a lot- mostly Lex's leftover books too-"_

"_You have books on genealogy traits?" He turned to me now, his eyes pinning me down. I nodded slightly- most of my books were at home, I had no room for them with me here- yet._

"_She has books on everything, you should see our room at home. I can't wait for her to get a bigger place so I can give them to her and see my walls again. Lex was always a reader, even as a kid. Sean always says when they were young she would do papers for his friends- they'd pay her. He was four grades above her." I gave Liz the shut up look, but she ignored me. "She scored really high on her SAT's too- Lex was one of those annoying girls you couldn't not like you know? She was prom queen and popular, and smart and a tom boy all rolled into one. Guys loved her."_

"_Alright- that's enough." I broke in but Bobby's gaze had turned back to me and he was looking at me with interest._

"_I'm not surprised, really." His voice was soft and I rolled my eyes._

"_It's not like I had them lining up or anything-"_

"_You would have if you weren't dating Steve all through high school-"_

"_And look how well that turned out. Let's move on, please?" Liz at least had the decency to look upset that she had brought him up, glancing across the table with apology in her eyes_.

After that Liz had moved on to other topics. Later she had told me that she couldn't believe how easily Bobby had turned her from asking about him to talking about me. I shrugged, stating that it was a talent of his- which it was. But it was one I hoped he would stifle towards me. He was very private, I knew that. I also knew it would take time to get him to open up- but deep down, I already knew it would be worth the effort. I sat straighter, trying to ease the stiffness out of my back. Dick shifted behind me and I frowned, raising my wrist up to eye level.

"How long has Deates been gone?" I asked in a thoughtful tone, turning to Dick.

"I don't know- a while? I finished the paper work." I felt my stomach sink, as an eerie feeling crawled over my skin.

"I'm going to go look-" I grabbed my coat and Dick grabbed my arm to steady me.

"Eames, if you go alone and he was made- wait for me."

"Who'll watch then?" I asked irritated that he was stopping me.

"Well then wait and call for back up- if he's missing you shouldn't go out there alone-"

"You call, and wait for them. I'm going." I spoke swiftly, opening the door and making my way down the stairs with his voice cursing above me.

I scanned the street when I stepped out, my hand hovering at my side where I had opened my holster. Carefully walking down the street I noticed that the junkie was no longer twitching in the doorway. Some unknown instinct had me walking down the ally beside it- and soon it became apparent why when I heard muffled groans and footsteps. I pulled my gun out, holding it steady in front of me.

"Deates?" My voice was clear, and I could hear the muffled sounds of footsteps rushing towards me. His face was thin, almost skeletal as he rushed towards me, sliding out of the dark like a ghost. I held my weapon in front of me- yelling for him to stop. Everything seemed to slow down, as he rushed toward me and all I could hear was an intense buzzing in my ears. The radio on the other side of my waist crackled to life and I could hear sirens wailing in the distance. He was almost on top of me when I saw the glinting metal in his hand. Some far away part of my brain registered that it was a gun- probably Deates'. He raised it, his eyes wild and his hands covered in blood. The copper smell hit my nose, and I felt my heart stop beating as the gun rose higher and higher. The wind screamed in my ear- drowning out my voice shouting to freeze. Finally the fear pulsed so loudly through me, my fingers tightened on the trigger and I felt the recoil spread throughout me like a wave as the bullet left the barrel of my gun. Red blossomed across his dirty shirt, looking more dark than bright. Wasn't blood supposed to be bright? He fell to the ground, his knees giving out and his breath gasping. I could tell- from the way his breath was rasping - that I had hit a lung. I froze for a moment, staring at him down on the ground, before kicking the gun away out of his reach.

"Eames!" Dick's voice was a shout behind me, his breath coming in small rushes. "Eames! Are you alright?" He arrived behind me, taking in the lifeless body on the ground and the gun next to it. I didn't wait to hear what he was saying though- I ran into the darkness in the ally, towards the moans coming from deeper in the pitch black. Deates was laying in a pile of garbage, blood seeping from the stab wounds in his chest. The knife lay on the ground- apparently the junkie had left it for the gun. His breath was coming in gasps, and I ripped my coat off, folding it quickly and pressing it against the wounds, my mind racing ahead of me trying to remember the first aid and CPR course I had renewed a year ago. Pressure- needed pressure. My upper body was practically laying on top of him, but I could feel the blood seeping through the fabric and into my skin. It smelled acrid, not how I expected it to smell at all. My other hand searched my side, hauling out my radio and calling for a bus in a rushed tone. Time seemed to slow for a moment, and I continued to press on top of him, whispering about how he would be fine. Finally the sirens became so loud, and the red and blue lights filled the ally with an eerie glow, like strobe lights. Dark, red, dark, blue, dark, red, dark, red, dark, blue.

"Officer- we need to access your partner- come on." Hands pulled me up, and I glanced around realizing the EMT's were here. Dick's arms were around me, as he lead me away from Deates and the EMT's.

"You can ride with him Eames. I'm going to stay and give my statement-" Dick's voice was low in my ear, his hands pressing into the skin of my upper arms as I looked back at the two men hovering over Deates, as they pulled out equipment and transferred him to a board. "Give me your gun Eames." I blinked, looking at Dick in confusion.

"Don't I need to- to give my-"

"You can do it later. Or they can come see you at the hospital. But IAB needs your gun to clear it." His voice was soft and sure, and my hands fumbled with the leather of my holster. I glanced down, seeing they were slippery with blood, and I stopped, staring at them. Dick took over- sliding my gun out and handing it off to a waiting officer. I walked towards the ambulance, shivering in the night air. "Eames-" His voice stopped me as he glanced ahead to where Deates was being loaded in and behind to where the lifeless body of the junkie lay, eyes wide open but not seeing anything. My eyes fastened on him, my stomach rolling as I watched him laying there unnaturally still. Dick's hands gripped my shoulders tighter, and the pain brought my eyes back to him. "It was a good shooting Eames. Don't worry. You saved his life- you saved his life by not waiting, all right? Go." He shoved me towards the ambulance and I climbed in, sitting on the side numbly, watching the EMT working on Deates. The doors made a hollow sound as they shut and I turned my eyes to the window, unable to watch the EMT's frantic movements, or see the way the blood looked so bright against Deates' pale skin. So I stared out the window, clutching the small silver cross around my neck and watching Dick disappear into the dark as the sirens echoed above my head, wailing a warning.

* * *

I was sitting, staring at forms when Mike came rocketing into the room, like a small Latino whirlwind. She was yelling at the man next to her, a tall dark burly man who frowned. They stopped at the desk, and after exchanging heated words with the nurse there, the man nodded and left with Mike glaring after him like she wanted to haul her gun out there and shoot him. I sat listlessly watching, the clipboard on my lap filled with my unsteady hand writing and faint red streaks from the almost dried blood that coated my hands.

"Shit Eames-" Mike's voice sounded by my ear as she pried the clipboard from my hand, handing it to the nurse who hovered near her. "What the fuck happened? Why didn't they give you something to change into?"

"She refused- or didn't answer at any rate. She just took the paperwork and started filling it out, mumbling about finishing it fast." The nurses' voice spoke from behind her, and Mike glared over her shoulder.

"Well- go get her something." She snapped and the nurse jumped, scurrying away. "Eames. Come on- we're gonna go clean you up." Her voice had softened and this made me look up in surprise. I had never heard Mike talk in any other tone than her normal one. She smiled, pulling me along into a gleaming white room. The light struck the tiles on the wall, shining at me, and I caught sight of myself in the mirrors that lined that wall. Blood stained my shirt, even parts of my jeans. My hair had dried red streaks, and my eyes looked hollow and pale. My skin had a bit of a sickly pallor to it- and I stared at the image in front of me with horror. It was all his blood- and this couldn't be good right? This much blood?

"It's normal." her voice was soothing in my ear as she turned on the water and pulled paper towels from the dispenser. She stuck my hands under the water, and began wiping me down, much like a child. "He's in surgery now- he got stabbed four times. Nothing hit his heart though- one might have nicked his lung- but they got him in time Alex. He'll be fine. He'll be fine." I stared at her, blinking in confusion. Suddenly my stomach rebelled against me, and I ran, hitting the metal door and hearing it clang against the stall wall as I heaved, emptying the contents of my stomach. When I was done, the toilet flushed, and I felt Mike's hands pulling me up. "Come on Alex. It's alright. Here, let me take your shirt off." At some point she must have gotten another shirt for me, because I felt the cool cotton slide over me as I stood there. When she was done, she lead me out of the room, back to the waiting area. I slid into a plastic chair, blinking slowly.

"There was so much blood. The junkie- and then Deates- he was laying there in all this blood and it looked like so much." My voice was a whisper and Mike sat beside me, squeezing my hand until it hurt. I jerked it back, blinking suddenly and she stared at me. "How is he?" My mind seemed to sharpen and focus as my other hand rubbed the injured one.

"Still in surgery. You alright now?" I nodded and she sat back, looking over at me. "What happened?"

"He went for coffee- and I was watching and Dick was doing the log- I lost track of time, but it seemed like he was taking a while. I got a bad feeling, so i told Dick to call for back up. When I hit the street, I noticed the junkie wasn't there- I noticed him earlier- and I walked that way, towards the ally. I heard sounds, so I drew my weapon and called out." My voice was matter of fact, emotionless as I told the story. Mike nodded along with me. "Then he came out of nowhere, he was running and I saw Deates' gun in his hands. And he was raising the weapon- he was aiming and I yelled for him to freeze- but he kept coming. So I shot him. Then Dick showed up, and I left him with the junkie while I looked for Deates. Then I found him and radioed, and put pressure on his wounds- and then Dick took my gun and I came here." I took a deep breath at the end, and Mike rubbed my arm in sympathy.

"You did good. IAB cleared your weapon. It looks like Deates' gun jammed. Idiot never cleans his gun. It's why he didn't fire on the junkie, and why the junkie wasn't able to shoot you first. They'll want your statement later though. Are you hurt?" I rubbed my hand and glared at her.

"Not other than where you hurt me." I muttered and she smiled unapologetically.

"You were in shock. I didn't have time to coddle you out of it." She shrugged as she spoke, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair.

"Yeah well- you could have smacked me- it probably would have hurt less." I sighed, sinking back, suddenly exhausted. Dick came into the room, carrying a tray of coffee. He handed one to Mike and one to me, sitting heavily.

"How is he?" He looked older somehow- sitting under the bright lights, his face lined and haggard in their glare. He and Mike exchanged a glance before she gave him the update she had given me. Dick sighed in relief, before turning to me. "I shouldn't have said we should wait- I thought it was fine. You knew."

"I just had a bad feeling Dick. It wasn't-"

"It was your instincts Eames. And thank God for them." I stopped talking, the energy required to argue just not there anymore. I sipped the hot drink in my hands and shuddered. It was plain black- but I needed it and didn't care at this point. When I looked up again, the whole team was there- Lish and Joe and Jeffs, having just arrived. We all sat, silent and uncomfortable in the brightly lit room, no one speaking much after Mike had reported what she knew yet again.

"Who was the guy?" My voice shattered the silence, and Mike glanced at me with a frown. "The guy with you- he left-"

"Captain. Found out the outlook was good and took off." Mike's voice was laced with disgust and Dick snorted beside me.

"The man is a cold bastard." he muttered, shifting in his seat, and silence descended again, heavy and uncomfortable.

"Are you waiting for Officer Andrew Deates?" A male voice echoed from the doorway and we glanced up. Mike stood, nodding, explaining that she was his superior officer quickly. The doctor frowned around at us. "His family?"

"We are it." Mike answered tersely. "He doesn't have a wife- and his parents are deceased, so how is he?" He voice was tight and she crossed her arms, glaring at him.

"He suffered four stab wounds. Three were pretty easily repaired- didn't hit any major organs, and other than severing some muscle and nicking a rib they were fine. The fourth one however lacerated his lung. We had to repair the damage- but it went well. He's in recovery now, and he'll be moved to ICU in a few hours. He's sedated, and probably won't wake up for a few hours. At any rate only one person is allowed in ICU at a time, and only for fifteen minutes at a time. You can check with the nurse to see which room he'll be moved to." With a short nod the doctor walked away swiftly, heading to the next crisis awaiting him.

"Alright- I'm going to stay overnight." Mike spoke in the sudden silence. "No point in all of us staying. You can come in and see him tomorrow." She was speaking to the room as a whole, but her eyes were fastened on Dick and I as she spoke. "No arguing got it? Especially you Eames- go get some rest." I wondered exactly how in the hell I was supposed to do that exactly, but wasn't given time to respond as Dick pulled me out of the room.

"Don't bother Eames- she won't budge. She'll stay with him. And you should rest. This was a hell of a night." His voice was weary and I placed a hand on his arm, squeezing slightly. He nodded without speaking, and pushed me towards the exit and the waiting department van. Once inside, he turned to me exhaustion written over his face.

"Where to?"


	8. Undergrowth

A/N: Sorry this is a bit late- but remember how I said I was a chapter ahead? Well, said chapter got deleted and rewritten three times today. Nothing felt right- until this version. At least I think this version is right. I'm still biting my nails here.

Disclaimer: Law and Order:CI is property of Dick Wolf and NBC. Neithe rof those are me.

* * *

"Alex?" He was standing in his bare feet, and I frowned thinking he shouldn't be out in the cold like that. Not that it was really cold per say, but the hall was filled with drafts. "What in the hell happened, are you all right?" His hands were running over my chilled skin now, as if to check I was whole, which was a bit stupid, because clearly if I found my way here, I was whole. He pulled me inside and closed the door behind me. The warm air snaked it's way around me and I shivered in reaction. "Is that blood?" His hand were in my hair now and he pulled me against his chest which was large and warm beneath a thin cotton shirt. "Alex- talk to me please." His voice rumbled out like a desperate plea and I finally looked up at him with contrition written across my face.

"Sorry- I'm- I'm fine." Fine. If fine meant I didn't want to sleep for fear I would see him dying all over again, then of course I was fine. "There was- Deates was stabbed and there was a junkie, an ally- and the lights." I wasn't making sense, and I knew that, but I had told the story- to Dick, to Mike- and I was tired telling it. Bobby didn't seem to mind though, he just nodded, pulling me along the worn wooden floors of his apartment. His hand was large and warm and wrapped around mine as he pulled me into the tiled bathroom. "Why am I in here?" I mumbled, looking up at him as he eased Dick's coat off of my stiff shoulders.

"Because you're freezing, and there's blood on you. You need a bath." Bobby's voice was soft and his hands hesitated for a moment at the hem of the cotton hospital shirt I had on. I put my hands over his, nodding and he pulled it up over my head. He stared for a moment before turning and running water into the tub.

"Hot- I like it really hot." I muttered, pulling my stiff jeans down over my hips and standing there in my sock feet. He nodded, turning and pulling me closer. He didn't say anything, but held me, his skin heating mine until the tub was filled. Then he averted his eyes while I finished stripping and sank into the almost scalding heat of the the tub. The warmth seeping into my bones, easing the ache and tightness that was there. Bobby didn't leave though, he knelled by my side on the tiled floor. His hands ran over my hair, and my neck and shoulders as he frowned, watching me sink more deeply into the bath.

"Do you- Alex, do you want me to help you?" I didn't look at him, but I nodded and he stood for a moment searching under the cupboard until he came back with a plastic cup. It reminded me of the one my Mom had used when we were kids to wash our hair. She would tell us to look up- _look way up_ – and she would pour the water over our heads and I would giggled as it tickled it's way through my long hair. I blinked slowly, realizing that Bobby was doing much the same thing, and suddenly I felt angry- at him, or at myself - I wasn't sure. I was stronger than this. I was an Eames and I could do this. My hands reached up and took the cup from his.

"I'll- I'll finish Bobby. I'll be fine." His breath tickled my cheek as he sighed softly.

"Are you sure." I nodded, one swift jerk of my head and he seemed to get the message, because he held up his hands and backed away from me. "I'll go make coffee- did you eat? Do you want something to eat?" His tone was concerned and I almost smiled, but couldn't quite seem to being it to the surface for him.

"Sure." my voice was a tiny whisper in the large room and he nodded before twisting the knob easily and exiting the room. Once the door clicked into place I felt the tension drain from me, and I sat in the water, watching as it swirled around my legs, creating tiny bubbles. There was still blood underneath my nails and as I watched it seeped out into the water, a faint pink line twirling out. Osmosis. I grabbed soap from above me and started scrubbing roughly, rubbing it against my skin in a lather as my nails scraped across the pink flesh in an effort to cleanse myself. I took comfort from the fact that it smelled like Bobby- and I was literally wrapping myself in his scent. Next I dumped water over my head, washing my hair once and then twice, and then a third time. Bobby only had shampoo but it didn't bother me- I rarely used condition- it weighed down my hair too much, causing the natural straightness to hang limp instead of full. Finally I yanked the plug out, standing and shivering as the cool air hit my skin. Wrapping a towel around myself- it must have been a bath sheet Bobby brought in, it was huge- I stood in the misty air, shivering as water dripped from my hair, trickling down between my shoulder blades. The door swung open and Bobby appeared framed by the doorway, filling it as he held out a shirt. It was button up and flannel, the fabric soft and worn in my hands as I reached out and grasped it.

"It's all I have- I mean nothing would really fit you and-" His voice was a stammer and I nodded slowly. "I made- hot chocolate instead of coffee- you may want to sleep- oh and there's cinnamon toast-" I looked up, slightly startled. It was my comfort food, what my mother made me when I was sick- _how had he known? _He must have read my look easily because he shrugged. "Liz mentioned it- one of the stories.." He waved his hands in front of him, and his eyes scanned me from head to toe once, as if looking for damage. He nodded, seemingly satisfied before he exited the room once again, leaving me with the slowly dissipating humidity and a worn flannel shirt clutched to my chest.

A few moments later I emerged from the room, to see him hovering around the door in the hall. The shirt went past my knees and I had to roll the sleeves up no less than five times just to get my hands through. My clothes still lay in a crumpled heap on the bathroom floor, I hadn't really wanted to touch any of them. When I turned to the living room, Bobby took my hand in his and pulled me in the other direction toward his bedroom. He had me sitting in bed, wrapped in warm blankets that smelled like him before I knew what was happening. There was toast on the bedside table, and he sat himself on the edge of the bed, watching me.

"He'll be okay." I whispered, more to myself than him, but feeling the need to explain to him- to make him understand what I was doing- and why I was doing it. "Deates- he was stabbed four times, but he'll be fine. Mike's with him at the hospital. Dick drove me home- he said where to? And I gave your address instead of mine – I don't know why." My voice trailed off and I frowned.

"It doesn't matter why." His hands covered one of mine, cradling it gently in his two hands, and pressing his palm to mine in an effort to reassure me. I blinked up at him and smiled slightly. "It wasn't even Deates- I mean, I was terrified that he was going to die, and I was with him- his blood was all over me, but that's not why I'm here. He'll be fine. But the junkie- what on earth possessed him to attack Deates? He was strung out and I saw that- I should have warned him before he left to get the coffee- but I didn't. He wouldn't stop coming at me in that ally- it was dark and he just wouldn't stop- wouldn't listen. And then – it was so fast. One shot and he fell. He fell Bobby- and it was so fast."

Understanding seemed to dawn in his eyes and he shifted up on the bed, pulling me into his lap like a small child, his arms going around me as he whispered things that made little sense into my ear. His breath was hot on my skin and his embrace was warm, so I sank into it gratefully. "Alex- listen to me. It was what you had to do. If you hadn't of shot him- he would have hurt you. He would have and you have to know that. It wasn't-"

My hand reached up for the small silver cross that I hadn't taken off before getting into the tub. I clutched it, closing my eyes and praying for a moment. For forgiveness, for the man's soul I had taken tonight, for Deates. And Bobby just held me, stirring feelings in me as my skin connected with his and my breathing slowed down for what seemed like the first time that night. "It was so fast." His hands ran up and down my back, and I could feel the heat of them through the fabric of his shirt. I took a deep breath, smelling him everywhere, but mostly the warmth of his skin beneath me and my hands inched up around his neck, touching him softly, as if to reassure myself that yes- he was there and I was here, and we were together. And at some point the touch morphed from reassurance to need, and from need to want. I shifted in his lap, bringing my head up and his head down as I pressed my lips against his hot skin, feeling the rough beard there, but not caring. His hands stilled and he tensed in my arms, but I stoked one hand down his back , almost soothing him in return as my mouth traveled across the skin of his jaw drifting down towards his neck. A need had filled me, and he fought the response.

"Alex-" His voice was a warning and a prayer all wrapped into one, and I shook my head, pulling back and looking into his eyes.

"I need you. Please. I just need you right now-"

"You don't want it this way Alex. Not now-"

"Yes I do." My voice was a fierce whisper in the dim light of the room. "I want you Bobby. I want you to touch me, and I want to feel you against me- inside me, I want to feel you all over me. Please. Please. Just let me- just-" His mouth cut off my pleas, and I arched up against him in response, pressing my breasts against his chest and winding my arms around his neck as I rose above him. Warmth spread through my body- inching it's way down and I moaned in response to it, to the feel of him everywhere. My hands tugged at his shirt, my skin aching for contact with his. His hand reached for the buttons on mine, but I simply slid it over my head and off my body. He blinked for a moment, as if dazed by the site of me sitting in his lap naked, but soon his hands were tracing the contours of my body, memorizing and worshiping it, and my mouth fused with his as we fell and sank into the darkness and each other.

* * *

My mother used to tell me when I was small, that life happened in moments. Sometimes the moments were defining, and sometimes the moments were subtle, but sometimes you recognized a moment as it was happening, knowing it would be something great. She always talked like this when she told the story of loving Dad. She had recognized the moment when she fell. I swallowed heavily, recalling all of this as I listened to his breathing pattern in the dark- listened to his heart under my ear. I eased my body away as slowly as I could, desperate not to wake him. Glancing at the clock as I padded out of the room I saw that it was nearing four am.

I wrapped the worn fabric of his shirt around me as I picked up his phone, dialing with nervous trepidation. It rang four times before she answered, her voice mumbling from the sleep, only to become quickly aware as she heard my whispered greeting. I found my mother intolerable at times, an annoyance, a force to be reckoned with and avoided at times. But when it all came down to it, she was the first one I called. There in his shirt, in his kitchen, in the middle of the night. I called my mother.

"Lexie are you all right? What's going on?" I could hear the concern in her whisper as she took the phone downstairs and I laughed slightly, not really sure anymore why I called.

"I'm – not hurt Mom. I just- needed to talk." I finished listlessly, but she didn't sigh or judge. She just said that was fine and waited for me to talk. I could hear the noise of her pouring water as she listened to my quiet breathing, and although it should have been a tense silence, one filled with pressure and expectation, somehow it wasn't at all. "Do you remember the first time you told me about meeting Dad? And the moments?" I finally managed to force out, my voice a strangled whisper.

"Of course honey. I tell it the same every time. Why?" For once, her voice wasn't pushing, wasn't begging for more details, wasn't trying to express anything other than concern for me.

"I- I had a lot of moments today." I laughed but it was a hollow sound that didn't seem to convey the emotion behind it. "I feel- wrong Mom. Like I know how I feel but I shouldn't feel that way."

"Tell me the moments Lexie." I heard her sit down, and I mirrored her action, sliding down the wooden cupboards until I hit cold tile floor. I folded my legs under me and held the phone to my ear, cradling it against my head.

"I squeezed the trigger of my gun today. I felt it all the way to my bones, and it was the first time it felt like that. The bullet- it killed someone. He wasn't innocent- but I feel like- I feel-"

"Responsible?" Her voice was soft and she sighed. "Every time your father shot someone in the line of duty Lexie, he would come home all quiet. He would sit in his armchair and just- watch you kids play for a while. Never saying anything but just watching. He wouldn't drink those nights- it was how I always knew. I can't tell you how to deal with it Lexie. You dad, he gets quiet- Sean- he gets angry. I had foolishly hoped I wouldn't have to see how you deal with it."

"I got numb. And scared. And I could see it. Which leads me to my next moment. Mom- what did you moment with Dad feel like? Did you just know? That he was it for you or did you-"

"Lexie." Her voice stopped my own and I bit my lip, hugging my knees to my chest and holding my breath waiting for her answer. "I had known your father as a friend, but this one day- we were taking a walk, and he bumped into me. And I looked into his eyes and just.. knew. I felt like the world faded a bit and I felt safe and this- this still moment where everything clicked. Like it was bigger than just him and I- it was something right locking into place. Does that make any sense?" I nodded though she couldn't see me, and hugged my legs closer. She paused for a moment and silence fell, both of us reluctant to break it.

"Who is he, Lexie? The truth now, hm?" Her voice was soft and I sniffed slightly.

"He's- he's my moment. Mom- I'm scared. It's too soon- I'm not ready-"

"Soon and ready are relative terms Alexandra. For some people three years is too soon, for some it only takes days or minutes. As for not being ready, I really don't think it would happen if you weren't ready." I frowned in the dark, my brows drawing together with a slight eye roll. My mother was a huge believer in God's plan, and all of us playing our parts in it. It had annoyed me as a kid, but as an adult who often saw terrible things, I found myself taking comfort from the simple belief. Fate. Meant to be. Part of a plan, whatever you called it, it meant you could draw comfort from the fact that some things were truly out of your hands.

"I'm still scared." I whispered in response and she laughed on her end.

"Of course you are dear. It's a scary thing. Do you want to- are you home?" I smile even though no one can see me. And there it is- my mother. Even in the middle of a potentially life changing conversation she finds a backhanded way to question my activities.

"No." I answer dryly and she sighs, muttering about growing up too soon. "I'm- I don't want to screw this up."

"I won't lie and say you can't Lexie. Clearly I can't say much- I don't know him, you do. But I will tell you this. Relationships are difficult. They're exhausting and draining and sometimes you wonder why you do it. But nothing worth having ever comes easy, Lexie. But as difficult as it gets, those times when you want to give in, and give up. Remember this- remember that moment Lexie. Hold it in your heart and remember why you are fighting. Why you are working so hard. And along the way, more moments will be added to the stockpile. Moments of pure happiness, joy. That's why you don't give up- even after the screw ups."

I sat for a moment, absorbing her words thoughtfully, wondering how once again my mother seemed to know what to say without actually knowing what we're talking about . I could still hear his heartbeat echoing around me, and I closed my eyes, listening to it. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes, smiling fully for the first time that night.

"Thanks Mom. I love you." She responded in kind, and I hung the phone up slowly. The sense of impending doom seemed to have left for the moment, and I found my hands once again resting against my necklace. Maybe it was someone's plan. Maybe I needed him, or he'd need me. I didn't really know, but I really wanted to find out. A noise in the doorway made me tense and look up started, relaxing when I saw his huge frame hovering there. He walked in, sliding down on to the floor next to me.

I didn't speak, and he didn't seem to mind. I just leaned into his arms, and wrapped my own around his waist. His breath stirred strands of my hair and his breathing provided a steady beat for mine to follow. I didn't ask him if I woke him, he didn't ask me if I slept. Both questions we already knew the answers to. The silence wrapped around us, warming me like a blanket, and I could only lay my head on his shoulder, listening as he breathed. And in a brief flash, the moment I had ran from in the bedroom was back with me, living and breathing alongside us. I felt safe, and felt an incredible urge to lay his head down in my lap, to run my fingers through his hair, to care for him. I wanted that responsibility, that privilege. I wanted that life- and the sheer intensity of it all terrified me.

His hand moved over my back, tangling in my hair. His fingers ran up and through the strands, creating knots in an almost painful way but I didn't speak, or verbalize it in any way. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, staring off to the opposite wall, and my thoughts crystallized in a moment of clarity. He was alone- he had never mentioned family, he had no personal photos around his apartment, other than a small service photo tucked away on a bookshelf. No childhood pictures, no current ones. My place was filled with pictures, candids and posed, laughter and family and love. Bobby's place had none of that. He was alone. And I realized what my mother had spoken about applied more than she knew. He wouldn't be easy to be with, he wouldn't be open, or even allow cracks. He was closed off- it was why he had said he avoided commitment. But I also knew, that he could have family, he could have that happiness in his life. I could do that for him- give that to him.

I leaned back, staring at his profile in the dark. Leaning forward I pressed my forehead to his cheekbone, inhaling softly. Placing my hand in his, I stood slowly, causing his other hand to fal from my hair and forcing him to stand with me. We stood silently, staring at each other, my hand still in his, palm to palm. I smiled slightly, and he stepped forward, bringin his body closer to mine. I could feel myself lean toward him, as if my skin were drawn to his. And even now, after I had expended the want through touches and sighs, heated breath and tender kisses, even after all that, I wanted him again. My eyes met his, and I nodded, worrying my lip between my teeth. He pulled me closer still, tuggging on our joined hands like a leash. I walked into his personal space, my chin up and a gleam in my eye. Pushing him forward, I stalked him out into the hall, and back to the bedroom. Neither of us would be alone anymore.


	9. Took The Other

A/N: Alright- monster chapter ahead. But my wit gets the best of me while writing these lighter scenes, sigh. And yay, I broke the 100 review mark! So thanks. And although I've been falling back on review replying- writing seems to be taking over, so I hope you don't mind- I want you to know I love all of my reviews. And some of them made me cry last time, you guys are really just too great. So go ahead with the fluffy chapter of fluff.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowing.

* * *

"I hate paperwork day." Lish laid her head back, her hair spilling onto my desk as she slouched down in her chair, looking at the ceiling. Across from us, Dick snorted, glaring out the windows that lined one wall.

"I hate snow." He muttered, pulling another form across his desk with a sigh and flipping it open.

"I hate the two of you whining." I muttered, pushing Lish's hair out of my way and finishing off my last form with my signature. "Just shut the hell up. It's almost Christmas, and the snow is not an inconvenience- it's in the holiday spirit. Bitch about it December 26th- not today. And Lish- if it will shut you up, I just finished my stuff, I'll help you with yours." Lish sat up, turning her chair with a grin.

"Oh I love you Alex! Here." She pulled half of her pile off her desk and threw it on mine.

"Do you people feel a pathological need to talk? Some of us are working here." Conner complained from his corner and we all turned.

"Whatever Conner- just because you can't talk and write at the same time doesn't mean we have to suffer." Dick shot back, throwing his own pen down on top of his pile. "Done!" Raising his arms in a victory motion, he twirled in his chair a bit. "Here Eames, hand me some of Lish's. The less time we spend doing this-"

"The more time you can play with me later. Wait- that came out too dirty." Deates' voice issued from the doorway and we all turned towards him. I jumped up, giving him a fierce hug.

"Andy! Are you back for good?" He had been gone for almost five weeks now. I had visited him a lot in the hospital, where he insisted that since he had bled all over me, the least I could do was get on a first name basis with him. Once he was released, we had taken turns on our days off, going to see him and updating him on the shop news.

"You know it." He grinned, stretching his arms out and glancing around. "To think I was looking forward to seeing this shit hole. What are you doing?"

"Paperwork day." Lish, Dick, Conner and Jeffs answered with a groan.

"And you can help with that- falls under light duty." I teased, pulling him further into the room. "So go grab some paper."

"I'm suddenly feeling very weak. Where's the light? I can't see.." His waved his hands out in front of his face and I shoved him into a seat.

"Uh huh. Here you go. Feel your way through these." I grabbed some sheets from Conner's desk, throwing them in front of Andy who groaned. Seating myself back at my desk, Dick and I started work on Lish's forms. Jeffs had finished and was now helping Conner finish his off- he and Lish were always the slowest. Lish was slow because she always got distracted doing the paperwork. Joe was just plain slow though- it was rather amusing watching a grown man plod his way through the work.

"Have I mentioned that I hate paperwork day?" Lish's tone was close to a whine and I rolled my eyes.

"Look- first off- it's going to take less than an hour to finish. We'll be out of here at a normal hour for once- and it's Christmas! Cheer the hell up." Lish rolled her eyes at my cheer, glaring at me.

"Says the person who is getting laid regularly. You shut the hell up." She muttered and I frowned at her.

"What happened to Wall Street guy?"

"Well, Wall Street guy decided that my hours were an inconvenience to him- and I decided he was a dick. No offense, Dick." She laughed and I shook my head. Lish had dated about four guys in the last six weeks. Joe remained clueless, carrying on with his previous pattern of one night stands and nothing beyond a third date. According to him- three dates was all he needed.

"None taken. Hey- if we're finished early- we should go to Swift for a few holiday drinks. I think we've earned it." Dick spoke in a distracted tone, but all of our heads lifted at the suggestion.

"And I'm back- that a good enough excuse to drink." Andy added with a grin and a waggle of his brows.

"What about Mike?" Lish spoke up. "Who's gonna go tell her?" I snorted under my breath and earned a glare from Dick. Dick and I had been working solo for five weeks, and I had learned a lot from him- and about him. Like the fact that he and Mike were together- not that he told me that, but after five weeks of observing their interactions unaccompanied- and therefor undistracted, I had figured it out fairly quickly.

"I will." Dick responded before I could, and he stood placing the finished pile in front of him on Lish's desk, and strolling out. I finished off the last page in front of me, and leaned over Lish's shoulder, doing the same. She frowned and continued writing.

"I don't get why you two are so damn fast."

"It's a method. It's called- are you ready- you may want to take notes. _Multitasking. _See- I can do things, like follow conversation and talk and plan my week and -" My tirade of sarcasm was cut off by her glare and muttered 'I hate you.' Glancing around, I leaned back, watching everyone. Joe was concentrating on his work, writing with a serious expression. On second thought- maybe it was a good thing he and Lish weren't clicking- I hated to think what their household bills would look like. An unbidden image of he and Lish buried under a pile of bills cause a smile to cross my face. Andy was going through his desk, every now and then looking over his shoulder at me and winking or making faces. Jeffs was quiet as usual- but again in the last five weeks I'd learned still waters run deep. Jeffs was that awkward, geeky kind of guy who was quiet, and didn't talk a lot but when he did get going had nothing but interesting shit to say.

I was in an extraordinarily good mood for a few reasons. One, we started our holiday time off tomorrow. It was only three days, but it wasn't our precinct's turn to be on call this year. Things really slowed down around Christmas – so we rotated years – with seven divisions covering the whole city, we had two on call each year. Then we only work every third Christmas. Two – things has been going fantastically well for me lately. Work was good, life was even better. I spent more time at Bobby's place than my own lately- a fact which Lish teased me about all the time. She had even taken to calling his place first, before she even attempted mine. He was still very private, but I was very patient, more than he knew. I smiled to myself and started humming under my breath.

"Eames, I swear if you don't stop singing god damned Christmas carols, I'm going to pull my gun out and shoot you." Conner glared over at me, and I grinned at him in response, humming more loudly. It had taken a few weeks for him to get over the awkwardness between us- but we were finally getting there. It was nice to know I didn't have to tiptoe around him any longer. In front of me, Lish threw her pen down and twirled in her chair.

"Finally! Whoo hoo. Now I need a drink! Something with lots of vodka or tequila or both." She rolled her chair back, turning so she faced the front of my desk. "So- you still taking him to meet the family?"

"Yes." I answered with narrowed eyes. "It's less a choice on his part and more a demand on my mother's. Last time I was home she said if I didn't bring him, she wouldn't let me in the house. It's just Christmas Eve anyway. He's got plans for Christmas day." Plans which he hadn't really elaborated on, actually. I almost would have assumed work- but I knew that his squad was off as well. Sean had mentioned that in passing. I didn't press him for details though- when he was ready to tell me, he would, and me asking annoying questions wouldn't help any.

"Still- meeting the parents Alex. That's big." I rolled my eyes at her expression – a mix of respect and awe.

"Yes it was- when we were fifteen Lish. It's not that big of a deal-"

"Whatever. You love him- if you didn't you wouldn't be taking him home. I know- I sure as hell wouldn't subject anyone to _my_ family if I didn't think they might actually have to deal with them for the rest of their lives." I shrugged, looking away from her and she laughed. "Oh you so love him." She danced from side to side, singing the words badly. At that moment Mike and Dick entered the room, glancing around. Andy looked up with a smirk.

"Wow guys- that took a lot of – uh _convincing_." I laughed out loud, and he grinned over at me with a wink. Mike glared at him, but her expression softened as she walked over to his desk.

"Shut the hell up. And welcome back you big asshole." He stood , pulling her into a hug that she withstood awkwardly. Snickers spread through the room- Mike wasn't exactly a hugger. "Alright- get off me. Are we leaving or what? I cannot wait to not see this place for three days."

There was a flurry of activity as we all stood, pulling on coats and scarves. I wrapped my scarf around my neck, pulling my coat on top of it and finally pulling my hat over my hair. Andy sidled up to me, putting an arm through mine. "You look like you're twelve Heidi. What is with the hat?"

"It's frigging cold idiot. And maybe the reason you all complain about the cold so much is none of you dress weather appropriate." I glared at Dick in particular , whose only concession to the weather was a thicker coat. He never had gloves, or a scarf- let alone a hat.

"I don't need that shit Eames. I'm a man!" He lead the way outside, only to shove his hands in his pockets and jump a bit. "Fuck, when did it get this cold?"

"Right around, I don't know.. winter, dumbass?" Mike laughed as she strolled by him. We walked down the street in a large group, causing people to jump out of our way and yell obscenities at us, with the impression that they were muttering. Dick and Joe would laugh, yelling things like 'Merry fucking Christmas to you too' and purposely stepping in new people's paths. Lish walked with Jeffs behind Andy and I, shaking her head at their childish behavior.

When we entered Swift, it was crowded. It was a popular bar, especially amongst cops. It was quiet, or loud, depending on the day, and was just a really great 'good old boys' pub. We grabbed a large booth, crowding into it, brushing snow off our coats and laughing. After ordering drinks – beer for the boys mostly, and Mike – and margaritas for Lish and I- we settled in, looking around.

"Seriously- I don't get it. Why do girls drink cold things in winter?" Joe was looking to Jeffs for a confirmation, but he just held his hands up and shrugged. Lish and I glared at him good naturedly.

"First of all- not all girls order 'cold drinks.' Secondly , are you drinking a hot toddy? Beer is cold too idiot." Lish shot back at him with a raised brow. I laughed slightly, shifting as our drinks were placed in front of us.

"Oh shut the hell up – all of you kids." Mike butted in, raising her glass. "To a happy holidays. And to another year of work- in which hopefully we'll get more bad guys." We clinked glasses and drank, and Andy raised his glass again.

"And to Mom and Dad. We kids appreciate you, even if we never show it." He nodded to Mike and Dick as he spoke and the rest of laughed and drank while they glared at him. He put his drink down with a 'who me?' expression and laughed. " Oh come on- it's the worst kept secret around here." Mike shot him a deadly look, and then her look changed to surprised as all of us- even Jeffs, nodded along.

"It really is guys. Who are we gonna tell? Get over it already." Jeffs spoke up quietly and we all shouted an agreement, as Dick glanced over at Mike with a shrug. Andy clapped Jeffs on the back with force, causing beer to slosh over the rim of Jeffs' glass.

"See? He don't speak much but when he does- it's the _truth_." Jeffs blushed and we all laughed loudly drawing attention from other tables. Mike just rolled her eyes, shifting in her seat.

"So how are you all adjusting to the- what did you call them Eames?" She cocked a head at me and I grinned.

"I believe it was- help me out here, Dick- god damned useless pieces of crap? Is that right?" I laughed lightly and Dick nodded. Mike was referring to the cell phones the department had issued out to all OCCB units and detectives. They were like frigging bricks, strapped to us all the time- even though half the time they didn't get a signal. But supposedly, it kept us in contact with the department at all times. Personally I preferred it when if they couldn't page us, they didn't get us.

"Oh they're great." Joe spoke sarcastically. "Nothing better than being able to be called into to work at any time. Who wouldn't want that?"

"I feel a need to drink to that." Dick spoke, draining his glass of beer. "And now- since I'm first finished, I get second round. Thanks a lot Conner. What is everyone having?"

A round of answers echoed from the table, and I requested coffee. I never drank more than one or two drinks. It was a combination of a really terrible experience as a teenager – I had to have my stomach pumped which was something I'd rather not repeat – and growing up with an alcoholic in the family. After the first few group outings though, they never even teased me about it anymore. Besides which- at my size, one drink was more than enough to warm my blood and relax my body.

Lish's elbow dug into my side and she nodded towards the front of the bar. "Alex- isn't that Bobby? Who's he with?" I glanced in the direction she was pointing with a frown. It was him and he was with another guy- but not one of his co workers. This guy was good looking- with shaggy black hair and a grin. He was smaller than Bobby- but what shocked me the most was the fact that they seemed very comfortable with each other. The guy had Bobby laughing, and they leaned across their table to hear better, grins on their faces.

"I don't know." I answered Lish finally, and she tugged on my sleeve.

"Well let's go find out- his friend is cute." She grinned and I shook my head. "Why not?"

"Because- it's not polite to just bust in on him like that and-"

"Alex, it's not 'busting in' if you're his girlfriend and your bringing your fabulously beautiful friend with you." I laughed at her description, shaking my head again.

"No." She pouted in response, making eyes at me.

"Come on- he's cute and I need a man."

"You do not need a man- you go through them like-"

"It's not my fault you took the only good one I knew. It doesn't matter anyway- Bobby just spotted Dick and his huge ass tray of drinks." I glanced over, seeing that it was true. Ever alert, Bobby noticed Dick and his eyes began to scan the bar. His gaze followed Dick to our table and he grinned, waving me over. "Oh look, he wants us to come over." Lish spoke quickly, dragging me to my feet, and grabbing her drink from Dick's tray. "We'll be right back boys." She winked, and pulled me along behind her over to the other side of the bar.

"Alex!" Bobby grinned, standing and glancing down. "Lewis- this is Alex and one of her co workers, Lish." Lewis- the friend with the cars, I remembered – stood, shaking Lish's hand and eying me.

"Nice to meet you Alex- Bobby here talks about you all the time-" He was cut off by Lish's laugh and Bobby pulling him away from her.

"That's Lish actually- _this_ is Alex." Lewis looked at me in surprise and I smiled, holding out a hand. He shook it, muttering an apology and glancing down, embarrassed - as Bobby stole two chairs from other tables with an easy charm. Once we were seated, Lewis apologized again.

"I'm sorry- it's just- you look like, and she- It was a mistake." He blushed a bright red, and Lish laughed, leaning close to his shoulder.

"It's alright, I know I'm not Bobby's usual type." I laughed at his discomfort and he seemed to relax.

"Hey I don't have a type-" Bobby protested and I rolled my eyes. "I don't." He insisted. Putting an arm around me as he pulled my chair closer to his. "Lewis here- has been my friend for years- since we were kids in fact."

"Really?" Lish arched a brow, looking at Lewis again with renewed interest. "What do you do, Lewis?" She smiled and he blushed harder.

"I uh- restore cars. I have a shop and we specialize-"

"You own it?" She asked with interest and I laughed slightly under my breath, as Bobby took advantage of their distraction to tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss my temple lightly.

"Uh oh." He whispered in my ear. "Looks like Lewis is being hit on by a BMW." I laughed, looking down as his chuckle echoed in my ear. Lish continued to talk to Lewis- who after a few minutes started talking in earnest, apparently getting over his embarrassment. He was actually quite a funny guy- and I realized why Bobby had been laughing earlier. After a few minutes though, Andy came sauntering over, pulling up a chair.

"My first day back and you go and steal my girl Goren. It wasn't enough you had her for the last few weeks? All to yourself-" He grinned good naturedly, pulling my chair closer to his and his face filled with mirth.

"I beg to differ Deates." Bobby rose a brow with a grin, taking a drink of beer. "She was always over at your place on her days off- a less secure man would have been upset." He teased and Andy laughed loudly.

"Less secure huh?" he grinned, glancing over his shoulder. "Look girls- the boys get antsy when you aren't around for our amusement. Why don't you two join us?" He spoke to Bobby and Lewis in a jovial tone, and Bobby glanced at Lewis who was staring at Lish.

"Alright- but just for a bit. I don't want to intrude-" Bobby stood as he spoke, and Lewis followed his lead. Andy made a disbelieving sound at Bobby's statement.

"Please the more the merrier. Plus we go on a system where everyone buys a round. You two just save me money in the long run." He laughed leading us across to the larger table, where Jeffs was busy acquiring two more seats. Once we arrived, Andy stood for a moment. "Alright you all know Goren- this is his friend- uh-" he glanced back and I laughed out loud.

"Lewis." I supplied, shoving Andy into his chair. "How many rounds did you buy?" I whispered in his ear as I did so, and he flushed and shrugged angelically. Straightening, I shook my head. "Lewis restores old cars- he did Goren's. Lewis this is our sarge, Mike- and next to her is Dick. Then there's Andy- who fails to introduce himself wherever he goes- next to him is Joe and that's Jeffs." After making quick introductions, I sat myself down in front of my coffee and Bobby and Lish took the seats on either side of me. Lish indicated that Lewis should sit next to her and I giggled under my breath.

"How are things of at NEU, Goren?" Dick spoke with a grin and Bobby shrugged.

"Usual. We had a fairly big bust last week- netted quite a few front runners and some cooks." Bobby spoke in a modest tone, and I glanced over at him, knowing that he had been undercover for two weeks before the bust he spoke of. It had been a rough time for him- he spoke even less than usual and often only saw me in the middle of night when he slid into bed, only to be gone before I even woke.

"I heard about that- sounded rough man." Joe spoke from across the table and Bobby shrugged, pulling my coffee toward him , picking up sugar packets and opening them one by one and pouring them in. When he had finished, he slid it in front of me and I smiled my thanks.

"Just the usual. It's been crazy lately- lots going down."

"You've been with NEU, what? Over three years now?" Dick asked in curiosity, glancing at Bobby as he took a drink. When Bobby nodded Dick smiled slightly. "You moving soon?" I was startled by Bobby's nod in response, but I managed to keep the shock off my face.

"I'm going for a detective position with Homicide. Won't know til the new year though." Dick nodded, taking another drink and leaning forward.

"That's great man. You'll do well, I think." Mike leaned forward beside him, putting a hand on his arm and glancing at me.

"Enough shop talk." She spoke in a loud tone. "I came here to get drunk off my ass and forget about what we do- remember?"

"You never get drunk off your ass Mike." Dick grinned back at her. "You always complain too much in the morning." At which statement Joe and Andy made various noises, none of them too appealing. "Joe-" Dick glared at Conner to shut him up. "It's your turn to buy. And get Alex another-" He glanced at my frown and laughed. "Come on Heidi- it's freaking Christmas- I think it can be a two drink night. We'll take care of you." He laughed with a wink and I shook my head, smiling back at him.

"Heidi?" Lewis spoke in a confused tone and Lish laughed.

"That's Alex. When she started work she had some long ass hair- practically down to her waist- we had to cut it off her, but the name stuck. Actually almost no one here is going by their real name. We're nicknamers, what can we say? For example- Jeffs is actually Thomas Jefferson- apparently his parents hated him-" She laughed and Jeffs flushed at her words. "Dick is actually-"

"Don't you dare Lish, I will kill you." Dick spoke in a menacing tone but Lish laughed and Mike leaned forward.

"Ulysses. Ulysses Richards- so you can see why he doesn't mind Dick. And I'm Michaela- but Mike for short- and Lish is actually Alicia. The only ones who escape the nicknames are Andy and Joe. Cause- well they're an Andy and a Joe- you really can't do to much to that." Dick shoved her as she spoke, but she just laughed, finishing her beer.

"You are so not-"

"Finishing that sentence? And we all thank you for it Dick." Andy spoke loudly over Dick and the group laughed. Conner chose that moment to return with drinks, passing them around. Seating himself, he leaned over Jeffs, and addressed Lewis.

"So- cars huh? I've seen Goren's Charger- it's a sweet ride. What's your favorite?" Lewis and Joe began discussing various cars, as Lish watched with a glare. Bobby leaned in close to my shoulder, whispering in my ear.

"This should be entertaining." I smiled in response, leaning back.

"Like dogs with a bone. My vote's with Lewis though- Joe never paid attention to Lish before today- why start now?" Bobby frowned at my words, turning to me fully as chatter crossed the table.

"So- we're still on for your parent's tomorrow night? You don't think they'll mind that I can't make Christmas day?" he frowned and I smiled, placing a hand on his cheek and leaning closer to him.

"It'll be fine Bobby." He nodded, watching as I spoke in his ear softly.

"Do _you_ mind?" His eyes were watching mine intently and I felt a flush of heat crawl across my skin, which I forestalled with another drink of the margarita Joe had brought back for me.

"No- Bobby. It's not your family- it's mine. One night may be all you can survive." I grinned wryly and he leaned in closer, an expression of concern on his face.

"About the detective thing- I was going to tell you. My Captain just recommended me this week- I didn't know-" His voice was hesitant and I pulled back with a smile, looking into his eyes.

"Bobby- it's not a bad thing- it's a_ great_ thing. Really." I reassured him, before Dick yelled loudly about us paying attention. I groaned, rolling my eyes slightly and turning toward the table. Taking another drink I smiled at Dick to show I was paying attention and he laughed, mouthing 'as if' to me.

* * *

I opened my eyes, wincing at the bright light streaming through the drapes. The next thing I noticed as that my mouth felt like it was stuffed full with cotton. I rolled out of the bed, hitting the floor and crawling toward the door. On my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and find some miracle cure to become human again, I heard Bobby's soft laughter. "I hate you." I muttered as I crawled onto the blissfully cold tile of the bathroom. I frowned, memories from last night rushing back to me.

"I have tylenol, water and fresh coffee." He spoke from the doorway and I pulled myself up to the sink.

"Alright, I love you." I spoke before taking the tylenol and water from him and downing them. Running the water I brushed my teeth, almost moaning in the delight of a fresh mouth. When I finished, I turned to him with a frown. "What the hell happened last night? I could have sworn I didn't drink that much-"

"Dick, Joe and Andy thought it would be hilarious if they bought you doubles instead of singles. They didn't find it so funny when I was threatening to kick their asses- but it was too late then. You were wasted. Thankfully though- you made it here in one piece. How are you feeling?" He rubbed a hand along my back as he spoke, keeping his voice low- a fact I appreciated immensely.

"Like crap. Like really pissed off crap. And I'll kick their asses myself on Sunday. Idiots. Now I have to deal with my family _and_ be hung over. I'm going to hurt them." I muttered, walking halfway up the hall before realizing I had no clothes on, except my socks. Glancing down I frowned, and turned back to the bedroom. Bobby's laughter echoed after me and I stuck my tongue out at him. Re emerging in my favorite pajama's – worn flannel pants and a tank top- I wandered back to the kitchen. "Care to explain that?" I asked as he handed me coffee and we sat down. He split the paper up, handing me half with a smile.

"You were sick when you got back- and you kept saying you were hot. Kept taking your clothes off- and I told you it wasn't good for you to lay naked in the bathroom- but you just said you weren't technically naked since you had socks on." I lay my head down on the table at his words, moaning.

"This is why I don't drink." I groaned, lifting my head only to take sips of the hot coffee.

"It wasn't that bad-" He spoke with a smile and I attempted to glare at him. "Well- it's not like you wouldn't have wound up here last night anyway- It was just earlier. However, Lish and Lewis seemed to hit it off- they were going to grab something to eat when we left. She'll probably call you later." I nodded with another moan, and he returned to reading the paper.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, and he glanced at his watch before responding.

"Eleven. So we still have a good four hours before we need to get to your parents. Why don't you go get a bath, or a shower, whichever will wake you more?" I nodded, lifting myself from the table with a groan. He seemed much calmer about meeting my parents today, whereas I was a nervous wreck. I wasn't worried about family reaction- my mother knew how important he was, and she would have groomed everyone else- one thing my mother was was a good ally. If she was already in Bobby's corner- everyone would follow. Stopping suddenly, I leaned down, and kissed him quickly.

"Thanks for taking care of me." I smiled and he nodded with a bemused expression and a chuckle.

"Kisses are great thank you's, but you know what's better?" His voice was teasing and his hand drifted across my back to my rear. I slapped his arm with a smile.

"Bobby- it's the baby Jesus' birthday!" I spoke in a scandalized tone and he laughed.

"No that's tomorrow." He pulled me down onto his lap with a laugh and kissed me roughly, winding his hands through my hair. I moaned into his mouth and shifted slightly.

"Oh all right then." I spoke breathlessly as his mouth traveled lower. "How about we conserve water then?" I grinned and he stood up with a nod.

"Know what's a great remedy for headaches?" He muttered and I laughed as he carried me down the hallway – my momentary worry about my family gone.


	10. Just As Fair

A/N: Another rewritten and rewritten one. But I like it better now, and you all don't mind the wait right? heh- speaking of which, updates won't be as frequent- my family is about to be on vacation for Christmas, and we'll be busy. But I'll try to be as quick as possible. Oh and I keep meaning to mention- I've done two B/A videos over at Youtube- the link is in my profile, so if you like taht sort of thing, check it out. And feedback is much appreciated.

Disclaimer: Not mine,. Don't sue.

* * *

I loved nights like this- where the cold bit your skin slightly, and your breath hung heavy on the air. It cooled my flushed cheeks considerably, which I really needed right now. A houseful of Eames' made for one hot house- and a house filled with drinking Eames' made it worse. We had arrived almost four hours ago- and it was now just after eight. Sean and Mindy had left to take Tommy home- it was past his bedtime. I was finally feeling the effects of the late night last night and exhaustion had set in. So I had escaped outside for a bit of air, which would hopefully wake me up. Last I had checked – which was right before I ducked outside – Bobby and my father had been holed up in his study- exchanging war stories. My dad had served in Nam- he had been drafted and refused to run , much to my mother's dismay. She had always said when he came back- it had changed him. I shivered in the night air and wrapped my coat closer around me.

I hadn't expected it to go this well. I had expected that Bobby would be overwhelmed, after all my whole family was a lot to take. Even for me- but Bobby? Who didn't come from a large family background? At least I assumed he didn't, for all I knew he could have a family of twelve tucked away somewhere, it wasn't something he discussed. The point was I thought this would be harder. More awkward. It hadn't been though. Bobby had immediately been liked by my brothers and father- which made sense. From what I saw of Bobby at work- he fit in well with the good old boys. My mother was practically so in love with him, she might just give me a run for my money. It was him offering to do dishes after supper that did it, I thought. And Liz- well she clearly really liked him, she only tortured those she loved.

I glanced around the yard in contemplation, wondering idly if it would snow tonight. The grass was bathed in a pale blue glow, from the large full moon that was hung in the dark sky. I loved full moons, they seemed to light everything below them up in an almost ethereal way. Everything looked beautiful by moonlight. Almost deceptively so.

"Hiding?" I hadn't heard him come up behind me, so I jumped and possibly screamed a little, turning to glare at him.

"Don't do that!" I spoke in a low tone, smacking his arm as I said it.

"Do what?" He asked, genuinely confused.

"That whole , silent, stealthy, scare the shit out of your girlfriend thing!" He grinned and the light from the moon illuminated his face, he looked happy.

He stepped closer, pulling me against him with a small tug. I fell into him- I didn't really have much of a choice, since I was in heels and there was a thin sheet of ice on the deck. As his arms wrapped around me and I buried my head in his chest, I couldn't honestly say I really minded right at the moment though. His hand stroked my hair for a moment before he tilted my head back and his eyes met mine. "Thanks."

"For what?" I spoke in a whisper, my forehead wrinkling, but still with a slight smile on my face.

"For being here." He smiled softly, lowering his head to mine and placing a soft kiss on my cold lips. As usual, my heart beat speed up at the feel of him underneath me, but I forced my body to relax, knowing that it wouldn't go any further. As I laid my head back down below his shoulder, it occurred to me he wasn't thanking me for being here, physically in this spot right now- but rather, still here as in with him. My arms tightened around his waist as I closed my eyes. Where else would I be? His lips pressed into the top of my hair, right before a snicker crossed the night air, alerting me to the fact that we were no longer alone. Glancing around Bobby, I saw Caleb and Liz tiptoeing across the yard.

"Oh shit." I muttered, and Bobby looked down at me in confusion. I smiled up at him with a laugh. "Some cop you are- the enemy is almost upon us, and you didn't even notice." He glanced over his shoulder and smiled back at me.

"Hey at least they weren't on top of me- where were your cop instincts fifteen minutes ago?"

"That's different." I spoke in a prim tone, my eyes laughing up at him. He arched a brow, and I could practically hear him in my head asking how so? "You're not the enemy- and friendly forces can sneak up on me anytime." My voice was a whisper now, because I knew my siblings would just never let it go if they heard what I was saying. Bobby simply tightened his hold, growling slightly in the back of his throat which sent shivers racing across my skin.

"Alright- break it up. The fun has arrived, so you two need to have three feet between you at all times." Caleb's voice was slightly slurred and I rolled my eyes, stepping out of Bobby's arms and feeling bereft. Caleb would have stepped in and physically separated us though- he was a very touchy feely drinker- when he did drink anyway, which he didn't do often. "Can't be talking to this guy and thinking about his hands all on my big sister-" Caleb laughed loudly, and I grinned watching as Bobby glanced down in surprise, or maybe fear. Possibly both. "And I need to talk to him, because I got us both a beer." He finally finished, presenting the drink to Bobby, who took it with thanks. Not that he really had a choice.

"Wow- and I came with Caleb because he's drunk. And it would be immensely unfair to leave you two alone with him in this state." Liz laughed, watching as Caleb frowned and swung towards her. While he was turned, I took the drink from his hand, pouring it out behind me.

"I am not drunk. I'm merry. It's Christmas so you be merry. They-" he paused for a moment to swallow a breath before continuing. "They even sing songs about it. Merry Christmas- and Happy New Year and all that." He waved a hand and looked down at it frowning. "Didn't I have a drink?"

"You finished and told me to hold your glass, idiot." I spoke in an obvious tone and Caleb blinked, his frown deepening for a moment. Then he smiled and laughed loudly.

"Yeah- I did. Didn't I? Oh look- let's play on the swings! Hey Lex-" He had grasped my sleeve and was dragging me towards the jungle gym. I followed, because if I didn't he would have drug me along the ground regardless. The glass I managed to put on top of the railing before he got to the stairs though. I mouthed 'coffee' back towards the deck and Liz nodded, slipping inside. Bobby trailed after us- as if afraid Caleb would do something. Caleb was annoying and slightly obnoxious when drinking but he had been right earlier. He was always fun. "'Member when we were kids?" He sank down onto one of the swings, pushing off with a foot and waving at me to sit in the other, which I did.

"Is there anything else to that Caleb? Remember _what_ when we were kids?" My tone was exasperated, but my feet naturally pushed off the ground, sending the swing in a gentle arc. Caleb laughed out loud, looking from me to Bobby.

"Yeah- we did- we did a lot of shit when we were kids. Lex used to include me. Sean and Seamus never did but Lexie? She always was there- right Lex? Like this one time-" He was talking to Bobby now, his hands waving and his upper body swaying dangerously in the seat. "Sean and Seamus were gonna climb old smokey- remember that Lex?" He smiled at me and I nodded- glancing at Bobby who was watching with silent laughter as Caleb's hand snuck out and jerked the chain of my swing towards him.

"Uh huh. Old Smokey was this huge ass pine tree in the front yard of our old place. It must have been about fourteen feet tall. I think- I was shorter then, my perception could be off." I explained for Bobby's benefit, knowing Caleb wouldn't.

"Not much shorter" Caleb teased from my left, and I glared while he laughed. "It's nice out here. Way too hot inside, plus Aunt Lisa keeps telling me about her best friends daughter who's so cute and has a great personality. That's woman speak for ugly." I smacked his arm lightly, glaring as he shrugged, gripping the chains and leaning back until his head almost brushed the frosted ground. "Anyway- they were climbing Old Smokey- and Lex was going too- cause where Sean and Seamus went- Lex went. It's been that way forever. But they left her behind this time and she was pissed. I mean _pissed_. So after they got home, she went to climb Old Smokey by herself- which wasn't that smart, everyone knows you climb in pairs. So I said I was going. Now if it had been Sean or Seamus- they'dve laughed at me. Told me I was too scrawny and to get back inside. But Lex let me come. I loved that you took me places." He looked over at me seriously, but the moment was somewhat ruined by the fact that he was upside down. Sitting up he laughed and stopped the swing for a minute.

"So did you make it to the top?" Bobby inquired from where he was leaning against the wooden beam supporting the swings.

"Hell no- we made it eight feet up and I looked down and got terrified. Lex tried to help me, but I slipped and broke my arm in two places. But the next day I was telling everyone who was anyone that I made it eight feet and next time I'd make it to the top." Caleb grinned as he spoke, and I laughed at his words. Bobby just shook his head. "But we moved here before my arm healed." He frowned, looking across the yard at Liz, who was carrying a travel mug in her hands, steam rising up from it. "I still climbed it though. Lex and Seamus helped me- broken arm and all- the day before we moved. I know that was your idea." He looked to me again, and I smiled back in relief. His eyes seemed clearer- and the night air was clearly helping.

"Here Merry." Liz had arrived , shoving the cup into Caleb's hands. "Mom says you're cut off." Caleb grinned, taking a sip and nodding.

"I agree. Hey Lizzie, come swing with us." He drank the coffee quickly, and Bobby watched as he set it on the ground.

"There's only two swings dork." Caleb laughed at her, pulling her down onto his lap and swinging.

"That's ok- I can make room." Liz was laughing and trying to get up, but Caleb wouldn't let go of her, and had both hands on her arms. When he pushed off a second time, they both slid backwards, falling to the ground in a heap.

"You idiot!" Liz was laughing and scrambling off of him. "I hope you hurt your head- you deserve it." She sniffed and I dragged my heels along the grass, stopping the movement of my swing and standing. I stepped over, giving Caleb a hand up, as he rubbed the other hand along the back of his head.

"Well- that hurt like a son of a bitch." He laughed, frowning and looking around for his coffee. Picking it up, he wrapped an arm around Liz, dragging her against him. "Come on Lizzie- lets go see if I can get more coffee. Then you can play piano for us. Eames family sing along!" He shouted and the sound echoed across the still air. "You too Bobby- everyone has to sing- it's tradition. Away in a manger-" He began singing loudly as he dragged Liz back towards the house, his voice deep and reverberating. I turned to Bobby who still had a smile on his face, amazingly enough.

"So- scared yet?" I asked with a grin, and he put an arm over my shoulders much the way Caleb had done to Liz. His hands were gentle though, and I actually leaned into the embrace.

"Should I be?"

"Yes." I answered promptly and he laughed.

"Are we really going to sing?" He spoke hesitantly and I nodded, grinning.

"Yeah- we always do. Then Mom brings out the coffee and hot chocolate- because you can't go to church drunk- there's a law I think- and she feeds everyone again-"

"But we just ate." Bobby protested in disbelief.

"Yeah that was supper- this food is the snacks. Focus Bobby- Irish folks know how to do three things really well. Eat, drink and repent. Oh- which reminds me. If you don't leave by elevenish, my mother _will_ force you to go to mass." I looked up at him, tilting my head back.

"Are you going?" I nodded, it was almost more of a tradition than actual Christmas morning. "Well I'm not leaving without you- so I guess I'm going to church." I halted my steps, turning toward him and he looked down startled.

"I thought you'd go home alone tonight- I mean- you said you had a thing tomorrow- and I didn't-"

"You were planning on staying the night? I mean- that's fine- I was going to drop you off here tomorrow but if you want to stay with your family- we can totally do that-"

"No! No if you can drive me back in the morning, then I'll go home with you." I took his hand in mine and smiled up at him, and he responded by pulling me closer to his large frame.

"Come on you two!" Caleb hollered from the kitchen. "Let's go be merry for Christ's sake!" He laughed, but was cut off. "Ow! Ma- what'd you do that for- Ow! I know! Alright."

I laughed, leading Bobby back into the warmth of the house with a grin. He didn't know what he was in for.

* * *

Seamus had always been the quiet one- Caleb and Sean had always teased and tortured, but Seamus was the one who stuck up for me in his own way, at home and at school. When he slipped up beside me as we all walked towards our church in the cold- Mom never let us drive, saying that at the very least the walk sobered Dad up- I smiled, putting an arm through his. My mother had taken Bobby with her, much to her delight- so I had been walking alone. "You're still here? I feel like I haven't seen you all night." I grinned up at him and he laughed softly.

"Yeah well- you know me. My diversion tactics are at an all time high at Christmas. How've you been?" He looked over at me and I beamed, squeezing his arm.

"I'm good- fine. More than fine. It's Christmas and I'm home, and I'm happy."

"You're disgustingly happy. I suppose we have him to thank for that?" I laughed, and he smiled down at me, slowing our steps. "I just wanted to tell you- I mean I wanted to say- I like him Alex. He seems like a nice guy- but I want you to be careful. I don't want to see you hurt." I smiled, my hand on his arm stilling, and my steps stopping.

"Seamus- thank you. But listen to me- I am so happy right now- if I do get hurt- and I pray that I don't but if I did? It would be worth it. This feeling- right now? Would be worth it." He looked at me seriously before smiling and hugging me.

"Fine- but I still reserve the right to kick his ass if he hurts you." I snorted, moving forward on the slick sidewalk.

"You're welcome to try. I'll say something nice at your funeral." He laughed with me, running a hand over my hair and messing it up. I glared at him, smoothing it back down. "So-" I dropped my voice even though we were half a block behind everyone now. "Did you tell Dad about the transfer?" He frowned and glanced around, shaking his head.

"Lex- it's Christmas. I'm not telling them now."

"Why do you think they'll be mad, Seamus? What you think three cop kids isn't enough for Dad? He has to have four? Do you think he's mad at Liz for not wanting it?" He frowned thoughtfully, and glanced over at me.

"No- of course not. But Liz didn't go through the Academy and be on the Force for years before saying – hey, I didn't really want this so now I'm gonna go do what I want." He sighed softly, looking at the ground as I steered us along the road. "But- I'm twenty eight Lex, and I never wanted to be a cop. I just-"

"Want to do what you dreamed of. And that's fine Seamus- but you need to tell them. You start training in January for goodness sake. One way or another Dad will find out- it should be you telling him, and not some old buddy who heard from a friend about your resignation." We were approaching the large stone church now, and I could see the family huddled in a large group on the stairs, greeting Sean and Mindy and a passed out Tommy who had just arrived.

"I will. Tomorrow, I promise." He hugged me with one arm and we joined everyone else before we all headed inside, seating ourselves in one of the middle pews. My Dad insisted on the middle- not quite the back where the drunks sat- but not nearly the front. I slid in beside Bobby with Liz on the other side of me.

"So- how long has it been since you've been to church?" I laughed whispering in his ear as he flushed.

"Uh- longer than I could count. My Mom would take me as a kid- but she got sick and then couldn't anymore." He whispered back and I slid my hand into his, shocked at the information he had shared.

"I'll help you along. It's mostly Christmas carols tonight anyway, but you can just mumble and listen to me when we get to the profession or the creed." He smiled at me and I opened the book of worship in front of him, turning to the front and handing it to him. "In case you want to cheat." I leaned closer, whispering and he laughed slightly, before leaning back and glancing around with wide eyed wonder. Over his shoulder I saw my mother watching us. When she noticed my stare she simply smiled, nodding and leaning back next to Dad to watch as the service commenced.

* * *

Afterwards, it had been a rush to leave the church. Once we had arrived home, I had hugged everyone, telling them I'd be there in the morning. My mother had walked us to the car, giving me one last hug before I left. She held me against her, and I had hugged back, she smelled like spices and ginger and home.

"Alexandra- you hold on to him, hm?" Leaning back she placed a hand on my face, blinking quickly. "I couldn't have chosen better. Drive safe, alright?" I nodded with a small smile, and slid into the car, waving as we pulled away. The drive home was mostly silent, as we listened to the carols on the radio, and watched the lights go by. Bobby would comment on a song every now and then, and I would nod, but not really speak about it. Once we arrived at the apartment, and we were inside, I plugged the tree lights in and told him to shut off the other lights. We sat in the dark, and I stared at the lights of the tree with a smile.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into getting a tree." He spoke with a smile I could hear and I snorted.

"I don't believe a lot of _talking _was involved Officer. Or soon to be Detective." He laughed turning his face toward me and nuzzling my neck and ear softly. I shivered at his breath on my skin and shifted closer to him. Tilting my head back and to the side to allow him more room, it still sent a shiver through me when his lips skirted along the skin there. "Mmm.. besides which- you like the tree. What's sad is that you never had one before." His mouth was on my shoulders now, as his hand slid my blouse off of them nimbly, leaving me to wonder when exactly he had undone the buttons. His hands traveled down to my hips, sliding them underneath and lifting me up and towards him so that I was laying down underneath him on the soft carpet by the tree.

"I never- had a reason to celebrate before." His words were whispers broken up by his lips on my overheated skin, and I watched him move, bathed in the multi colored glow from the tree. Placing my hands on either side of his face I pulled him up towards me, kissing him for all I was worth. His hands came up to my hair as I did so, and he moaned into my mouth, which sent another shiver of awareness crawling over my skin. My hips shifted and angled under his, seeking a closeness that wasn't achievable with clothes on. I hooked one leg up and over his hip, groaning when I could feel him better, but not nearly well enough. He rested his forehead against mine, his breathing heavy as his hands traced their way down my back to the clasp on my bra. As he unclasped it, he looked at me in wonder for a moment before his mouth followed the path his hands had taken. I gasped slightly, winding my fingers through his hair and arching up towards him. When he made his way down to the waist of my pants, undoing them and sliding them reverently down my legs, I lay before him, unembarrassed by my total lack of clothes. He looked into my eyes seriously for a beat before leaning down over me and kissing my face softly. "You're the best present I've ever opened." He whispered in my ear softly.

I felt my heart contract at his words- knowing that if I didn't love him already- I sure as hell would have fell at those words. I didn't say anything, for fear if I spoke now, I would say to much. Instead I pulled him towards me, intent on doing a little unwrapping of my own. I wanted to show him how I felt, even if I could never say it out loud. _I love you._


	11. Bond and Free

A/N: Argh I didn't plan on doing Bobby POV chapters, but part of me felt that he needed more explanation, and we're not going to get that through Alex- not soon anyway. So I wrote this for him - the title is also a departure from 'The Road Not Taken' theme - because I sort of feel that poem is Alex's. This title is another Robert Frost poem though, he wrote it at the same time as 'The Road Not Taken' and I felt it was appropriate. So enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue please.

* * *

I hate Christmas. I always have, ever since I was a child. In fact, as far as I can recall, this is the first year I've done anything about it- acknowledged it, participated- sure when I was in the Army I went to the dinners, chewy turkey with soggy stuffing- but I didn't get excited. No packages from home greeted me in the morning, no letters, no phone calls. I was trying this year though- and not for my sake, but for hers. It was an odd feeling, thinking you would never do something and yet finding yourself changing all of your perceptions based on one small person. I never expected her, never saw her coming, but I often found myself watching her sleep, a feeling of relief so intense coming over me that I almost couldn't breathe. Relief that she had come along.

As I walked down the hall I cringed at the wall's pale green color that was supposed to be soothing – I'm sure the center did it's research, hiring designer's familiar with color and how it can affect the mood. If I remembered correctly green in particular was supposed to represent nature, health and renewal. In cooler shades it is supposed to soothe, calm, and represent healing. A perfect choice for a hospital or medical center like this one- but what all the color specialists forget is that if you see something in association with negative stimuli- that thing becomes negative as well. No, I doubted I would ever see green as a calm, soothing color. It only brought up horrible memories for me. My mind wanders towards her upon my next step – wondering if she was happy- having a good day. I laughed slightly- of course she was. Her family- her- they were like some foreign country to me. That type of bond, that type of joy found within the walls of her childhood home. As I stood there last night- I had felt an incredible sense of yearning. Longing to learn that language, master it. I sighed slightly at the thought- wondering if I even could. It wasn't simply another language to learn, like German or French- it was a way of life. An attitude- and so far, I think I almost had her fooled. Convinced that I was a good guy- normal.

I snorted at that thought. Normal. Right- because all my childhood memories are normal. It's normal to have your father run away – leave you and your older brother with a mother who could barely care for herself. It's normal to have the older brother you looked up to, just slide away into darkness, not even bothering to care about those he left behind. I was a kid- I should have been out playing and instead I was dealing with a mother who saw things that weren't there, heard people that weren't talking. It wasn't always bad- as a kid I loved the manic stages. Not that I knew they were manic phases- but I knew there were blocks of days where Mom would be fun. She would run into life with the intent of filling our days as much as possible. Having as much fun as possible, not caring about the consequences. I used to imagine that those times made up for the darker days that came after. The days when she would tell me that it was my fault. She never wanted me, and I made him leave. When she would run after me in the house- screaming that if I was gone he would come back. Days when I would squeeze myself into the corner of a closet, or under my bed- sometimes the attic – I would close my eyes tightly and tell myself the happy times were worth it. That of course I had to pay for them.

Now I knew- I knew it was never her- it was the illness – but it didn't stop the guilt from coming at night. Because in the end- I left too. I couldn't take it anymore- having her repeat the same cycle over and over again, and refusing help. She had told me, right before I signed up for the Army, that she would rather die than admit she was crazy. Even though I pleaded with her- begged her to get help- in the end I had been unable to stay. And so, like my father and brother before me – I left. I was overseas for almost eight years- only coming home when I got a call that she had actually attempted to make her wish come true. She wrote me about it- how she had been standing in the kitchen with the knife in her hand, and suddenly became so convinced that there was something evil and foreign inside her, that she stabbed herself four times. The neighbors had found her, laying in her own blood and had called an ambulance. The day she was released from the hospital she checked herself in here. Because normal people don't stab themselves in a fit of delusion. I had felt sick upon reading it- and so damn guilty. If I had been a good son- if I hadn't been just like my father- I would have been there. And she wouldn't have done that. As I continued down the seemingly never ending hall I felt the weight of that guilt tug down on me. Even now- I would rather be anywhere but here today. I didn't want to sit with her- I didn't want to have to call her everyday, I didn't want to walk into that room, tensing for the inevitable blow. Good day or bad day? Would the meds be working, or would she be in her own world, talking to me- and yet not to me at all. Of course, the guilt ate away at me as I thought these things- just the way it ate at me whenever I was with Alex. Guilt that I didn't tell her- guilt that my visits were becoming more spaced- once a week instead of every other day. Guilt that when I did leave to come here, I longed to be back at home, wrapped in warm arms and gold hair – guilt that while I may still physically be showing up for my mother, emotionally I wasn't even present.

"Merry Christmas Officer Goren!" The day nurse greeted me warmly, and I nodded in response with a smile- wondering at how she can effect so much cheer in a place like this. I think it takes someone special to care for the people here- it's certainly a thankless job. "Oh- Dr. Shimo wanted to speak to you for a moment before you went in to see her this morning. He's in his office." I nodded and thanked her for the message, a secret thrill of relief stirring in me. My steps could turn away from the hall- I could have a brief respite before going in. Knocking on his door, I stepped in at his muttered 'come in'.

"Bobby- good. I wanted to see you before you went in. Frances hasn't been doing to well on her medication- the olanzapine. I've lowered her dosage – but she has had some adverse effects." His face was kind as he spoke gently – a tone he must have to use everyday, but I didn't really care about his issues, I cared about my own. I sank into the chair in front of his desk, my hands tapping along the arms as I thought quickly.

"I've- I've read that they're doing clinical studies on a few new drugs – ah Seroquel and Risperdal? What are the chances we can get her involved in the tests?" His face registers surprise at my question, but only for a moment. By now, he's used to my questions, and my almost rabid reading that I do on her illness. It's how I fight in my own way, I suppose-if I _know_ it I can target it's weakness. I can win. Granted this isn't a battle, and the enemy isn't something tangible, but the law still applies. Knowledge is the best weapon. It what I was trained to obtain in the military, and I find it hard to just leave that behind.

"Well Bobby- those drugs are still in the early stages- we have no idea what their effects are-"

"Could it be worse? Really? I mean her only option now is the olanzapine or nothing. She's suffer from personality disorder side effects, which can only be controlled by the moderation in which you give her the drugs. How could becoming part of a clinical study be much worse?" I rub a hand over my forehead as I speak, pressure beginning to build behind my eyes already. I somehow just know- I know today is not going to be a good day. I close my eyes for the briefest moment, a vision of Alex's skin lit up by red and green lights dancing before my mind's eye.

"I can certainly look into it Bobby- if that's what you wish. I'll call you and let you know if she's a candidate, all right?" I nodded, recognizing the tone of dismissal in his voice. Standing, I can only nod when he says 'Happy Holidays' choking back a sarcastic laugh at the back of my throat. I exit the room, feeling the lead weight sink down once more, dragging me along by an invisible force, until I found myself in front of the one door I don't want to be in front of. I pressed a hand against the wood, before sighing heavily and pushing it open.

* * *

When I got to escape, it took everything in me to force my steps to be calm, and not run from there like the hounds of hell were after me. Once outside I breathed in the night air deeply, feeling the freeing effects immediately. I stood outside my car for a brief moment, leaning against it for support as the events of the day echoed around me. I had been wrong when I thought it would be a bad day- bad didn't even come close to describing it. As soon as I had entered the room, she had demanded to know where my father was. Why wasn't he there, taking care of her? Why was I the one there instead- everyone knew she hadn't wanted me, hadn't wanted to get pregnant. But my father had wanted a girl- the perfect family, a boy, a girl, a happy picture. If I hadn't of been born defective- her rantings had only become more agitated as the day wore on. She had pushed me away, literally and figuratively – had screamed at me – had hit me a few times. It didn't hurt as much as it had when I was a kid- it helped that I grew so large and she seemed to shrink into herself, becoming frailer as the years went by. As she had declared that everything was my fault, and she hated me, and she should have killed me when I was small and she was able- I had repeated the mantra. _It's not her, it's the illness._ Sinking into the leather seats of my car, I frowned. Sometimes I hated that expression. Sometimes I _wanted_ to hate her, blame her. But that just made the guilt claw through me, rising like bile from my stomach to my throat.

Turning the keys in the ignition, I glanced at the clock. It was almost eight and I knew Alex would have left her parents a few hours ago. Dammit- I was supposed to pick her up. I had foolishly hoped that today's visit might be brief. She had kissed me in the car, her skin soft under mine and her smile bright as she told me if it was past six, she would get her father to drive her home. I found myself hoping that when she said home, she meant my place. Hardly a second after I thought it, I prayed she had gone to her own place. All I felt today was a darkness dragging me down – and she didn't need to be subjected to that. As much as I would love to bury myself within her and seek comfort, I wouldn't be able to- the effort to pretend I was fine and everything was normal would cost too much. I drove mindlessly, and when I pulled myself out of my morose thoughts I found that I was in my building parking lot with no clear recollection of how I had gotten there.

Dragging myself inside, I leaned against my door for a moment – just wanting to crawl into bed and have this day be over. As I walked into the silent apartment I felt a brief surge of hope- there was no sound, but even as I thought it, I could smell her. The faint scent of vanilla and spice that she wore lingering in the air. I stood still for a moment, savoring it and hating it's intrusion all at once. Stepping into the living area, I saw why it was so quiet – she was curled up on the sofa, one hand tucked under her face, asleep. The tree was lit up- but it was the only source of light in the room, casting it's cheerful glow on the floor. I glanced at the expanse of rug in front of the tree, my mind filled with images of what I had done to her on it last night- and what she had done to me. My chest tightened for a moment and I felt the heat of tears behind my eyes. I sank to the floor, taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself before I woke her.

I wanted to wake her- I wanted to sit with her hands in my hair like a small child and tell her everything. I wanted to trust that she would stay once I did. But everything in me screamed that she wouldn't. No one else had – why would she? Why would she want to be with a man who couldn't face the thought of having children for fear that history could repeat itself? A man who was putting someone else above her? I sat, watching her even breaths, terror freezing me to the spot. Wanting her to wake- and take the decision out of my hands, wanting her to sleep so I didn't have to face these fears. I sat, unable to move, unable to tear my eyes away. Wanting.

I had to lace my trembling hands together- for fear that they would touch her on their own, tuck the stray hairs behind her ear and trace along her small face, across the high cheekbones and along the slightly turned up nose that was possibly my favorite feature of hers. I stayed perfectly still for a moment, almost shaking with the effort of it. I tried to regulate my breathing to match hers, even and steady, not shuddering and rasping like they had been. When the pattern of my breaths matched hers, I felt a sense of peace invade my heart. It was a feeling I had shied away from at first- but now I was slowly becoming accustomed to.

She had terrified me in the beginning. I never expected to stumble across the compact package of everything I wanted. Not yet- not ever, even. But Fate- or whatever you called it- had a different plan. Yesterday- when we had been in church together, I had listened to the priest's words with avid interest. I had never been very much of a good Catholic – too preoccupied with hiding my mother's affliction from the world as a child – she had stopped attending church the day she felt like their faces were watching her – judging her. The priest had spoken not only about the birth of Christ but the rebirth that would come later. I of course, knew the stories – from being a child, from things I had read in my adulthood – but to hear someone place their confidence in an event that they would not witness- and would never know when it was coming- it had made me wonder. I didn't really believe – but I understood why other people did. Placing trust in the theory that someone else was in control, that everything was done for a reason, even if we didn't see it – it was comforting. Like a parent telling a small child everything would be fine even if it wouldn't. Even if they didn't know – they gave the words as a source of comfort.

Growing up the way I had- I couldn't place faith in or take comfort from the idea that it all had been part of someone's plan. But with Alex's arrival in my life, I often found myself wondering. What if she had transferred to Vice in the new year? She had told me one day – that was what she had originally intended, but her father had convinced her to dive in immediately. If she hadn't listened to him- I wouldn't have met her – and it made me wonder how that one small decision on her part would have affected me, without me ever knowing. Thoughts like that made me wish I could believe. Made me wish that she had been sent here- and I could know that she was for me. I sighed softly, the air stirring the strands of hair over her face. She shifted and mumbled, and I could see the signs that she was waking. I sat frozen, my mind still telling me I had time to run, but my body remaining immobile – unable to flee.

"Bobby?" Her voice was soft and thick with sleep. She blinked once, pushing up slightly as her eyes opened and became alert, traveling across my face. I hated to think of what she saw there- the exhaustion and pain written there clearly. I tensed waiting for the inevitable, the probing questions that would be like a finger pushing into an open wound. She slid off the couch, her body falling to the floor with an unnatural grace. She smiled softly, but she didn't open her mouth or even say anything. She just reached her tiny hands out, pulling me forward, into her embrace. As she cradled my head against her shoulder, her hands ran through my hair and she seemed to rock slightly. I sat still for a moment, still tense, still waiting for the questions. "It's all right Bobby. It will be all right." Her voice was a soft breath against my ear, her tone the soothing lie told to a child.

But I wrapped my arms around her small frame, and felt the pressure , the tension break at her words. I wanted to believe them so badly – that I did the unthinkable. I let myself. I let myself burrow my face into her neck as I struggled for control. I let her hands run over my head and back and I let myself sink into her as she murmured in my ear. I let my tightly wound control go, and I held onto her, praying that she would pull me through. I felt my breathing grow irregular, and felt the hot wetness pressed into her soft skin. Through it all, she didn't move, she didn't get uncomfortable, she just sat with me, silently attending to a wound she did not know.

When I could finally breathe again, I felt lighter- free from the ever present guilt that pressed me down. I looked away from her, not wanting to see her face, not wanting to have to hear the inevitable judgements. But her hands, cool against my heated skin, turned me towards her. When my eyes met hers, I was surprised to see only concern and perhaps something warmer within them. Her hands ran along the sides of my face and she stretched up, pressing a kiss to my forehead gently. She smoothed the hair there back, before taking my hand in hers and standing, pulling me up. She paused to turn out the lights and the room plunged into darkness, but she pulled on my hand again, pulling me through it.

In the bedroom, she slipped under the covers, and I followed her, shedding my cloths, and shedding the events of my day with it. I wrapped my arms around her, watching her face in the pale moonlight with wonder. She hadn't asked. Hadn't blinked. Part of my mind felt a little bereft that she hadn't- but the relief outweighed it.

"When you're ready Bobby- you can tell me. Until then, I'll just be here. Waiting." She snuggled deeper into my arms as her whisper reached me, and I lay on my back, my arms around her and the wind knocked out of me. She didn't not ask because she didn't want to know- she didn't ask because she knew I wouldn't be forced. I felt my heart beat in an irregular pattern, a quick quick slow step. My arm pulled her closer, and I felt her lips brush the skin above my heart, and I knew. That I had to tell her- that I had to risk the loss, because complete trust was a part of this foreign feeling causing my heart to change it's rhythm. But for right now- until that time came, she would be here. As I closed my eyes and became still and silent, I could feel the vibration of her heart beat against my skin. And it was an echo of my own.


	12. And Having Perhaps

A/N: So I wasn't going to post this yet- as technically it's only half a chapter, but then I thought- well, you'd all prefer half a loaf to none, right? I'll post the second part as an individual chapter later, and then maybe combine them after a few days.

Disclaimer: All I want for Christmas is complete control over B/A..

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It was quiet when I woke up – a silent, unnatural hush that seemed to dwarf the room. I paused for a moment, wondering why it was so quiet – until I looked out the window and saw all the snow falling. I pulled the covers higher, up over my shoulders and settled back down. His skin was warm under mine, and I wrapped myself around him like he was my own personal heating pad. I felt him wake up when my feet slid between his legs, seeking warmth. "Jesus Alex!" His indrawn breath made his voice sound like a hiss, and I glanced up innocently to see him glaring at me. "How in the hell do you manage to get cold feet at night?"

"Well- you're hot Bobby- so I always end up sticking them out to cool off. And now they're cold." I felt his chuckle and watched as he shook his head slightly. He glanced out the window, smiling at the sight of the large white flakes drifting aimlessly past the window. After a moment though, the smile slid off his face and his eyes darkened as he looked down at me.

"I'm- I'm sorry about last night Alex- it's just- there's things- I never meant to bring it home." He finished softly, and I rolled my eyes slightly in exasperation.

"Where else would you bring it Bobby?" My voice was soft, and I felt him tense up at my words. "I'm not sorry- at all. I'm glad I was here. But I still don't think you're ready to talk about it." My arms tightened around him as I spoke, trying to reassure him that that was alright. His hand drifted across my skin, warming it and coming to rest at the back of my neck.

"I want to." His voice was barely a whisper, and I glanced up at him in surprise, finding him watching me seriously. "I want to tell you everything – and I've never wanted that before- to share that... I just don't know how. I mean – I know _how_ just not where to start."

I swallowed thickly, amazed at how much the simple fact that he wanted to share with me affected me. Burying my head in his neck, I held onto him tightly. "It doesn't matter where you start Bobby. What matters is that you know that no matter what- nothing you say- or do- is going to make me go anywhere, alright?"

He slid a hand under me, lifting me away and pulling me up to where his head rested, turning both our bodies as he did so, so we were facing each other on our sides. Once I was where he wanted me, his hands came up to frame my face, resting just under my jaw as his thumbs stroked along the delicate skin there. "You can't promise that Alex-"

"I can too. I mean, I can't say I'll always be here Bobby- but I can promise not to leave. Nothing you could say could make me leave." I bit my lip, suddenly nervous – my words were strong, both in feeling and meaning and I knew he sensed that. And maybe it was too soon – too early for him to hear it, but I didn't know any other way to convince him. He closed his eyes for a moment, before lifting them to meet mine once more.

"Tell me something." His eyes pleaded with me, and I shivered under the covers, despite the warmth we provided each other. He needed me to start, and I understood that. The need not to go first – like a child in a roomful of strangers, no one wants to be the first to speak.

I frowned, trying to think of what exactly to tell him. My life was depressingly normal – and probably what he least needed to hear about. "I- uh – I dated the same guy all through high school. Steve Fletcher- he was.. he was one of those guys that was so charming, and yet could be such an ass all at once, you know? I must have broken up with him five or six times in three years. But we always came back." I rolled over onto my back, feeling his eyes on me as I spoke.

"Liz mentioned him- at lunch last month. And you.. you got angry." His voice was soft and close to my ear and I felt his hands drifting along my collar bone, tracing it lightly.

"Yeah." I swallowed roughly, staring at the stucco ceiling as if it held my script. "He- he was a prick. But a good looking one. He would cheat- and I would forgive him, because he had this way of making you feel so loved, you know? Like when you were with him, no one else existed. He also had this way of turning me into this person I didn't like. And it made me do things I normally wouldn't. Like give a shit what people thought- and have sex too early, and run for prom queen." I sighed softly, feeling my words drop into the air and sink. "When we were eighteen, he decided we should do something great to celebrate graduation. So a group of us, went up to this place he knew about- it was a camping trip, and we found the perfect spot- it had a waterfall and a clearing, and it was fun. Everyone but me was drinking – even back then I didn't drink much. Anyway Steve was trashed, and he decided it would be a great idea to climb the back of the waterfall and dive. Everyone else encouraged him, and I followed. I thought it was a stupid idea, it was over twenty feet high. We- we argued at the top. I tried to grab him, but he pushed me away- and- he fell. He hit his head- hard. Everyone was screaming, and all I could do was watch from above."

"What happened?" His hand was still tracing along my chest, but it was moving lower, and tracing circles around my heart now. I closed my eyes for a moment, still seeing the blood pool in the water that day, and hearing Laurie's screams that it was my fault- I had pushed him.

"Dave- one of our friends, took the truck down to a pay phone to call for help. He survived- but the hit was too hard- he was brain damaged. No chance of recovery. For the the first six months I visited every three days, and then it was once a week- and then once every few weeks. Until one day his Mom told me to stop. He didn't know I was there and it was killing me to go see him. I was nineteen, and all I felt was guilt. He died three years ago- when I went to the funeral, his Mom said it was really a blessing. And.. there- that's my sad story." I wiped at my eyes, dragging the back of my hands against them so hard I saw red for a moment.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that right?" I turned my head to look at him, smiling softly. I nodded and he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me tightly. My hand was between us, pinned against his chest, but I didn't mind.

"Tell me something.. happy." I felt him tense and glance down at me in surprise. Clearly he had expected his first story to be more difficult- but I knew that just getting him talking was half the battle- and we could always deal with the other things later.

"Alright." His voice was hesitant, as if he didn't quite know how to wrap his tongue around the words. His brow furrowed and he was silent for a moment, and my heart constricted at the thought that he really needed to think hard to find something happy. I felt the pressure build, the heat burning my eyes as I pressed my lips against his shoulder. "When I was small- I loved winter best. It was odd- because most kids loved summer- no school, you could play outside all day- but I always loved winter. My Mom would get so excited when I was a kid- around November, she would start talking about how she could smell the snow, and she would hum Christmas carols. Every year, she would be walking one day with me- taking me to school or to the park- and she would just stop suddenly. And she'd look down at me and say 'Smell that baby? Smells like snow.' She was always right too. She always knew when it first snowed. Sometimes, she would wake up in the middle of the night. Because it was snowing. Not just any snow, but first snow. When I was seven, she woke me up at two in the morning, and made em get dressed so we could walk. We always walked during the first snow- watched as it fell, light and small, or big and thick. And every time she would tell me about how she loved snow – how when she was a kid – her Daddy was a mean man, and one day he left angry and she prayed and prayed for him to never come back. And it snowed- and his car slid- and he never came back. She said snow was God's answer to her prayer- and every year since then, it was just for her. For us. She just- she loved it. And I still walk- every year, even without her." I watched him swallow heavily, and I slid up, wrapping my arms around him as I did so. I didn't know whether to kiss him, or cry about the fact that his happy story didn't turn out that happy at all.

"Thank you." I settled for pulling his head toward me and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Taking a shaky breath as he did, I glanced around. "Why don't we.. get some breakfast, and then go for a walk? We can get the paper, and you can read it cover to cover like usual." I smiled at him as I spoke. "Come on- you can use the gift Mom left for you." I pulled at his arms as I stood and he looked up in surprise.

"She- they didn't have to-"

"Please, my Mom lives to take care of others. You've just been added to the list." I laughed, pushing him out to the living room before ducking into the washroom. When I emerged, I smiled at the sight of him kneeling under the tree, a smile on his face again. My mom had knitted him a scarf and gloves- and she was an expert at what she did. "Good- the Eames staple gift. We get them every year, which is nice. I'm fairly sure Mom must start work on them in February to get them all done."

"She made these?" He asked incredulously and I nodded with a laugh.

"Yup- she always said with five kids and a cop's salary she needed to learn how to knit and sew. She made a lot of our clothes when we were kids." I continued to talk lightly as we made breakfast, telling him about how my brother Seamus had finally informed my parents he was leaving the police force to become a firefighter yesterday. And the ensuing arguments that had occurred. By the time I had finished telling him about how my father had grudgingly accepted it, while my Mom asked if he was sure he wanted to be a firefighter – maybe he could be an accountant or something equally non life threatening?- we were bundled up and walking along the practically deserted streets.

"I don't think I've even seen New York this quiet." Bobby glanced around with a laugh and I smiled in response as we trudged through the snow that was almost knee deep.

"Yeah well, two feet of snow will deter most people." I grinned as I spoke, and he shook his head in amusement.

"Most people- sure. Others get these insane urges to walk around looking for a paper that probably wasn't delivered to new stands this morning." I glared at him for a moment , tossing my head and walking ahead of him with a sniff, only to slip on an icy patch and fall unceremoniously on my ass. His laughter rang around me and I frowned as I stood again, brushing my coat off.

"Not nice Bobby. You're supposed to help me up like a good man, not laugh at me." He merely shook his head, walking over and helping brush the snow off my coat. I frowned up at him, and he smirked. "Hey! There is snow in places _other_ than my ass, you know?" I smacked his arm lightly, my frown dissolving into a smile.

"What? There was a lot of snow there, what can I say?" My lips twitched with laughter as I tried to appear mad. Glancing around I saw that the news stands around us were all closed.

"Alright- so no paper. What now? I don't want to go home yet- it's nice out here." And it really was, it was like being inside a snow globe of New York, with large flakes falling all around us. It was cold- my cheeks were already numb, but I didn't mind the cold- I just readjusted my scarf around my neck and buried my face in it.

"Well- Lewis' place is only five blocks away- it'd take a while, but I haven't seen him since the bar.." I nodded, pulling him along behind me in the general direction he had indicated. "Alex- Alex, we need to go left here." His voice was muffled with laughter and I turned according to his directions, still dragging him behind me.

"You know, for the taller person you sure are a slow walker." I tossed over my shoulder, only to have his arm pulled from my grip. I turned to see where he was when I was grabbed and lifted over his shoulder. I screamed slightly, beating my hands off of his back.

"I'm not slow, I'm adjusting my pace for _you_ pipsqueak." His laughter was cut off by me kicking my feet precariously close to areas he didn't want kicked. "Jesus Alex- no kicking, please?"

"Then drop me flagpole. And don't call me pipsqueak." I muttered as an afterthought, my mutter changing to a squeal as he dropped me in a snow bank. By the time I got up, he had already run, and I chased him – threatening his life with every other breath. By the time we reached Lewis' shop- we were both covered in snow. He was a faster runner than I was, but growing up with three brothers had perfected my snowball aim. "You are so dead Goren- just you wait- once I defrost, I'm kicking your ass."

"You can certainly _try_ Eames- but I somehow doubt it'll happen." His mocking reply floated down the stairs after him, and I paused to glare at his back even though he wasn't looking at me. When I arrived at the top of the stairs, I grabbed his hand to stop him from knocking.

"Is this a good idea- I mean Lewis _is_ a guy who lives alone. He may not be home, or he may not be alone, or he may not want us here-"

"Are you kidding me? I just walked ten blocks in a freaking blizzard, the least he can do is let us in, I don't care if he has a dead body in there." I laughed lightly, releasing his arm and giving him a quick cold kiss.

"Doesn't mean I forgive you, just that you're cute when you talk like a New Yorker." He rolled his eyes and knocked, and I laughed, teasing him about how I was rubbing off on him.

"Well after all that rubbing some things were bound to-" His voice died as Lewis answered the door clad only in his boxers. A smirk spread across his face as Lewis looked from him to me, and turned an odd shade of deep red. "Merry Christmas." Bobby grinned, laughing at Leiws' expression.

"Lewis, who is it?" A voice I recognized floated from the left and I covered my mouth, trying to choke my laughter as Lish walked out from behind him, wrapped in a man's robe with her hair still mussed.

"Merry Christmas indeed." I managed to get out with a straight face before I made the mistake of looking at Bobby and dissolving into laughter. _This should be an interesting visit._


	13. The Better Claim

A/N: So I sat down to write this and almost hurt myself- this chapter did not want to go the way I wanted it to- but overall I think it turned out alright. Sorry about the long break between chapters- but I hope you all had a great holiday. Chapters will trickle along more quickly now, but not as quickly as before I don't think.

Disclaimer: Didn't get them for Christmas. Dang it.

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"I'm going to kill you. Stop laughing I am serious!" Her voice was plaintive and she glared down at me while wrenching the taps and filling the decanter with water. We had left Bobby and Lewis out in the living room, and I for one had no intention of going back out there without the full story. They could just wait. "Alex – it is not funny! There is nothing funny about it!" I fought to stop laughing but it was a difficult thing to do. Not that the situation was funny at all – if Lewis made Lish happy and vice versa I was truly happy for them, but Lish had been so flustered by our appearance and Bobby subsequent not so subtle questioning that it was hard not to laugh.

"I'm sorry- your face- and when he asked you-"

"You're right. I'm not going to kill you, I'm going to kill your boyfriend." She muttered irritably as she measured out the coffee and smacked the button on the machine to start the brewing process.

"Woah there Mustang Sally- I can't let you do that." I spoke in a serious tone, my face dropping into a stern look. She faltered for a moment staring at me in disbelief until she saw the mirth dancing through my eyes. Muttering obscenities at me, she leaned against the counter holding her hands out in a submissive gesture. "Alright fine- seriously- and tactfully since Bobby doesn't appear to know the meaning of the word-" She snorted in response to my statement and I chuckled dryly. 'This was.. unexpected. So what happened?"

"You think it wasn't unexpected for me too? I mean-" her voice lowered and she leaned forward across the counter. "I thought he was a nice guy- cute but mostly I just wanted to prove to myself I could get over Joe if I needed to." She was whispering now, and I stared at her with a sinking feeling. When she looked up at me though her eyes were filled with shame. "I'm such an idiot Alex. I asked him out that night in the bar, you know- it wasn't like I had anything to do on Christmas Eve- and it turns out he didn't either since Bobby was pretty much the only family he has left. I did it to prove something to myself and it all .. got so crazy after that. When we were out alone, I realized that I actually _liked_ him. More than like actually- he made my heart beat really fast and I couldn't stop smiling the whole night. I was nervous and excited and terrified all at once." She paused looking embarrassed for a moment. "I sound like an idiot, I know-"

"No you don't. I know exactly what you mean. We'll skip the first date details and the idiocy within them and get to the good stuff please." She glared at me and I laughed gently, waiting for her to continue.

"Well-" She huffed slightly still pinning me down with her irritation. "I didn't do anything stupid- much- there was one- never mind. Anyway at the end of the night he took me home and kissed me goodnight and that was it, I swear."

"And?"

"And what? I did not sleep with him on the first date!"

"Whatever- how was the kiss? Must have been great if you're here-"

"Shut up! And it was fan-freaking-tastic. You wouldn't know it to look at him but damn the man can kiss, he does this whole thing with his hands and- wait. That's not part of the story." She glared weakly and I frowned in response.

"It's part of the _fun_ story." I muttered and she smacked my arm.

"What like you're not getting enough x-rated material in your life? You have no need to live vicariously through me." I waved a hand airily and she laughed slightly. "Whatever- anyway he took me out again on Christmas Day- well he cooked me a turkey actually- it was great." She grinned slowly, and once she started smiling it seemed like she had a difficult time getting it off her face. "We talked- a lot on both dates. About his childhood and mine, and his business and his goals- he's actually really interesting. And an expert in restoring cars- he can tell make and model just from original tires- plus-"

"Alright- he's great I believe you! Would you get to the dirty parts now please?!"

"You're disgusting." She pointed a finger at me and I laughed.

"Sorry if you wanted a sensitive, 'how did he make you _feel_?' kind of girlfriend you chose wrong." She rolled her eyes and leaned back slightly.

"So nothing happened Christmas Day either. Today he invited me over- we were going to watch bad Christmas specials and ignore the general cheer around us- since I wasn't able to be home and he doesn't really celebrate Christmas anyway- and we did watch some stuff- but I don't know what happened? One minute we were talking on the sofa and I was thinking how _great_ he smelled- it should be wrong for men to smell that great you know?" She frowned and I giggled slightly.

"Well the sense of smell is a powerful aphrodisiac- all animals operate on it." She stared at me for a moment and I shrugged.

"You're starting to sound like him you know. I'm just saying." She held her hands up and arched a brow at me as I laughed. "How are you guys doing anyway? Was your Christmas good?"

"Good, bad and wonderful all at once." I replied dryly, pouring myself a cup of the now brewed coffee. "Christmas Eve was great- Christmas Day was a little rough, but today's been great so far. Bobby just- he just- he has a hard time sometimes. Plus he visited his Mom and she's sick- it couldn't have been fun for him." I spoke simply, frowning as I took a sip. I took a deep breath, wondering if I should have mentioned that but Lish look unsurprised by the news- so maybe Lewis had told her- theoretically she could know more than me. I was opening my mouth to ask when he appeared by the doorway. I took one look at his face and knew something had happened- he had that super calm face on, the one that meant he didn't want anyone to see how he was really feeling at the moment.

"Are you guys growing your own beans in here? Coffee doesn't normally take this long." Lewis appeared from around the door frame as well and I grinned.

"No but details do." I laughed as I watched Lewis turn a dull shade of red. "All good- no worries." I laughed, covering the sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach as I felt Bobby's eye son me. If he had overheard what I said to Lish- _shit._ Of course he'd think I was just gossiping- but it wasn't like I would talk about it with everyone- despite how things appeared. Lish was one of my best friends- and frankly I needed someone to talk to about it. Because if I couldn't vent my frustration about his complete lack of communication somewhere, I'd vent it at him, and I didn't want that. I sighed soundlessly, watching as Lewis came to stand by Lish and wanting to sigh more deeply when Bobby hovered by the door. I could feel Lish's eye son me and see her slight frown. I could practically see the words written across her face. 'What's wrong?' I shrugged, placing my cup on the counter gently.

"We'll leave you guys alone- you probably weren't counting on things like company or getting dressed today." I smiled slightly, turning and walking past him to pull my still damp coat on. Bobby followed my lead slightly, telling Lewis he would call him, before exiting with me.

Once outside the city seemed even more quiet, but it was less of a magical hush now and more of a strained silence. Proof that your emotional state really did alter your perception, I suppose. I frowned, walking swiftly to keep up with him, not breaking the silence. The walk was done efficiently, none of the laughter we had indulged in on the way- just getting from point A to point B. A half hour later when we entered his apartment I stood, silent and nervous, and wondering if I should even be there.

He removed his coat and shoes in a tense silence, seating himself on the edge of the sofa, and running a hand through his hair roughly. I was still standing there- with my coat and shoes on, still unsure if I should fight or flee. The urges fought within me, one side saying he needed time alone, and the other side arguing that if I gave it to him he would retreat and we might never get here again. Sighing I toed my boots off, shrugging out of my coat and going to sit on the edge of the coffee table, directly in front of him. I was fairly certain by now that he'd heard me talking with Lish- otherwise he wouldn't be like this.

"I'm sorry if you think I shouldn't discuss these things with Lish- but she's my friend and I need to talk to-"

"How long have you known? Who told you?" His voice was harsh and cut through my words like they were brittle paper. I swallowed nervously, unsure if he was angry that I knew or if he was angry that I didn't ask him first. He pressed a fist to his mouth as if to stifle words he didn't want to say and I felt a surge of irrational anger. I pulled his hand down, my eyes challenging him to speak whatever he was trying to hold back. His dark eyes met mine and his gaze sharpened to a glare at my silence. Challenge accepted. He stood abruptly, towering over me in his agitation. "Because- because _I_ didn't tell you Alex. I never told you where I was going or that she was sick- so- so how did you know? Who told you?" I swallowed my rage, attempting to calm myself. It wasn't his words that angered me really- it was what he still wasn't saying. Who told me, because clearly he didn't trust me enough to tell me himself. The fact that he was shocked that I knew at all spoke volumes about what he thought of me-

"_You did_." My voice was low and I stood as well, unwilling to cower before him. "I'm a cop Bobby- I figure shit out. You're gone ever week- once a week. Every time it's for three or four hours- every time you avoid telling me where you're going. You never talk about it. Add that to the fact that you never talk about your family- At first I thought you were either cheating on me or-" I stopped the flow of words before I could do permanent damage. He stiffened momentarily, before turning and starting to pace. Something that I hated because it broke any contact or connection between us- but he knew that and that's why he did it. I took a deep slow breath trying to calm myself. "I knew it wasn't that- you wouldn't do that. Christmas Eve you mentioned your Mom being sick- and even thought you talked about her like she was dead Bobby- I knew then. It made sense. I didn't ask anyone about it- I didn't find out behind your back- you just dropped enough clues for me to figure it out." His steps seemed to slow and I could see the wheels turning in his head, calculating the problem out and coming to a conclusion.

"You- you figured it out." He spoke slowly, haltingly and I just stood there, unwilling to help him along. "On your own. You figured- Lewis didn't- or-" He sighed roughly, shoving a hand up through his hair as he came to a stop, the other one resting on his hip. "I thought-" He looked over at me, his eyes pleading for help. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him mutely, unable, or unwilling to help him. "I'm sorry that I thought you went behind my back- but I'd- I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't talk to anyone about it-" His voice was halting and I frowned slightly.

"Lish knew Bobby – so either Lewis told her or someone else did, I don't know. Seeing as I don't know that much to tell I wouldn't be too worried anyway." My voice was still tight with anger. He swallowed and took a tentative step toward me.

"I want- Alex- I want to tell you- but I've never.. Lewis, he knew because we grew up together-" He came to a stop in front of me and I sighed soundlessly. He still didn't want to tell me. _ It's his choice Alex. You can't force him to talk and if you do- you could lose him. _ My chest seemed to tighten at the very thought of it and I blinked rapidly trying to hold back tears. He just couldn't seem to let anyone in, and I closed my eyes tightly, unable to look at him watching me with such pain reflected in his eyes. "Alex- please I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you but I can't- it scares me." His voice was a whisper that stirred the hair by my ear as I felt it tickle the skin there. His hands had found their way to my waist and I felt myself lean against him, allowing his to slide the hands up my back, pulling me closer. "Alex..."

" _Relationships are difficult. They're exhausting and draining and sometimes you wonder why you do it. But nothing worth having ever comes easy, Lexie. But as difficult as it gets, those times when you want to give in, and give up. Remember this- remember that moment Lexie. Hold it in your heart and remember why you are fighting. Why you are working so hard."_ My mother's voice seemed to echo in my head, and I turned my head against his chest, waiting for it. It echoed in my ear resoundingly, the reassuring beat of his heat beneath my head, and I stood silently pulling my hands from my sides and wrapping them around him. He wasn't ready, and I couldn't push because the thought of facing a world without him almost physically hurt me.

"I told you when you were ready Bobby. I meant it." My voice was a small whisper, my head still turned against his chest, listening to the echo of his heartbeat. I knew he heard me though because I felt the tension draining from his body as his arms tightened around me. I leaned back, looking up at him with a small smile. His hands came away from my waist and he cradled my face in them gently, pressing a hard kiss against my skin.

"Soon." It was the only thing he whispered as he wrapped his arms around me once again, and I nodded, knowing it was more than a promise. Soon.


	14. Wanted Wear

A/N: Alright I'm... not sure about this chapter. I had a list of things that needed to happen and I got them all, and I'm happy with the beginning but I'm not sure about the end. It was supposed to be fluffier and less... depressing. But Alex was all depressed- and I couldn't change her tone no matter how I tried. Sigh.

Disclaimer: They're still not mine- and I'm as depressed as Alex about it.

* * *

"So here we are, two happily committed women – surrounded by nothing but hot available men." Lish spoke with a sigh as she collapsed into a chair at my desk. I snorted in response, glancing around the room.

"Where?" My voice was dry and she laughed at my tone. A wadded up ball of paper hit my head and when I looked up with a glare Dick was pointing at Andy who sat twiddling his thumbs with an angelic expression. When I threw it back at him he frowned fiercely at me, catching it easily.

"Just expressing my opinion that I am a very hot and available man." He grinned and winked before answering his phone which had started to ring. Turning back to Lish I rolled my eyes slightly and muttered under my breath.

"I didn't mean _here_. Just that it seems like as soon as you start dating a ton of guys hit on you. Why in the hell is that?" I laughed slightly glancing across at Lish with a grin.

"I don;'t know. Maybe they're testing you. Who knows- although I'm a bit pissed that I don't seem to be getting all these offers." I glanced down at my front self consciously and then glanced at Lish's decidedly more endowed self. "Then again- I'm not really surprised."

"Oh shut up." She glared at me while crossing her arms over her chest, causing me to chuckle to myself. "Whatever- so do you guys have anything special planned for this weekend?"

"Yeah – I plan on doing nothing but enjoy my time off after tonight." I frowned at the file in front of me – another young girl arrested for soliciting. She couldn't have been more than fifteen- I hated these cases.

"Alex that's depressing. It's Valentine's Day for fuck's sake!" She looked at me with reproach and I rolled my eyes at her. "Come on- everyone has a date on Valentine's. Hell even Conner found someone desperate enough to date him more than once."

"Hey I can be a charming guy when I need to be." Joe shot from across the room where he was inspecting surveillance equipment with Jeffs.

"Yeah too bad your an ass the rest of the time." Dick shot back, guffawing at his own joke while Andy high fived him despite still being on the phone.

"It's a stupid holiday invented by greeting card companies and only serves to make single people feel pathetic." I growled, slamming the folder shut and turning my full attention to Lish who looked unrepentant.

"Yeah- and you're not single so no need for the crabby speech. What did Bobby not make plans?" I glared harder and she laughed out loud. "Oh he didn't. Nice. Well Lewis booked us a cabin up in-"

"Don't make me kick your ass in the squad room." I spoke evenly through my teeth and she grinned. Conner glance dover, suddenly alert.

"Oh- or you could Eames. You could take her. Come on- girl fight." My glare made him take a step back and turn back to Jeffs who was pointing out the features of the new equipment.

"It doesn't matter what you do Alex- seriously. Who knows, maybe he'll surprise you." I stood, heading for the locker room with a frown.

"Whatever- come on guys- we need to be ready to roll in a bit." I threw over my shoulder as I stepped into the locker room to change into my undercover gear. It wasn't so much that the whole Valentine's thing bugged me- it didn't really. I was looking forward to a weekend off and it was the first time in six weeks that Bobby and I had the same days off. Just spending time with each other would be great. Since his promotion he was working mostly days- of course he still got calls at night- but for the most part he was forced to work daylight hours since that was the best time to investigate. Which unfortunately for us meant we saw each other very little- he worked opposite hours to mine.

I pulled my boots on, my frown deepening as I did so. I had just been more irritable than usual lately- and it was beginning to show. The fact that Lish was completely in love with and totally happy with Lewis didn't really help my mood much. I muttered to myself as I zipped my boots and didn't hear the door open so when Andy sat next to me, I gave a small scream and glared at him. "You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry girl. Hey- how are you- really?" His tone was concerned and his gaze held mine until I forced myself to relax and smile.

"I'm fine- I'll be fine. Just moody I guess- it hasn't been the best month so far. And I hate February as a rule. It's cold and dirty and sloshy and just.. blah." His arm wrapped around my shoulders as he gave me a tight hug from the side.

"It'll be spring soon Heidi. Then you can have pigtails and burst into song." I laughed weakly and he glanced at me seriously. "If you need to talk though- you know I'm good for it right? I would never discuss anything- you're my girl." To my horror I felt the threat of tears pricking the back of my eyes at his words. I bit my lip to stop them and nodded at him, hugging him briefly.

"I know. Thanks Andy."

* * *

I frowned at the slush that was trying desperately to seep it's way into my boots, making my feet feel like ice slabs with heels. I sighed softly – despite the weather being shitty we had collared quite a few johns tonight. _Guess Valentine's makes them feel romantic._ I snorted under my breath, bringing my hands up to my face and breathing on them to warm them up. I thought longingly of my mittens at home, wishing that just for once it wouldn't look ridiculous for a hooker to have a mini skirt on with mittens. I was freezing my ass off, especially since the leather coat I wore did nothing to warm me – and since I was wearing practically nothing under it – it was a bit like standing outside in my coat and nothing else. Plus I was tired – which lead to me barely being able to stand up, let alone look like I was hot to trot.

Leaning against a rough brick wall I laid my head against it, wondering how much time I had left exactly. Hookers surprisingly didn't really wear watches either- although you'd think in a trade where you charged by the hour it would be a useful tool. "Not much longer girl." Andy's voice sounded in my ear and I smiled weakly, burying my hands in my jacket pockets and my face into my collar. As I scanned the street out of habit – it often paid to keep an eye on the other girls and some of the johns as well – I frowned slightly at the sight of a man across the street scurrying away from a doorway. I could barely make him out in the lack of light, but he seemed to have an unnatural air of excitement around him as he turned the corner and disappeared. My eyes rested on the doorway he had come out of with a sense of unease.

I glanced over at the van, indicating silently that I was going over there. As I crossed the street Dick's voice warned me to be careful. The door he had exited lead to an empty storefront – some girls took refuge from the cold here, while others had set up a mattress in the dirty back room for those johns who didn't care to pay for a motel or didn't have a car. When I entered the dark empty room, the hairs on the back of my neck stood straight up, and I pulled my gun from the concealed pocket I kept it in inside my battered leather coat. Advancing into the room with my weapon drawn I called out, peering into the darkness. My voice echoed around, ricocheting off walls and reverberating in the eerie silence. The air in the room seemed to hang thick and heavy- and yet something was causing sparks to run down my spine, chilling me and making me tightly aware of every small sound.

When I reached the back room, I smelled it before I opened the door. Blood – the scent was thick on the air like copper and as I pushed open the door to see the small girl laying there in the pool of it I sighed softly and replaced the safety on my gun, easing it back into position. Speaking into the wire also housed into my jacket, I informed Andy and Dick of what I found, and waited for them to arrive.

I didn't go into the room- just stood by the door my eyes taking in every detail, from the way her body was twisted to the deep stab wounds that littered her abdomen – the edges of each cut swelling out slightly, an ugly imprint of the violent action. "Eames!" Andy's voice shouted from the front and I hollered back, indicating where I was. He came up to me, covering his mouth slightly at the sight and pulling on my arm. "Are you all right? Dick radioed central- a Homicide unit is on the way along with backup." I nodded, not taking my eyes off of the small figure laying on the thin mattress, dirtied with her own blood and lord knew what else.

"She's so young- couldn't be more than fourteen." I sighed in a weary tone. "Jesus – she didn't deserve this. Nobody does." I rubbed a hand over my face, stepping back as the backup officers came in taping the scene and radioing for the M.E. Andy lead me to the front again, an arm on my shoulders and a hand on my elbow.

"Did you get a good look at the guy?" His voice was low and I shrugged slightly under his hands.

"It was dark- I mean I got a look at him, I just don't think it'll be enough." Dick stepped up to my other side as I spoke and he waited for me to finish before speaking.

"I called Mike- she said we're going back in once we're done here- Homicide will want to interview you though Alex, so we need to wait." He patted my shoulder awkwardly and I smiled weakly at him. I closed my eyes for a minute fighting the exhaustion that seemed to settle over me for a moment. "Eames- are you alright?" I nodded numbly, not wanting to speak out loud. A flurry of activity by the door told me that homicide had arrived.

"Alex?" I glanced up to see Bobby's concerned face and made an effort to smile, if only to reassure him. "Are you alright?"

"Well I'm not the dead one, so yeah- I'd say I'm doing fine." I spoke wryly and I watched as his eyes scanned over me before glancing to the back room. I could practically see his skin crawling to go back there, but he had made sure I was alright first. "I'm fine Bobby. Go." My voice was stronger this time, more firm and he glanced at me once before nodding and striding to the back room, pulling a pair of gloves on as he did so.

"So you're Goren's girlfriend. Nice." I glance dover to the man standing in front of me now, he was a smaller man-not tiny but only about five eleven with slicked back black hair and a sneer plastered on his face. I decided right away that he was an asshole- I knew Bobby had been having issues working with the guy- but I assumed he was just settling in. Apparently I was wrong. "Detective Pierce. All right if I ask you a few questions?" His eyes traveled across my exposed skin as he spoke and I felt an urge to smack him but I simply nodded. Andy on the other hand, had removed his own coat and wrapped it around me, glaring at Pierce as he did so. Pierce however, ignored him, opening a notebook and clicking a pen. "You found her?"

"Yeah- I was working across the street- and I saw a guy exit the building. He looked to be about five foot ten, dark hair, definitely caucasian. He was dressed in dark pants and no jacket- just a sweater. He seemed ... almost excited I guess. His movements were quick, kind of jerky and he was walking fast. Something about him made me suspicious."

"So you checked the place out based on a suspicion?" His tone was slight laced with contempt and Dick glared at him from the left of me.

"Yeah- it's called instinct. _Good_ cops have it." His face was a stone mask as he spoke and I placed a hand on his arm, silently urging him to back off.

"I let my backup know I was going in and when I came in I drew my weapon. No one was in the front, and nothing seemed disturbed, so I continued into the back. When I got back there I could smell the blood first- when I opened the door I saw here there and informed my backup of what I found. I didn't enter the room- I didn't disturb anything back there." He cocked and eyebrow at me, scribbling this in his notebook and nodding.

"How did you know she was dead? If you didn't check."

"She wasn't breathing – and her wounds weren't bleeding. My guess is she's been dead for a little over an hour maybe." He glared over the edge of his notes at me and I bit the inside of my cheek. Lord no wonder Bobby was so depressed about work- if I was working with this ass I would have shot myself by now. No- I would have shot him. Pierce was flipping the book shut with an air of finality now, and he leaned towards me with a grin.

"So- off the record, how can you stand him?"

I frowned in confusion. "Him who?"

"Goren- man that guy is crazy. A few cents short of a dollar if you know what I mean- the way he gets with the db's? It's disgusting. I can barely go back there with him." I felt anger surge through my veins at his words and thankfully felt Andy's hand on my arm, preventing me from decking this prick right in his smug face.

"He's a great detective- his solve rate is through the roof and if his methods are unorthodox- they work. So if I were you, I'd sit back, enjoy the solve rate he's going to give you and shut the fuck up. Off the record of course." My voice was tight and he stepped back with a glare, puffing his chest up and heading towards the back room. I glanced at Andy and Dick, and motioned for them to leave telling them I'd be out in a minute. Heading back to the room, I watched silently as Pierce stood behind Bobby with a look of disgust on his face. Bobby on the other hand was hunched over the girl's body, leaning close by her face and discussing something with the M.E. I frowned watching, realizing her was smelling her breath. As I watched silently, he began to examine her arms, picking them up and stretching them out – looking for track marks probably. The M.E. Pointed something out by the stab wounds, and Bobby leaned closer, inspecting them carefully. Pierce stepped out of the room, coming to stand by me.

"See? A freak." His voice was a strained whisper and I snaked a hand out gripping his arm so tightly it was bound to be almost painful. Looking him in the eyes, I leaned closer.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up." I ground each word out and he tripped backwards, glaring at me and rubbing his forearm.

"You're both psychos." He muttered before heading to the front of the room. I turned to see Bobby exiting the room and removing his gloves while the M.E. Was busy transferring the body into a bag behind him. He smiled when he saw me and came over.

"Hey- sorry about that- I had to examine her here before the M.E took her. It's the third girl killed this way- we might have a serial." He frowned, running a hand along my arms, his expression already thoughtful. I knew he was thinking about the case, and found that I didn't really mind – it wasn't as though I'd been hurt. He frowned down at me suddenly. "Did Pierce interview you?"

"Yup, and wasn't he delightful." I spoke in a dry tone and Bobby grinned at me, leaning closer.

"Glad to know I'm not alone in my opinion." He chuckled slightly, taking my elbow and leading me outside. "Is that Andy's coat?" He spoke softly and I nodded silently. "Good of him-" He was leading my over to the van now, his eyes scanning the area as he spoke. "I'd never seen you in your undercover.. stuff." He waved a hand slightly and I smiled briefly.

"Lucky you."

"Are you going back to the station now?" I nodded and he pulled me closer, placing a light kiss on my brow. "Alright- I'll see you later? I don't know what time I'll be done. Here- take my key. Go to my place, alright?" He pressed the metal into my hand and I nodded silently, causing him to look down at me in concern. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine Bobby. I swear. I'll see you later." His hand lingered on my shoulder for a moment, trailing along my neck as he nodded, before finally stepping back and lifting a hand as I climbed into the van. As I sank into the seat, I resisted the urge to take a small nap, and settled for merely glancing out the back windows watching as the dark streets flew by.

* * *

When I woke up in the morning all that greeted me was the faint scent of him that seemed permanently embedded in his sheets. I smoothed my hand across the empty bed next to me and heaved a sigh- knowing that he hadn't come home at all, and knowing that he probably wouldn't if they had some hot leads on the murder. I frowned, stamping down any irritation at the thought that this was supposed to be our weekend off- and frowned more when I realized it was the fourteenth. Rolling my eyes at myself I dragged my body out of bed – deciding as I stepped into the shower that I would cab it down to the station and pick up breakfast for him at least- he probably wasn't eating- when he got involved in a case at work I was lucky if he remembered how to breathe really.

I dressed quickly, ignoring the lagging feeling that sort of made me just want to crawl back into the bed and hide under the covers – forgetting that this day existed. Instead I called the precinct – finding out from the desk sargeant that yes he was there and his partner had left last night. I sighed – typical of Bobby to stay behind – and hung up the phone before picking it up again to call a cab.

A half hour later I was in front of the precinct house, a bag of food in my hand, steam still rising from into the cold crisp air. I nodded to a few people as I strode in – it was the first time I'd come here since Bobby got transferred but it was also Caleb's old precinct when he had been working beat- so people knew me. I headed up the stairs and into the homicide room when I could see his familiar form, hunched over his desk. The room was at the center of the building, so there were no windows and since Bobby only had his desk lamp on, it was mostly dark.

"Bobby." I touched his shoulder gently and he looked up surprise crossing his face followed quickly by a frown.

"Alex- what are you doing.." His eyes glanced beyond me through the door to the bustle outside of it and he glanced back at me in confusion. "What time is it?"

"Oh about nine thirty." My voice was pleasant as I began pulling out food and setting it on an empty table off to the left of the room. "I brought breakfast- and there's a change of clothes in the bag there- you can take a minute to eat right?" I glanced over briefly as I was pulling a thermos of coffee out of the bottom of the bag. The shocked expression on his face caused my hands to still.

"Alex- I am so sorry – I didn't realize.. we got a lead last night and I-"

"It's alright. Since it's your first offense I'll let you off light- now come over here and eat." He complied with my order, standing and pulling two chairs up. As we sat to eat, he kept watching me almost fearfully. Finally I sighed, putting down my fork and glaring at him. "Bobby, I meant it. I'm not pissed. You care about your work and I get that-"

"Not more than you." His voice was soft and apologetic, and I almost didn't hear him. Placing my hand over his I met his eyes and smiled.

"You think I don't know that?" I leaned across the space between us, while my fingers interlaced with his on the table. Once I was closer I paused, hovering in front of him. "I know that."

He leaned forward kissing me fiercely, his mouth slanting over mine roughly causing the blood to rush through my veins and my mouth to open under his. When he pulled back I was slightly out of breath and leaned into his embrace. "I had a plan for today you know." His voice was a breath in my ear and I could hear the frustration in his tone. "It involved me being there last night and breakfast and a gift.. and I screwed it up."

Leaning back I raised my hand to his face, feeling the rough beard tickle my skin. I smiled at him reassuringly my fingers smoothing the worry from his face. "Well I needed the sleep anyway- I felt like crap yesterday. And there is breakfast- just not at home – and I'm always open for gifts- you know." I grinned at his slight chuckle and he pressed his forehead against mine and was silent for a moment.

"I gave it to you already." I smiled in confusion and he sighed slightly. "Last night- I meant to have it wrapped but I figured I could do that with the one I had right- and I was supposed to say things like how I never thought I would get here and how I know I'm annoying but I'd like you to deal with that on a more permanent basis- it sounded better in the speech I wrote."

I frowned, trying to follow him along the twisted road that his train of thought followed. The only thing he'd given me last night was his key- _oh._ "Oh- oh! Wait- what?" My heart was pounding and I wasn't really sure if where my mind was jumping was where he was waiting or not.

"I wanted- I thought- I mean you're there all the time anyway- and we could save on rent- and we get to see each other so little- I just thought- you'd be nice to come home to." His voice was halting, going in stops and starts as if he needed to force the words out and my mouth quirked at the corners in a mix of exasperation, amusement and love.

"Alright." I nodded slowly and he looked up from where his hand was tracing patterns along the hem of my shirt, twisting and releasing the fabric in rapid succession.

"Alright as in you could make that out, or alright as in-"

"Yes I'll move in." A smile crossed his face, causing his eyes to light up as he leaned forward and proceeded to kiss me breathless all over again.

"Are you sure? I mean, I know your family is-"

"Bobby, it's not the fifties anymore." I spoke dryly, a smile crossing my face. "As long as you don't expect me to vacuum in pearls – or at all really I hate vacuuming – we'll be fine. My Mom already loves you anyway. And my Dad does whatever my Mom tells him to."

His eyes met mine as he nodded slowly, and they traveled over my face intently. As if he were trying to imprint this moment on his mind, filing it away for future reference. I watched him as he watched me and my heart constricted at the look in his eyes. I took a breath, and it hitched in my throat – pausing there and getting stopped by the sheer intensity that was present in his eyes. My heart started racing, foolishly wanting to believe it was love written there- and maybe it was. He looked like he was about to say something, but the spell was broken by the growling that came from his stomach and I giggled softly, glancing down and then at the table.

"You're right- let's eat." My voice was soft in the silence of the room and his grip tightened on me for a moment as if he didn't want to let go, and I held my breath praying silently that he wouldn't. His hands slid along my skin as I slipped away, taking the moment along with with me and leaving me with a sharp sense of disappointment in it's wake.


	15. Though As For That

A/N: I cannot express how difficult this chapter was to write. Not just because it's a big point in the story- but because it just did. not. want. to. happen. This chapter hated me. I must have written it a dozen different ways. As it was it took me writing in fits and starts to get what we have here. Updates should be more frequent after this- because I have nothing but ideas once we get over the hurdle of this chapter.

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

* * *

The sound of the door closing pulled me out of the deep sleep I had been in and I buried my face in the pillow I was laying on in protest. I didn't bother to glance at the clock- I was in bed asleep after my shift at Vice – so I knew it was about three hours past disturbingly late. In my half awake state I smiled at the sound of him creeping down the hall. At some point he must of ran into something because there was a muffled thud and the sound of him immediately shushing whatever it was. I frowned and hugged my pillow closer, unwilling to give up on trying to go back to sleep, but his attempt to be quiet was waking me more than if he had just entered our apartment normally. I grinned slightly at the thought. _Our apartment_. It had become officially official almost two weeks ago. I had moved all my things in, and my old apartment had been sub let.

The door hinges squealed slightly as he crept in through it in his sock feet. The room was dim, but I saw him glare at the door as he tip toes towards the bed, unbuttoning his shirt on the way and discarding it. When he reached the side of the bed he eased his pants off, along with his socks, before he slid under the covers to lay on his back. I pushed the pillow I had been sleeping on aside and slid across the space between us, replacing the fluffy cotton with a more solid pillow of warm flesh and muscle. His heartbeat echoed reassuringly in my ear, and I felt him tense in surprise when I first touched him.

"Oh shit- did I wake you?" His voice was a whisper in the dark room, which seemed a bit funny to me- it was only us, and we were both awake, so why whisper?

"Door." I mumbled sleepily, still not quite as fully awake as I knew I would be in a minute or two. "Bad work?" I questioned him incohereantly, but he must have understood what I meant, because I felt his arm wrap around me and heard him smile.

"Another girl died." His voice was tired and I felt the last vestiges of sleep escape me as I looked up at him blinking.

"One of mine?" I asked worriedly. Since the killing of prostitutes had increased, so had our shifts on the streets. All Vice units were out- only it was less of a sting now and more of a protection operation. Bobby and I had argued endlessly over it when Mike informed Lish and I that we would be out every night. He hated the idea of us being out there- but we were the front line so to speak. We could protect those girls, we could catch the twisted freak who seemed to enjoy carving them up. I had made Andy stop at a store on our first night out after we discovered the body. I had bought a set of small silver whistles and red ribbon, and had handed them out to the women who walked my area. Generally, as a rule, prostitutes mostly ignored each other- but I had given them out anyway- saying that if one of us were in trouble the others would hear it- and could at least get help. Many had scoffed, stating that the cops wouldn't help- hell they hadn't caught the guy yet had they? But some- thankfully most of the younger girls had taken them, and wore them around their necks religiously. And now I walked up and down the street watching them, instead of looking for johns. At one point or another, someone would realize and put two and two together, but so far neither Lish or I had been made.

"No." His voice was tight and his hand trailed across my shoulder as he paused for a moment. "Still-"

"I know." My voice was soft and my hand crept across his waist, hugging him to me. A sigh escaped his lips and he ran a hand across his face in the dark.

"Plus my Mom keeps calling- she doesn't like when I miss visits. It upsets her routine." I bit my lip, not saying anything in response, because what could I really say? Bobby had confided bits and pieces about his past to me lately. More and more actually but he had yet to touch on what exactly was wrong with his mother. He had talked about how his brother had been the best at everything when they were kids. How his father had doted on him, and expected more of him while virtually ignoring Bobby. He had talked about his dad leaving, but not before finding refuge in the nearest available woman. And then the next nearest. And the next. "I don't know what to do. I'm tired- and working like hell. And what am I supposed to do Alex?"

I swallowed nervously, not sure what to say but feeling that if I didn't say something it would be awful. "Bobby- I- I could go. If you'd take me next time- I could-"

"Alex I can't ask you to do that. You don't understand." His tone was a mixture of awe and frustration all at once.

"Then help me understand Bobby." My heart seemed to stop beating for a moment as I held my breath, waiting. My fingers clutched at him, trying not to seem as desperate as I felt, but probably failing. I loved this man, and all I wanted was for him to share everything. And if he did.. if he did then I could find courage in that to reassure him that no matter what, I wouldn't leave him. I loved him.

The silence seemed to stretch out and I could hear his soft breathing. If I hadn't known him so well, I would think he fell asleep, but I knew without looking up that he hadn't. He was thinking. Arguing with himself. Making that thoughtful face where his brows draw closer and he kind of pouts and chews his lip all at once. Idly, I wondered if his hands which were currently occupied with my hip and hair respectively, were itching to trace his lower lip. As the seconds lengthened into minutes, I felt my skin grow clammy and a slightly sick feeling enter my stomach. I had buyers remorse, or would it be speakers remorse? I had pushed when I promised I wouldn't and now I found myself in that silent vacuum of time awaiting judgment. Opening my mouth to call it off or take it back, or tell him I was high or half asleep- any excuse would do, I was cut off by his slow response.

"Alright." He slid away from me, turning onto his side and sliding down so that we were literally eye to eye he stopped. Pausing for what seemed an eternity before he spoke again. "I wa- I was nine when I first noticed it. That my Mom was different. I suppose I could have noticed younger- but I was a kid and I just thought she had the best imagination, you know? When I was nine though- I began to notice that Dad wasn't around the house nearly so much anymore. And Mom was- Mom was around all the time. I mean- you'd think that was normal- but I mean _all_ the time. She never went out. She never slept. I would wake up in the night after a nightmare and she would be there, still fully dressed, with her apron on. And when I asked what she was doing, she'd say something like 'baking cookies' or cleaning, and did I want to help for a bit to tire me out? But it would be four am Alex. She just.. didn't sleep." He was quiet for a moment and I searched for something to say, but I couldn't really come up with anything appropriate right now- so I just waited.

"She cared less. She was distant. It was like she was this hollow form of what my mother used to be. One day she was doing laundry- and I was helping, and we found my dad's shirt- it had perfume all over it, and smelled like.. well even at ten I knew what it meant. And I was so angry- I wanted to go hurt him. Here was Mom fighting to keep everything together and he was off screwing around. I asked her how she could be so calm about it- but when she looked at me- I could tell- she just didn't _care_. It was less than a year later that he left. And at first- everything seemed fine. Mom got really excited and she went out again. She took us- me and my brother- out, we went places, she bought us ice cream and played hide and seek in the park with us. She would hide in the craziest places, tree roots and under the jungle gym- she always said she had to be ten times better than us because it was hard to hide when you're big." He swallowed suddenly, the small smile that had been on his face sliding off and a bleak look replacing it. My heart constricted painfully at the sight of it, and I reached out a hand, taking his in mine and waiting again, silently supporting him and willing him to go on.

"Three days later I woke up with her standing over my bed with a belt. She had this look in her eyes- and it scared the shit out of me. This intense scary look and it transformed her whole face, and it was like looking at a stranger. She said that he never liked me. I wasn't athletic enough, wasn't strong enough for him. I whined to much so if she taught me how to be, he would come back and everything would be normal again. She hit me so much- she didn't stop until Richard came in the room, wondering what the noise was. I had to stay out of school for a week, and when I went back I joined the basketball team. I didn't like the game- but I was tall. And I needed to help her prove to him that I was better." His voice was even, almost flat in the telling but I felt the tears prick at the back of my eyes as I listened to him talk about his twelve year old self.

"It didn't work. She would be hyper and then she would lose it and blame me , or Richard- and she would hit us, or lock me in a closet or say that clearly since I drove him away, there was evil inside of me. Richard was six years older than me, and I think he left the day he turned eighteen. And then we were alone, and no one else was there to take it but me. She would sob for hours afterward, holding me and telling me that she was sorry and she didn't mean it. That she couldn't go away and leave me- I was her baby. I was the only one who understood. I had to save her." I couldn't stop the tears now if I tried, and they rolled down my face hot and wet. What had his family done to him? And how had he survived this?

"Bobby.."

"No. Let me say it all at once. That way you'll really know. Everything." He took a deep breath sliding his eyes away from where they had connected with mine momentarily. They were wary and on guard and the sight made my heart ache, but I had to allow him to do this his way so I could reassure him my way. My hands longed to soothe him, smooth his hair back and run along his skin in comfort but somehow my instincts warned me that would be the wrong thing to do. "I don't know when I knew that she was sick. Maybe once I hit high school, and I could research. I would read book after book on mental illness, trying to find her in there. Trying to reassure myself or help her, or praying that it would be something there was just a cure for, you know? There was no cure., And when I realized it was schizoprhenia, I tried to convince her. Tried to tell her that she needed help. But she would refuse- she would sob and cry- say she couldn't say she was crazy. She wasn't crazy. And then she would get angry. I was bigger than her then- believe it or not my Mom is just a tiny woman. Small. But I never stopped her. Somehow along the way- I guess I thought I had to pay for it all. Them leaving. They first happy years. The brief moments of lucidity in between. Nothing comes for free right? I thought it was my price to pay. And most of all-" His voice grew hoarse here and he had to stop for a moment to calm himself down, taking deep breaths. I pushed closer now, untangling my hands from his and wrapping my arms around him. I knew he'd hate it- but I didn't care. I couldn't sit here and listen to this and not comfort him. "Most of all I didn't ever want to be like them. I hated them both. They just.. left. Because it was _easy_. Because they couldn't deal. And never once did they think what it must be like for her. To be trapped in this place in your mind where nothing makes sense and it's so dark you think you'll never get out. But I was like them Alex. I left her- I left my mother because I couldn't take the cycle anymore. For eight years I lived through it. The short highs, the awful lows. The pleading, the begging, the blame. And I knew if I stayed- it would hurt me. One of us- her or me I wasn't sure. And I left. I joined the Army- and I left. I was just like them in the end. No better than my father who used women as his drug of choice, or my brother who used gambling. I was just like them."

"No, you _weren't_ Bobby." My voice was tight with anger- at his father and his brother, but not with him. "She was sick Bobby and they left a twelve year old boy to deal with it. You were too young- and you did the best you could, but it would have killed you to stay. And you were making it possible for her to deny what was wrong. You were her crutch Bobby- and like it or not, you probably had to leave for her to admit what was wrong with her. Your father and brother were selfish, but not you Bobby. Never you."

He shook his head and tried to pull away but I held him tight. "I couldn't take it- and I left. It was selfish."

"Bobby would she have gotten help if you stayed?"

"Maybe-"

"Or maybe she would have gotten so bad she killed you or herself. Bobby you love your mother, and you have never abandoned her. You can't make me believe that you didn't have someone checking on her when you left. That you didn't write and call and visit. Did you?" I was forcing him to meet my eyes now and he stopped fighting and lay still, staring at me thoughtfully.

"No. I had- I arranged for a nurse to come in. She stayed with mom while I was gone. Mom was only really alone when the nurse had to go run errands. And of course I called and wrote."

"Bobby Goren you listen to me. You- you are a _good_ son. And an even better man. You didn't run off and indulge yourself. You went off and made a career for yourself, a career that not only supports your mother, but you help people. Think of how much better her life is for having you in it Bobby. If you hadn't of been there-"

He pulled away suddenly despite my attempts to make him stay and he took off through the apartment like a shot. I lay in the sudden silence giving him a moment to be alone before I followed him. My breathing was ragged and shallow in the still room, and I lay there, shocked by how much he had shared- and how much it had just made me love him more. After a few moments, I stood slowly and followed him down the hall.

He was sitting in the living room, in his favorite chair, a leather recliner. It was huge which was why he loved it so much- it was a piece of furniture that fit him. His head was in his hands and I could see his body shaking as I came nearer. I crouched on the floor beside him, running a soothing hand up and down his bare back, and not saying much as the sobs seemed to wrench out of his body against his will. After a few moments he seemed to visibly calm down and look up at me with red rimmed eyes. "Some days I hate her. Hate that she's a responsibility. Hate that the few people I told backed away. Except Lewis."

"And me." I spoke firmly and he shook his head.

"You say that now Alex, but you don't know what it's like-" I moved onto my knees kneeling in front of him and taking his face in my hands gently.

"I'm not going to lie and say I know what it's like Bobby. I'm not going to tell you that it won't be hard- but I can tell you I won't leave. Not unless you ask me to." My voice was soft, but it carried conviction and I know he felt that. I saw it in his eyes.

"How can you know?" His voice was that of a confused little boy and it made me want to cry again. He didn't understand why I would stay when everyone else, even his family- had left. My eyes met his and I was silent for a moment, contemplating my answer. Finally after several heartbeats I decided to just tell him the truth.

"Because I love you Bobby. I'm not leaving. And I know-" I stopped him before he spoke with a small finger against his mouth. "I know that maybe you aren't in the same place as I am. But I don't care- I love you and you are not dealing with any of this alone anymore. Not anymore Bobby. Got it?" He nodded dumbly, and his hand reached up, pauding for a moment before tracing my face gently. I pretended not to notcie how it shook as he stroked the soft skin there. When he pulled me forward, his arms wrapped around me and he clung to me as if he never wnated to let go. Or couldn't if he tried. I hugged him back, making soothing noises as he wrapped himself around my smaller frame. Slowly I stood, sliding his arms down until he was wrapped aournd my waist, his face pressed into my stomach. I ran my hands through his hair, reassuring him that it would be alright, and no one wa sgoing anywhere. And for just a brief moment I felt the truth in that statement. I felt the utter perfection of that moment, and felt more connected to him than I ever had before. As I closed my eyes and comforted him, I sent up a small prayer that it would be strong enough to get us through.


End file.
